Another attempt at poetry

I tried my hand at poetry again. This first one is written from the perspective of God. I’m calling you:

Oh daughter, 

What have you done?

Never enough to remove my love,

But sin causes you so much pain.

I never wanted this for you. 

Just ask Me, and it will be forgiven

Seek Me, and you will find joy

Walk faithfully, and I will reward.

Oh beloved, 

Why did you run?

You heard My voice and acknowledged Me.

Like Peter, repeatedly you denied Me.

I never left your side, I never will

I have a plan and it will be fulfilled.

This pain? It’s temporary,

I have claimed the victory. 

Oh princess,

Where did you flee?

The lies that you believed said that

You weren’t priceless. Don’t believe them.

I am your King.

I didn't just give you a list of rules, 

Grace and truth armed you. My Spirit filled you.

An army of 10,000 isn’t stronger than

Those that put faith in Me. 

Oh friend,

Won’t you come home?

Bow your head, close your eyes,

Talk to Me. 

How many people have you asked to pray?

And how many prayers have you actually said?

They bend My ear on your behalf,

When I want to hear your voice again.

All around you can see My hand,

Listen close, you will hear My voice.

Daughter, Beloved, Princess, Friend,

I am calling you.

Come to Me. I will give you rest. 

Breathe:

Sitting.
Praying.
Here in the darkness
blinded by terror 

can’t stop shaking.
My words rise rapidly turning in my heart
filling my head churning round and round
spilling out in questions.
Mumbled prayers that don’t go past the walls.
Prayers that hardly pass my lips before
I’m on to the next subject.
Mind spinning fast
spitting worst case situations at me
Everything in crisis mode.
I can’t breathe.

On my knees.
Praying.
Searching for the light. 

Opening my eyes to Christ
When I shake, He holds me tight.
My words are known before I speak
because of God, my heart beats.
He knows it. He knows my thoughts.
The world spins round and round all
because of Him.
Spilling out His son’s blood for me
He showed me love beyond understanding.
The prayers that come in waves are heard
by my Creator. 

The wind that shakes me and steals my breath
it is controlled by Him.
In this storm, He is my shelter.
Even now, I breathe His name
I speak His words
I hear His wisdom.
My worst case scenario is already known
and the reality will be a better situation
then I could have hoped.
Because of Him, I can breathe.

A light at the end

I'm in the dark.
The saying about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not relatable at the moment. The only light I can see is the headlights of the train that is about to hit me, knock me down, and run me over.
But you know what?
I have a Savior that jumped in front of every trial and storm and temptation that would ever hit me. A Messiah that took the stripes on His back and the thorns in His brow for me. And Jesus will be my light and my guide. In Him I have hope.

Storms often blindside us and we occasionally feel like life really sucks. We live in a fallen world and sometimes it can seem like hell. But when you are going through hell, keep going. I like to see the light at the end, I like to be able to plan and know that I will be ok. Maybe you're the same way. Faith isn't about having the answers though. It's more of a trust fall. And I am falling fast. At the last second, even when everything seems hopeless, we are caught by Christ. The power of His truth illuminates our life. So I will take life one day at a time. I will get out of bed in the morning and pray, "Lord, give me the strength to trust you today", I will look for the ways He is moving in my life and see every situation by the light of His truth. Because of what Christ has done for me, I know the big picture will conclude with every tear being wiped away.

The train that is about to hit you is in your life for a reason. Maybe it's because you are relying on seeing the big picture in your life, seeing your plans and your hopes be fulfilled. Maybe it's because you need to take a leap of faith and trust that you will be caught. Maybe you need to close your eyes to your desire for control and see only the light of Christ as He guides your steps. Because He is guiding you, He will catch you, and He has plans that are better for you than you could ever dream. I know I write about hope a lot, but it is an important truth to cling to. Don't give up hope. Read Scriptures, quotes, and whatever else you can that gives you real, true hope. Cling to that with everything you have.

I still don't have the answers, I am still asking God why, what, and how. I am still terrified of the train that I see coming and know will hit me hard. But I have hope. The Savior that jumped in front of death for me will walk beside me through this tunnel. And in His strength, I will make it to the end.

The year in quotes

Last year on Christmas, I got this little quote calendar that had one quote for every day of the year. I read every single one. And out of 365 quotes, I found 12 that I loved enough to put up on my wall as a reminder. I want to share those with you. A little disclaimer before I begin: just because I like the quotes doesn't mean I agree with the general stance of the author. I like these quotes for what they say not who said them.

"If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, then you are an excellent leader." -Dolly Parton

"Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile." -Vince Lombardi

"People buy into the leader before they buy into the vision" -John Maxwell

"Change is the law of the land. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy

"Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others." -Jack Welch

"Example, whether good or bad, has a powerful influence" -George Washington

"As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others." -Bill Gates

"Pessimism never won any battle." -Dwight Eisenhower

"We cannot be reluctant to lead, and you cannot lead from behind." -Condoleezza Rice

"Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Leaders don't create followers, they create more leaders." -Tom Peters

"I never dreamed about success, I worked for it." -Estee Lauder


I hope you guys have a great week! Never forget that no matter who you are or where you are in life, you are loved.

A Powerful Story

Betrayed.

