Logic

Life doesn't make sense. It's confusing. I don't understand it, can't figure it out, and waste hours trying.
I hate not knowing. I seek to understand things and get frustrated when I can't. So when it comes to illogical issues in life, I have very little patience. That's why I've dedicated my year to learning about trust. I've thought about it, discussed it, written about it, and prayed about it. The year is almost over, but my journey with trust is not. Because trust is one of those issues in life that simply isn't logical.

Logic is, “reasoning conducted according to strict principles of validity.”
Sounds nice doesn’t it? Logic is the kind of thing that remains steadfast-- unchanging.
Everything makes sense because of it. We use reasoning to sort the world into neat little conclusions

based on what is valid. 

Trust, however, is the reliance on or the belief in the reliability of someone or something. 

Relying on people doesn't work with my logical view point on life. 

My experience is that the more I trust, the more I am able to get hurt. People are imperfect, so trusting them with my problems and pain only leaves me open to being hurt. 

But you know what else doesn't make logical sense to me? Ice skating.
Moving quickly on ice and balancing on a thin blade isn't logical.
How do you keep moving forward? Is it possible to stop without falling? Why can’t I stop shaking? Do people really do this for fun?

I went ice skating for the first time two weeks ago. After sixteen years of walking on real ground, I stepped onto ice and it was drastically different. The first 20 minutes I spent just trying to wrap my mind around the concept of moving forward in ice skates. I couldn’t figure it out. But I reasoned and questioned and listened to people try to explain it for quite a while. Then someone finally told me to stop thinking. I figured out that ice skating isn’t logical. Logically, I wouldn’t think any of it would work. When I stopped thinking and just trusted other people’s instructions, I finally made progress.

After ice skating, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much my year had been like that. I would try to justify things logically, or logically try to figure out situations, but it wasn’t until I just trusted and took a leap of faith that I could actually move forward.

People helped me move forward. They hurt me sometimes, but often in a good way, a way that caused me to grow. For such a long time I had pushed people away and been independent. Now, I can't imagine my life without the people around me that help me stand up and face life. Sometimes, we have to stop looking for the logic and just move forward. Maybe we'll fall, maybe it will hurt, but it's better then being stuck in fear.

Since the beginning of this year, I have learned so much. I still doubt people, but I'm more willing to open up. I've started telling my stories and my struggles more. Some times its worth it, some times its not. But I'm still learning. I have deepened my trust in God more. Found that He definitely knows best and unanswered prayers are often a blessing. The people He puts in my life are all there for a reason. Not only have I learned about trust in people and in God, but I've discovered how much to trust myself. Working as a gymnastics coach has increased my confidence in my ability to make the right decisions. I rely on my abilities a lot more now and give myself more responsibility. There is limits to that though. I've figured out what I can't trust myself with and when to get a second opinion. Absolute trust never works well.

This post was not well-written. I apologize for that. All week I've been looking forward to this and thinking about what I would say. But I learned that to write about something, you have to understand it, at least a little bit. I don't understand trust. I don't understand why I do something so illogical. So my phrases are repetitive and confusing. The bottom line is this: Find people you can trust and rely on them. Tell your story and struggles and let them help you. I ache to be that person for others, I want to be that safe space that people can lean on. Because I've come to recognize the value of taking a leap of faith. 

There are people I know now that I will never trust, people who have proven there trust, and people that trust me. I still can't understand it. There are still days when I ask myself why I ever started friendship, why I ever explained my problems to people. But there are so many times where, illogically, I've trusted and it's paid off. People have blessed me so much. 

Despite still not being able to figure out people and trust and life, I have learned to set aside logic at times in order to move forward.