Drawing A Line

As a debater, I've learned to love clarity and definitions. I've discovered the importance in making distinctions between two terms that can blurred in life or in debate rounds. For instance, this year the resolution I'm debating is that culture should value assimilation over multiculturalism. Obviously to debate this, you have to make it clear that they aren't the same thing and show where the differences are. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it seems to draw that line. Is the US assimilated? Or multicultural? If you all follow the same laws, does that make you unified? Or can you pay taxes to a government and still keep the things that make your culture unique? Complicated questions, right?

If you've stuck with me this far and are still reading, then I applaud you. Honestly, today I want to deal with an incredibly controversial and confusing topic, one that I know I don't have all the answers to. Because drawing lines that clarify what you can and can't do is necessary in life. Like, where do you draw the line between having fun and being careless? Or doing good works vs. depending on your good works for salvation? How about between managing your time and being anxious about the future? But the distinction I want to make today is one we don't think about a lot: disrespecting someone vs getting help with an issue that involves them. Specifically, getting help with family issues without dishonoring your parents.

Parents are always getting taught how to deal with a difficult child. But parents are sinners too and most children at some point in their life will be wondering how to deal with a difficult parent.

In Exodus 20:12 we are given the first command that comes with a promise, "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you." To get an idea of what that looks like, pastor Don Wilton outlines a few things that are implied in honoring your parents: Value them, respect them and their experiences, model their godly behavior, protect their dignity and reputation, bring them joy, and provide for their basic needs.

Being respectful means turning to them first if you have an issue. Being respectful mean don’t gossip.
So can you stay inside of these boundaries and still talk to people about your parents?

I think the answer must be yes, and yet this topic still frustrates me because I can't determine how much one can say and to whom they can say it. The reality is that every teenager is going to struggle with their parents to some extent, in those moments of rebellion most of the time it's best to go directly to them and resolve the issue. But how about when that isn't an option? What if you have parents that don't communicate well or you need clarity that they can't provide?

I don't claim to have the right answers, but here's my thoughts.

We understand that respect has to be earned, it isn't just given. For parents, it works differently. We are told that they deserve respect whether or not we feel like they have earned it. So no matter what situation you're in, how bad it looks, or how much you feel like you shouldn't have to respect your parents, you still have to respect them. Before you ever talk about them or to them ask yourself if what you're about to say is respectful. God commands that we honor our parents. So here are some guidelines I've found regarding how to honor them even when you feel like they don't deserve it.

Pray. Before you do anything else, ask God for wisdom. A lot of the time, we just need to rant. Instead of ranting to people about what just happened or how mistreated we feel, tell it all to God. There are problems we are going to have to figure out ourselves, so sometimes turning to other people won't help. If you simply need to rant, then rant to God. He will always listen and love you.

Find someone who can help. If you're complaining to someone who cannot help you in any way, it is disrespectful and counterproductive. You need a voice of wisdom in your life who has gone through whatever you're struggling with and made it out stronger. Turning to friends who can't actually offer sound advice definitely seems like gossip.

Give the facts. To throw in a negative opinion would make the conversation disrespectful and doesn't help anything. But to get help, you do have to lay out the facts. Respecting our parents doesn't mean ignoring the truth. It means speaking the truth in love. So when we sit down with someone to explain an issue we're having that involves our parents, it's ok to address the facts, just do it lovingly.

Put in the effort. If you have gotten advice but you don’t take it and put it into action, then you aren’t actually working to restore your relationship with your parents. The way to remain respectful is to continue trying to get close to them and improve the relationship. If you’re not putting in the work, you are brushing aside all the work they’ve done for you. Once you have gotten godly advice, act on it.

Friends, respect your parents. Do not gossip about them. If you are in a seemingly hopeless situation and your relationship is only getting worse, get help.

If there are parents reading this, I want to implore you to do something. I know may seem naïve and disrespectful for a 16 year old to try to tell you how to parent, but I promise I mean no disrespect. I mean only to tell of what I see and this message would be incomplete if I don’t add this. So I implore to be a safe space for your son or daughter. Admit that you aren’t perfect and be willing to listen. Most importantly, make it clear that you love them because they want nothing more than to be loved by you. Wouldn’t it be better for them to be able to tell you things and ask you for advice instead of someone random? Don’t you want to know when your child is hurting? If you would be that safe space for them; human, imperfect, loving, it will be easy for them to respect you.

We can draw a line between being disrespectful and getting help. Personally, I believe that if you cannot approach your parents to resolve an issue or get guidance without making the problem worse, then it is not disrespectful to turn to other godly council and explain the situation if that individual can actually help you in some way. You may come to a different conclusion or have thoughts that I haven’t considered, if so, please leave a comment or contact me and let me know, I would love to discuss it with you.