Over and over again he was betrayed. How is it that he still became the most powerful man in the country?

Hurt.

Beyond the pain we can image this man experienced hurt from those around him. How did he still forgive everyone?

Loved.

With the same love you and I are. A love that none of us can escape. A love that transforms the evil in our lives. How could we ever doubt it?

This is the life of Joseph.

His story is well known. Reading it, how could we ever think that God had abandoned us? How could we believe we are alone? How could we question the power of His love for us? You’ve probably heard the story of Joseph told multiple times in different ways. But I encourage you to go read it again. This time when you read it, put yourself in his shoes. See his struggles like your own. Take everything your feeling, and imagine what his emotions are. This powerful story should change us and give us an example of a faithful Christian to model our life after.

It’s found in Genesis 37-46. There are so many things I love about this Bible story, and I want to take a moment to unpack some of them.

I have always wanted to be respected, so I always look at those who I respect and model my life after them. And Joseph is a perfect picture of integrity, of being so respected and trusted that he was given the reins of the country. That’s what I want my life to look like (don’t worry, I’m not aiming for world domination, I just want to live a respectable life). There are a few lessons to be learned here just regarding how we relate to others.

First, hard work is treasured. Everywhere Joseph went, he rose to the top because he worked hard. Look around you. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of people who are actually willing to work hard, especially when no one is watching. Hard work has always and will always stand out to people.

Second, patience pays off. Can you imagine how much patience Joseph had to have? He patiently worked his way up the ladder at Potiphar’s house, patiently stood against temptation, patiently waited for years in the dungeon, even after he helped interpret dreams. He waited. Don’t give up because you never know what is ahead. People will hold you in high regard if you can demonstrate patience.

Third, humility is huge. Some scholars suggest that Joseph was arrogant because he was the favored child, that’s why his siblings were jealous and sold him. If so, humility definitely would have helped him as a child. But later on, his humility kept him from being corrupted by the power he was handed. Lord Acton is famous for saying that, “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Well, Joseph was handed basically absolute power, and he remained humble. You can’t let good favor get to your head, nobody likes an entitled person.

That’s just the things we can learn about becoming successful/respected. The integrity of this man was amazing. But his hope and faith in the darkest of times is even more inspiring to me. On an emotional level, this is a great story as well.

I think to some extent, we have all experienced betrayal. Joseph went through it so many times. His siblings sold him, his boss put him in jail, his friend forgot to mention his name to Pharaoh for two years. He probably wondered who he could trust, felt like everyone had turned their back on him. People hold a lot of power in our lives. We care about what they think and say and do toward us. They can hurt us very easily and very deeply. Joseph experienced that. So have you. What is your response? Everyone around Joseph saw that he had favor in the Lord’s sight. I believe that means that Joseph praised God for what he was given and reflected Him through his life. He remained a man of God, and people saw that. So when you are faced with people problems or your friends have hurt you deeply, reflect Christ. Stand firm in Him. And you will find favor in His sight.

This story is tied together by a powerful theme: love. God’s never ending, deep, powerful love. God loved Joseph and never left him alone in all the trials. Joseph was completely in the dark. He had no clue that one day he would save Egypt. Life probably felt very hopeless at times. He persevered, but didn’t know where he was headed. Can you relate? Yeah, me too. But what people mean for evil, God works for our good. Because He loves us. And when we are in the dark, He is our light. Joseph knew that. When he stood face to face with his brothers again, it all clicked and he praised God for the outcome. But even when nothing made sense and Joseph couldn’t see the big picture, he praised God. Why? Because he knew that God was faithful, holy, loving, and had a plan.

God is doing something in your life. And I know it’s hard to see it sometimes, I know that life feels pretty hopeless, I know you have felt alone and unloved. But you are a child of the King. Look to people like Joseph and other Christian role models for hope. Then straighten your crown and start living like you are priceless. Because there has never been a day when your God has not loved you and been with you. Like Joseph, you too can persevere.

Blessed, favored, loved, he remained humble. Stuck in prison with no news about his fate, he stayed faithful. Faced with hardships and setbacks, he continued to work hard. When temptation hit hard, he kept his integrity. When those around him meant evil against him, he praised God for His love.

There are only a handful of people with this kind of character. They will be rewarded, here on earth and in heaven. Are you among them?

A new country

For the last week, I have been on my “senior trip” to Europe. A trip is very different than a vacation. Vacations are about relaxing and trips (especially homeschool trips to foreign countries) are about seeing the culture, learning the history, and walking around the city as much as possible. It’s a lot of fun and it provides a lot of new experiences. I thought I’d do something much different this week and just write about some things I’ve learned from travelling. I don’t travel a lot and rarely go out of the U.S., so I’m far from an expert. But I noticed a few things and found some tips to remember for travelling. 


Seek to enjoy every moment. When you’ve just walked for thirty minutes in the freezing cold and gotten lost twice and haven’t eaten all day, it’s really hard to find joy. But I promise, if you look closely you can find it. This applies to everything in life. Trials will hit, it won’t always be a vacation with sunshine and rainbows. And when your feet hurt from moving forward, sometimes it’s easy to see all the negatives and feels impossible to take another step. So find a reason to smile. Think of what God has given you and find joy in that. 


Plan ahead. This should go without saying, but unfortunately it doesn’t always. Research the place/country you’re going and decide what you want to do. Don’t procrastinate!!!! Book a place to stay, learn about the best restaurants, look into the benefits of renting a car or using taxis. Maybe even learn some of the language, because that’s helpful. Also, just fyi, not every country has wall outlets like America…..if you want to charge a phone you may have to bring your own adapter. I figured that out the hard way. 


Always be confident. I’ve talked about confidence before, but it really gives you a lot of power. Confidence will help protect you from swindlers, communicate despite language barriers, and keep you from second guessing everything about your trip. Keep your chin held high and if you’ve made a decision that you believe is right and is the best for you, stick to it. A little confidence goes a long way, in life and in other countries. 


Immerse yourself in the culture. Don’t go to Burger King if you’re in a foreign country, try new things, ask the locals questions and enjoy what their city has to offer. Try new stuff, branch out, and experience as much of the place as you can. While you’re there, you may as well enjoy as much of the culture as you can.


Never judge a book by its cover. Octopus doesn’t look good, neither does shark. But they both taste good! So don’t judge things or people based off what they look like, appearances aren’t everything. People in other places have their own lives and their own struggles, it’s easy to forget that. Since you don’t know what people are going through, never give up an opportunity to share a smile, lend a hand, or spread joy in some way. Bless people even when it looks like they don’t need it. 



We went to Madrid, Burgos, and San Sebastian, Spain. It is a cool country with really nice people. Everything about this trip has reminded me of Proverbs 16:9 “the mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps.” Things rarely go according to plan, we just have to learn to glorify God through all of it and find joy in every moment. 

1 step forward....2 steps back

can you relate to that phrase?
striving, working, longing to move forward only to realize how far backward you've gone? putting all your effort into moving just to feel stuck in a negative cycle? it is frustrating. it is discouraging. and it can make life seem hopeless.

i've been there. i think at some point, we all have.

i'm told that God works all things for the good of those that love Him, but there are times i can't see that. i have too many questions. too many times i have asked "why God?" and waited for an answer that never came. how is this for my good? how does this glorify you? do i not love you enough?

and every time i think i find the answer, my life is shaken again and i'm back where i started. no, i'm further back than when i started.

in the grand scheme of things, maybe i'm moving forward, but when i look back i'm not seeing the progress. just a mess. if life is just this constant fight to move forward that results in this feeling of going backwards, what is my reason for continuing the battle? where do i look for that reason? right now i'm looking back and it's not giving me a reason to move forward. is another day really another victory? or just another opportunity to lose a battle? we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and maybe we fear no evil but it is still a hard road. what keeps us going?

have you ever sought answers and just found more questions? questions that make you doubt everything? we know we aren’t supposed to know it all of make sense out of our world or struggles, we know answers wont fix the pain, but we still want to understand. sometimes, we are drowning in too many questions to see the ultimate answer that we already have. we want the big picture, we want to feel like we are moving forward, or at least not moving backwards. that helpless feeling of going nowhere leads to desperation and in desperation we will run to everything and anything for a solution. when God doesn’t give us the solution we want we fill out life with sin that we think will satisfy. then later, we look back at our life and realize that the feeling of moving backward led to actually moving backward. interesting, isn’t it? the mindset of moving backwards results in moving backwards. what if we just trusted? what if we just had faith that we were moving forward and kept trying?

so what keeps me going when every day just feels like another chance at defeat? what is our ultimate answer? God loves us. He has a plan for us. He promises to guide us and walk beside us. and when life seems impossible, we are told we can do all things through Christ. 

instead of letting ourselves feel stuck, lets focus on moving forward and hope that we are making progress. now i’m not advocating for some crazy blind trust fall or insane leap of faith or an unfounded hope that you are ok even if you aren’t. if you are not pursuing Christ, there is a reason you feel like you are moving in the wrong direction. i ask that we use Gods word as a light for our path, that we keep walking the narrow road, trying to make it through the valley of the shadow of death. follow God’s commands even when it feels like you are only going in circles and being drowned with doubts. even the faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, so let that little faith you have left displace the doubts. keep walking. keep your mind on Christ. keep taking a step forward even when it feels hopeless.

Authors note: That was probably a mess. My apologies for that. My thoughts were scattered this week and it was very busy, I wanted to write though, so here you are. Thanks for sticking around! Love you!

Facing a New Year

We like new stuff. New phones, new deals, new friends, new years. We move on from the old to the new so quickly, forgetting that every new thing will eventually become old. Over time, the initial excitement wears off, the glamour dwindles, the fleeting fascination dissipates, and you're left wondering why this "new" thing was such a big deal and stuck facing what it actually means to you.

Now, we look back at 2019. The excitement, glamour, and fascination of a new year, the year 2019, is gone. What's left? What have you done those 363 days? All of the build up, the anticipation, the parties, the toasts, the resolutions, the countdown and the ball drop, all of that led to this year and now it has faded into distant memory and all that is left is the ups and downs you had during the year. You cannot turn back time so I hope you are leaving 2019 with no regrets. I also hope that you make 2020 different. Don't settle for mediocracy, live your life sold out for Christ. Be motivated and make a change. I hope it's a good year.

There are two reasons we see New Years Day as special: 1. It provides us a good chance to look back and learn from our past year. 2. It gives us an opportunity to plan ahead and start again. What did 2019 really come down to? And what will you make different about 2020?

Let's take this chance to look back, I want to take a moment to go over a few highlights from my blog this year. If you have time, let's take a stroll down memory lane and walk through the highlights of 2019 together.

39 posts

Out of 52 weeks, that isn't too bad. 

Top 5 Posts:

Poetry

Broken. Beautiful.

Being Free

Random Thoughts

Drawing a Line

Top 3 Songs:

Blessings-Laura Story

God Only Knows-For King and Country

Joy-Sleeping at Last

Top 3 Quotes:

"Per Aspera Ad Astra"

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts"-Winston Churchill

"My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us and that as we trust in Him we will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us. And this will be a day that we will remember as a Day of Victory.”-Billy Graham

Top 3 Verses:

Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who lives but Christ lives in me. And this life I live now in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

Psalm 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Philippians 4:6-7, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Top 5 Favorite Words of Wisdom

"Our brokenness results in an openness to God's grace, He fills in our cracks, brings us back together, and creates a vessel so much more beautiful than we could have imagined. Those cracks are no longer something to disguise, rather they are part of our redemption story, part of who we are." Broken. Beautiful.

"We have the freedom to persevere, love in spite of pain, encourage others, and hope when life seems hopeless because we know that one day every tear will be wiped away. Without that freedom, nothing matters. With it, nothing else has to." Being Free

"If you are a child of God, know that no matter what, you are safe, held close in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings." Shelter of His Presence

"What you see in snapshots really isn't someone's real life, we all paint a picture that looks perfect while we hide our pain from the world." Picture Perfect

"When emotions are high and you want something badly that just seems so important, it's easy to forget those other things that should be important to us at all times. What are these things? Family. People. Relationships. Your integrity, honesty, and respectfulness. Love. Those things should never be sacrificed for anything, even breakfast." Some Things are More Important than Breakfast

That is my quick recap. I love writing and I appreciate having a place to put my words and an audience that reads them. Thanks for sticking with me through all the really bad posts and the ok ones.

But the second reason for New Years is just as important. Moving forward, what will you do? Who will you be in 2020?

My hope for you is that you cling to the simple things and pursue what you know is right. Because the idea of having a new year and a new century is exciting, but New Years Day will fade and life goes on as normal. And the daily plodding through life can weaken us step by step before we even know it. In all of that, it can be easy to loose sight of the truth that we cling to and the joy that we have. Sometimes, we forget why we live. Forget why we were made. We know we have hope, but we forget why. This year, keep going back to the truth. Remember why we do everything. You know the Gospel, so don't forget these simple truths.

You have always chosen sin. Chosen the one thing that makes life miserable. And you've suffered because of that sin. Every rejection, every heartbreak, every mask you had to wear and loneliness you felt was because of that choice. You were dead. Separated from God and the love that could heal you and put you back together. But life was not and never will be hopeless. The Son of God left His seat at the right hand of God the Father, was born to a virgin, and lived a perfect life. He did it for you. He faced every sin and temptation. He suffered through cruelty. He never escaped to a mask or let anything come between Him and His Father's glory. Jesus died for you. Died because He loves you. And then He defeated what you never could, He conquered sin and death and rose again to heaven. The gates of Hades cannot stand against Him or anyone that chooses Him. Eternity is in your heart, eternity is offered to you. There is freedom from the pain, and it's found in Christ. He loves you and wants a relationship with you. You were created for His glory and your own great joy. Live like it. Accept Christ and be free, you will find everything you are looking for in that freedom.

Run to those truths. 2020 promises to be full of trials, but if you arm yourself with God's love and surround yourself with His people, it will be a year of great joy. You are loved. You are enough. You are priceless!! Through difficulty, to the stars!!!

Dear readers,

     I genuinely don't know what to say to you today. I had three different rough drafts that I could have posted, but when it came time to edit and format them, they didn't seem right. Its been a rough week and I've struggled with putting my thoughts into neat, categorized, logical words. But this isn't about me, there have been way too many posts about me recently, which I generally try to avoid. I am writing this letter to you because I've been writing a lot of letters recently and maybe it will help get all my random thoughts onto one paper.

     First, how are you? Like, really? When is the last time you stopped and actually thought about what your struggles are, how you are fighting them, and if you are making progress? Trying to go into battle with a dull sword is rather pointless (no pun intended). Check to make sure that you are equipped to fight and win your battles in Christ. Pray. Take a moment to put on the full armor of God. Stop and allow yourself time to actually evaluate your emotions and your relationship with Christ.

     It feels like Christmas sneaks up on us every year now, and it's that time of year again. Great food, shouts of laughter, colorful lights, warm smiles, festive music, lots of friends and family....Tis the season to be jolly, right? For most, it is. And I genuinely hope you're full of joy right now. But trials don't just go away because it's December 25th. There are countless reasons to be happy and have a Merry Christmas, there are also reasons why it's difficult. Friends, I know this can be a hard time. Whether it's because you're missing someone, feeling nostalgic, feeling left out, or are overly stressed, Christmastime can magnify struggles and increase pain. However, it is still a gift. Look for the blessings right in front of you. If you get time off of work, an extra few moments with people you love, or a day to sleep in, then count that as a blessing. Look for the little moments of joy, even if this time, overall, is difficult for you.

     Everywhere you look is a reminder. Every nativity set, every family full of joy, every "Merry Christmas" sign, it is all a reminder of God's work. One of my favorite songs this Christmas is "Hope is Alive", I highly recommend listening to it. Because that's what Christmas means for us. Hope is alive, He came for us, He dwelt among us, and He lived a perfect life so that we didn't have to pay the price for our sin. Rejoice in that. One day, every tear will be wiped away and every trial will cease. All because God incarnate came to a little town called Bethlehem to be born in a manger. That's the significance of the Christmas story, don't undervalue it just because you've heard it a thousand times. Let the love that God showed us impact you every time you see a reminder of it. And right now, every where you look you can see a reminder that hope is alive.

     Lastly, there is a lot to think about right now. We inherently like to understand things and we search for answers. But the big questions in life often just take faith. I'm struggling with that in my own life right now. Philippians talks about "Peace that surpasses all understanding", and so many things in Scripture are like that. The hypostatic union, God living as man....that's beyond understanding. The fact that God, who is king over all and deserves more glory than we could ever give Him, would leave heaven to come to earth...that's beyond understanding. Not only did He leave heaven, but He lived a humble life, facing every temptation, and never sinned...that's beyond understanding. And why? Because He loved sinners. That's a love I will never understand. By God's grace, you are saved. The gift of eternal life is being freely given to you. Throw off your chains because He has set you free. At this point, refusing to accept what Christ died to give you....that's beyond understanding. Continuing to be a slave to sin....that's beyond understanding. Don't reject His love. If you're thinking about giving your life to Christ, please don't wait. He will accept you with His arms wide open and love you for who you are. Have faith that your sins are covered, throw off your chains, and rejoice in Christ.

     I love you all and hope you are doing well. You are priceless, you are loved, you are enough. Have a Merry Christmas!!!

Yours truly,
Elaine

Running on empty

We can only run for so long.

As much as we keep trying, we eventually grow tired and slow down until we stop. But we rarely let ourselves rest enough to really catch our breath. Living can be like driving; your tank of gas only gets you so far. At some point, you have to stop and refuel. I had been running on empty for a long time. If life is a highway, I had been driving it for way too long without slowing down. I had been tearing up the miles, eating up the minutes, speeding ahead and accelerating at every turn. I needed a break but I had reached the point where I forgot how to put the brake on. Pressure kept building but I just shoved it down again. Parts of me were breaking, but I gave them a quick fix and moved on. I blew past speed limits and caution signs always in a hurry to keep moving forward. When I took time to glance at my fuel gauge and realized how low it was, I brushed it aside, I couldnt be bothered to stop. I don’t know if I was chasing the future or escaping the past, maybe both, I just knew I had to keep chasing. The highway of life can be so confusing sometimes and I may not have known where I was going, but I sure was getting there fast.

Sometimes rushing through life like that feels exhilarating, sometimes it's scary, and it's always utterly exhausting.

Like I said though, we can only keep running for so long.

Last week, I stopped running. I had pushed myself to the limit and didn't even realize it until I felt safe, felt like I could stop. Last week I was in Kansas. I got seven days that I didn't have to plan, didn't have to do school, could eat, sleep, and play whenever I wanted to. Seven days where I felt loved and supported. The first three days, I was exhausted and slept a ton. It didn't make any sense why. I wasn't waking up very early or having especially late nights but I always felt worn out. Later though, I understood. For the first time in probably over eight months, I felt safe. And so I crashed. I felt supported, so I stopped escaping. I felt loved, so I stopped chasing. The adrenaline that anxiety gave me disappeared. The depression that drove me to work non-stop was gone. The fear of rejection relinquished its grasp so I didn’t care about keeping an act of perfection. I could finally rest. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, it was an amazing week.

I say all of this to communicate a simple message: Take a break. Stop running on empty and fuel up. Most likely, you need it as badly as I did. Whatever it is you are escaping and whatever you are chasing, you can only keep going for so long. Don’t wait until you break down and get stranded on a highway completely empty. Find a place where you know you are safe, time where you have no pressure, people who will love you regardless of anything you do, and rest. You are priceless. Tomorrow needs you. God wants you to rest in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings. Cast your burden on Him.

Christmas is an excellent time to do this. Finals are over and most of us have a break, time to spend with family. Enjoy it while it lasts and use it to refuel you for whatever is around the next turn in the road. Last year around this time, someone sent me Ecclesiastes 8:15 and it encouraged me to enjoy this season of rest. It says, "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun." You work hard. Just moving forward is a struggle. So be glad, enjoy the time you have. Psalm 4:8 says, "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety." The Lord keeps you safe, His hand shelters you and He is a rock for you. Have peace in that and allow yourself to rest.

Don't keep running on empty. Slow down, take a break, and breathe. You are held safe in God's hands and He will give you rest. 

Another day, another victory

This year, on my birthday, we flew to Kansas. I was excited about it for months, we spent weeks planning it and days packing for it. My dad and I scheduled the trip and I checked in the morning before we left. Everything was in place. There was just one concern: we might not get on. Since we fly standby and the airplane was oversold, I was constantly checking the flight to see if there were open seats. But it didn’t look like we would make it on my birthday. I screenshotted my flight options and sent them to the family I would stay with. Now, I talk about blessings in disguise a lot. But this one was very clearly God’s work. Our friends realized that the flight we booked was taking us to Kansas City, Missouri, not Wichita, Kansas. Had we continued as planned, we would have ended up 4 hours away from where we wanted to.

Logic

Life doesn't make sense. It's confusing. I don't understand it, can't figure it out, and waste hours trying.
I hate not knowing. I seek to understand things and get frustrated when I can't. So when it comes to illogical issues in life, I have very little patience. That's why I've dedicated my year to learning about trust. I've thought about it, discussed it, written about it, and prayed about it. The year is almost over, but my journey with trust is not. Because trust is one of those issues in life that simply isn't logical.

Logic is, “reasoning conducted according to strict principles of validity.”
Sounds nice doesn’t it? Logic is the kind of thing that remains steadfast-- unchanging.
Everything makes sense because of it. We use reasoning to sort the world into neat little conclusions

based on what is valid. 

Trust, however, is the reliance on or the belief in the reliability of someone or something. 

Relying on people doesn't work with my logical view point on life. 

My experience is that the more I trust, the more I am able to get hurt. People are imperfect, so trusting them with my problems and pain only leaves me open to being hurt. 

But you know what else doesn't make logical sense to me? Ice skating.
Moving quickly on ice and balancing on a thin blade isn't logical.
How do you keep moving forward? Is it possible to stop without falling? Why can’t I stop shaking? Do people really do this for fun?

I went ice skating for the first time two weeks ago. After sixteen years of walking on real ground, I stepped onto ice and it was drastically different. The first 20 minutes I spent just trying to wrap my mind around the concept of moving forward in ice skates. I couldn’t figure it out. But I reasoned and questioned and listened to people try to explain it for quite a while. Then someone finally told me to stop thinking. I figured out that ice skating isn’t logical. Logically, I wouldn’t think any of it would work. When I stopped thinking and just trusted other people’s instructions, I finally made progress.

After ice skating, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much my year had been like that. I would try to justify things logically, or logically try to figure out situations, but it wasn’t until I just trusted and took a leap of faith that I could actually move forward.

People helped me move forward. They hurt me sometimes, but often in a good way, a way that caused me to grow. For such a long time I had pushed people away and been independent. Now, I can't imagine my life without the people around me that help me stand up and face life. Sometimes, we have to stop looking for the logic and just move forward. Maybe we'll fall, maybe it will hurt, but it's better then being stuck in fear.

Since the beginning of this year, I have learned so much. I still doubt people, but I'm more willing to open up. I've started telling my stories and my struggles more. Some times its worth it, some times its not. But I'm still learning. I have deepened my trust in God more. Found that He definitely knows best and unanswered prayers are often a blessing. The people He puts in my life are all there for a reason. Not only have I learned about trust in people and in God, but I've discovered how much to trust myself. Working as a gymnastics coach has increased my confidence in my ability to make the right decisions. I rely on my abilities a lot more now and give myself more responsibility. There is limits to that though. I've figured out what I can't trust myself with and when to get a second opinion. Absolute trust never works well.

This post was not well-written. I apologize for that. All week I've been looking forward to this and thinking about what I would say. But I learned that to write about something, you have to understand it, at least a little bit. I don't understand trust. I don't understand why I do something so illogical. So my phrases are repetitive and confusing. The bottom line is this: Find people you can trust and rely on them. Tell your story and struggles and let them help you. I ache to be that person for others, I want to be that safe space that people can lean on. Because I've come to recognize the value of taking a leap of faith. 

There are people I know now that I will never trust, people who have proven there trust, and people that trust me. I still can't understand it. There are still days when I ask myself why I ever started friendship, why I ever explained my problems to people. But there are so many times where, illogically, I've trusted and it's paid off. People have blessed me so much. 

Despite still not being able to figure out people and trust and life, I have learned to set aside logic at times in order to move forward. 

Thanksgiving 2019!!

Once again, it is time for a stereotypical holiday post. You know, the one that tells you what it really means to be thankful this Thanksgiving holiday. And I wanted to write this to add my voice to the thousands that are trying to explain the true meaning of living thankfully (at least for one day). Unlike last year when I did something at least sorta original, this year I'm not even going to try. I'm going to be one of those people that simply creates a list of things they are thankful for. But there is a reason for that. In the last year, I have come to recognize the value of making lists. I've found how easy it is to take things for granted. With that, comes a new appreciation for being able to name things I'm grateful for. So make it a tradition. Write down things you are thankful for in your life. Here are a few of mine:

Sleepless nights
Unanswered prayers
Scars because they show that we aren't perfect
Scars because they show us God's healing
Prayers
Friends that are brutally honest
Trials
Memories
Mercies in disguise
Wisdom
Reminders that this in not my home
Comments
Hugs
True freedom
Nostalgia
Deep songs
Letters
Words
Journals
Being able to share my thoughts with you
People who will listen
Perfect moments
School
Knowledge
Learning
Friends that are older than me
All my friends
Glimpses of people's deeper side
Hearing stories
Telling my story
People who admit they aren't perfect
The courage to continue
The ability to shoot for the stars
Lists of things I'm thankful for

I don't know you. I don't know your story. I hope you love your family and are enjoying an amazing Thanksgiving with them, I hope your list of things that you are constantly grateful for is unending. But if the holiday's are rough for you, please remember you are loved. Remember that God's blessings may come in disguise, but they are always there. Find a reason to be joyful today. I may not know you, but I am grateful for you. I'm thankful for all of you.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Carpe Diem

You've only got 86,400 seconds today. How can you make an impact in that time? How can you live the way you want to live? I read this quote by Max Lucado and decided to share it today. I struggle with choosing any of these, but there is so much freedom in living according to the Fruits of the Spirit. Don't let today slip by without you making an effort to better yourself and others. Carpe diem!


“I Choose Love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I Choose Joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I Choose Peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so I may live.

I Choose Patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so, Rather complain that the wait is to long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I Choose Kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for that is how God has treated me.

I Choose Goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness.

I Choose Faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My friends will not question my word. And my family will not question my love.

I Choose Gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it only be in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I Choose Self-Control...
I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then when this day is done I will place my head on my pillow and rest.”
― Max Lucado

God will give you the strength to choose to live this way, He wants you to use each moment to draw nearer to Him. Only 86,400 seconds to decide what you will choose today. Use the seconds wisely.
Seize the day!

hypocrytical?

On Tuesday, December 18th, 2018, I opened a draft for a blog post. I thought I would post it soon, it was a topic I was passionate about at the moment and I had some time to write. I returned to it multiple times to write it and then even decided to write a speech on the same topic. This concept I wanted to write about had never left my mind and I was thinking about it constantly, so it only seemed right that I should post about it. Yesterday I opened this draft and found it just as I left it that evening in December: Empty. Not one word. Just a title, a thought I had, a blank sheet of paper waiting to be filled. My computer screen stared back at me accusingly. But this time, I had come to write. Like I said, I wrote a speech on this topic that has haunted me for almost a year. Here is most of it, edited and adapted for easier reading. Some of these words you have probably read before, but I hope they inspire you in new ways. It all started with a quesiton: Am I hypocritical?

That preacher changed what I thought about hypocrisy. He stood up in front of a congregation and admitted that he was just a sinner. That preacher wasn’t even real. The preacher I’m referring to is the fictional character in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s book, A Scarlett Letter. This novel, set in a 17th-century Puritan society, deals in part with a pastor who has hidden a sin for seven years and struggles with guilt because of it. When he decided enough was enough he opened up and told the truth. Unfortunately, he didn’t receive the response he wanted; no one believed him. The more the clergyman asserts his own sinfulness, the holier his congregation believes him to be. He was a hypocrite, but they only elevated him higher. 

Getting this kind of response is one of my greatest fears. And that’s why I’m writing this. Because somehow I want to step out of a lie and face a fear. I want to talk about being hypocritical.

Let’s define what that means. Merriam Webster defines hypocritical as “characterized by behavior that contradicts what one claims to believe.” Basically, it's living a lie, saying one thing and doing another. When we become hypocrites we can become enslaved by our image and trapped inside of something we aren’t. That’s what I want to warn against by discussing our image, the direction we should be going, and the influence we can have on others.

Starting with our image or the way we portray ourselves. When I think of hypocrisy my mind first goes to Mathew 23, which is just 39 verses of Jesus calling out the Pharisees for all their sins. In verses 28 and 29 He says, ““Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” The Pharisees were whitewashed. That always makes me think. White is the color of purity, of perfection. How many of us become whitewashed for church on Sunday? We scrub up, put on nice clothes, sing the hymns and pray, even drop coins in the offering plate. I’m not saying don’t dress up for church, I’m saying please be careful that you don’t become whitewashed in the sense that they did. Hypocrisy is living out this image of outward holiness and inward decay, outward smiles and inside tears, outward “I’m fine” and inward screams for help.

For the last two years, I feel like I’ve lived this kind of lie. I’ve painted myself as something I’m really not and feel pressure to live up to that. That’s led to feeling stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety over not being perfect enough. The little snapshots of information that I let people see make it seem like I have my life all together and perfectly planned out. The reality is a little messier though. I am a hypocrite in many ways. But I don’t let people see that, I only show them the side of me that looks somewhat presentable.

What’s your image look like? Do you let people see who you are? Or do you only show the whitewashed outside? If you can relate to struggling with hypocrisy, there is hope. Let’s examine the direction we must go to step out of this lie.

I’ve always been told that the Christian life isn’t about perfection, it’s about direction. This means that we must try to escape the picture of being perfect. As long as people view you as having everything together, always calm, and unendingly happy, you are being hypocritical. We have to move in the direction of letting people know us as real people. This is something I am so afraid of doing. I’m comfortable with showing you the snapshots that make my life look figured out. But dig deeper and I will start backing away. At least, I used to. This summer, I was feeling the pressure of living up to an image I had created and was ready to be done with it. And yes, I was scared of people seeing me for something different, but with that fear came the hope that I could stop living up to such a high expectation. Yes, they would see how broken and stressed and exhausted I was, but maybe in that they could see who God had made me, see His grace that had healed me, see the strength that had miraculously gotten me through. I chose hope over fear and honesty over hypocrisy. I started to head in the right direction by letting people see that I do struggle and don’t have it all together.

Lastly, let’s spend some time looking at our influence and how hypocrisy affects it.

Recently, life has been really busy. Not just for me, but a lot of my friends are feeling the stress as well. When a friend called me for encouragement one day, I told them honestly, “I don’t feel like I can say anything that will help, it will all be so hypocritical.” The response they gave really stuck with me, they said, “That’s ok, sometimes in order to encourage others you have to be a little hypocritical.” And I agree with that. When people come to us for help, we may be in the place of not even being able to help ourselves. We still must offer advice and hope. If encouraging people when we are discouraged is hypocritical, then please, be a hypocrite. But often the biggest impact you can make will come through telling your story. Being real and admitting you aren’t perfect makes you real and approachable, telling people what you’ve been through and how you’ve come out stronger communicates hope. I love stories, I love hearing about people's struggles. They are all a testament to the power and love of God. They show how He mends broken humans.

Pictures capture moments, stories capture lifetimes. I encourage you today to go find someone who needs hope and strength, tell them about the ways that God has empowered you. Use your story to influence people and give them a reason to keep going. We could all use that. Don’t allow yourself to become trapped in an image you have created. It leads to pressure, false expectations of perfection, and limits the influence you can have on people. Don’t let people elevate you higher based on some perceived holiness, but rather stand before them and admit your imperfections. 

Destroy your hypocrisy, tell your story and bring hope into someone’s life.

A Day of Victory

No one saw it coming. 

We had just recovered from World War Two, still working on shaking off the sorrow that had entangled us. Families were still recovering and rebuilding. In 2001, things were looking hopeful again. And on a clear day in September, no one was ready for that to end. To everyone in New York, it was just another Tuesday morning. Everything changed at 8:45 when the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center. 3 other attacks followed, leading to almost 3,000 deaths as a result of the terrorist attack on 9/11. Shock was followed by sorrow and then anger. We got hit by something unexpected and it was devastating. 

And we’ve all been there in some way. Something or someone has hurt us, we have suffered and struggled and mourned, questioned how we were ever going to get back up and move forward. But for Christians, that recovery is always the same. We all run back to Christ, we all rebuild on His word as our foundation. I want to give you a message of hope today. That hope is found in my favorite historical speech. I found this speech two weeks ago and loved it, I think it's worth sharing so please stick around. Billy Graham, gave this address and titled it, “A Day of Victory”. At the time, victory didn’t seem to be on anyone’s mind. Most people were feeling defeated and torn, that’s what makes Billy Graham’s speech so amazing.

Addressing a mourning nation of young children who saw the disaster from their schools, grandparents who watched it from home, parents that had lost kids and families that had been ripped apart. All eyes are on Billy Graham, and these are some of the words he said to a country in tears:

“This week we watched in horror as planes crashed into the steel and glass of the World Trade Center. Those majestic towers, built on solid foundations, were examples of prosperity and creativity. When damaged, those buildings plummeted to the ground, imploding in upon themselves. Yet, underneath the debris, is a foundation that was not destroyed. Therein lies the truth of that hymn, “How Firm a Foundation.”

Yes, our nation has been attacked, buildings destroyed, lives lost. But now we have a choice: whether to implode and disintegrate emotionally and spiritually as a people and a nation; or to choose to become stronger through all of this struggle, to rebuild on a solid foundation. In that hymn, “How Firm a Foundation,” the words say, “Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed,/For I am thy God, and will give thee aid;/I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,/Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.”

My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us and that as we trust in Him we will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us. And this will be a day that we will remember as a Day of Victory.”

I love the way he compares our lives to the towers. We get hit with tragedy and hardships, they make us crumble and fill our life with debris, but with Christ as our foundation we are never destroyed and we can rise again. We are upheld by God's right hand and His arms are lovingly wrapped around us. The last three weeks for me have not been victory. There were points where I didn't think life could get worse, and then it did. I was getting into bed feeling defeated every night and then waking up the next morning knowing I had to keep going. Graham's words made me realize that as long as I was trusting God, I each day was a victory. I don't know what you've been through this week, I don't know how stressed out or overwhelmed you are. You may feel like everything is hopeless right now. I encourage you today to run back to Christ. Please remember His promises and His words of comfort. Remember how He has kept those that trust in Him and how He has blessed you. You may not be strong enough to face the challenges in front of you right now, but that's ok. His power is made perfect in weakness. Run to Christ and rebuild in Him as your foundation.

Billy Graham’s purpose in this message was to bring hope to the people of America and lead them back to Christ for strength. Life will hit you hard, it probably already has. But know that in everything you go through, you have a firm foundation. Beneath all the ruins and wreckage this life can cause, the foundation of Christ will never be destroyed. This is the hope that Billy Graham brought America after 9/11. This is the hope we must never forget. If you run to Christ for strength, today can be your day of victory.