Facing a New Year

We like new stuff. New phones, new deals, new friends, new years. We move on from the old to the new so quickly, forgetting that every new thing will eventually become old. Over time, the initial excitement wears off, the glamour dwindles, the fleeting fascination dissipates, and you're left wondering why this "new" thing was such a big deal and stuck facing what it actually means to you.

Now, we look back at 2019. The excitement, glamour, and fascination of a new year, the year 2019, is gone. What's left? What have you done those 363 days? All of the build up, the anticipation, the parties, the toasts, the resolutions, the countdown and the ball drop, all of that led to this year and now it has faded into distant memory and all that is left is the ups and downs you had during the year. You cannot turn back time so I hope you are leaving 2019 with no regrets. I also hope that you make 2020 different. Don't settle for mediocracy, live your life sold out for Christ. Be motivated and make a change. I hope it's a good year.

There are two reasons we see New Years Day as special: 1. It provides us a good chance to look back and learn from our past year. 2. It gives us an opportunity to plan ahead and start again. What did 2019 really come down to? And what will you make different about 2020?

Let's take this chance to look back, I want to take a moment to go over a few highlights from my blog this year. If you have time, let's take a stroll down memory lane and walk through the highlights of 2019 together.

39 posts

Out of 52 weeks, that isn't too bad. 

Top 5 Posts:

Poetry

Broken. Beautiful.

Being Free

Random Thoughts

Drawing a Line

Top 3 Songs:

Blessings-Laura Story

God Only Knows-For King and Country

Joy-Sleeping at Last

Top 3 Quotes:

"Per Aspera Ad Astra"

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts"-Winston Churchill

"My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us and that as we trust in Him we will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us. And this will be a day that we will remember as a Day of Victory.”-Billy Graham

Top 3 Verses:

Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who lives but Christ lives in me. And this life I live now in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

Psalm 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Philippians 4:6-7, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Top 5 Favorite Words of Wisdom

"Our brokenness results in an openness to God's grace, He fills in our cracks, brings us back together, and creates a vessel so much more beautiful than we could have imagined. Those cracks are no longer something to disguise, rather they are part of our redemption story, part of who we are." Broken. Beautiful.

"We have the freedom to persevere, love in spite of pain, encourage others, and hope when life seems hopeless because we know that one day every tear will be wiped away. Without that freedom, nothing matters. With it, nothing else has to." Being Free

"If you are a child of God, know that no matter what, you are safe, held close in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings." Shelter of His Presence

"What you see in snapshots really isn't someone's real life, we all paint a picture that looks perfect while we hide our pain from the world." Picture Perfect

"When emotions are high and you want something badly that just seems so important, it's easy to forget those other things that should be important to us at all times. What are these things? Family. People. Relationships. Your integrity, honesty, and respectfulness. Love. Those things should never be sacrificed for anything, even breakfast." Some Things are More Important than Breakfast

That is my quick recap. I love writing and I appreciate having a place to put my words and an audience that reads them. Thanks for sticking with me through all the really bad posts and the ok ones.

But the second reason for New Years is just as important. Moving forward, what will you do? Who will you be in 2020?

My hope for you is that you cling to the simple things and pursue what you know is right. Because the idea of having a new year and a new century is exciting, but New Years Day will fade and life goes on as normal. And the daily plodding through life can weaken us step by step before we even know it. In all of that, it can be easy to loose sight of the truth that we cling to and the joy that we have. Sometimes, we forget why we live. Forget why we were made. We know we have hope, but we forget why. This year, keep going back to the truth. Remember why we do everything. You know the Gospel, so don't forget these simple truths.

You have always chosen sin. Chosen the one thing that makes life miserable. And you've suffered because of that sin. Every rejection, every heartbreak, every mask you had to wear and loneliness you felt was because of that choice. You were dead. Separated from God and the love that could heal you and put you back together. But life was not and never will be hopeless. The Son of God left His seat at the right hand of God the Father, was born to a virgin, and lived a perfect life. He did it for you. He faced every sin and temptation. He suffered through cruelty. He never escaped to a mask or let anything come between Him and His Father's glory. Jesus died for you. Died because He loves you. And then He defeated what you never could, He conquered sin and death and rose again to heaven. The gates of Hades cannot stand against Him or anyone that chooses Him. Eternity is in your heart, eternity is offered to you. There is freedom from the pain, and it's found in Christ. He loves you and wants a relationship with you. You were created for His glory and your own great joy. Live like it. Accept Christ and be free, you will find everything you are looking for in that freedom.

Run to those truths. 2020 promises to be full of trials, but if you arm yourself with God's love and surround yourself with His people, it will be a year of great joy. You are loved. You are enough. You are priceless!! Through difficulty, to the stars!!!

Dear readers,

     I genuinely don't know what to say to you today. I had three different rough drafts that I could have posted, but when it came time to edit and format them, they didn't seem right. Its been a rough week and I've struggled with putting my thoughts into neat, categorized, logical words. But this isn't about me, there have been way too many posts about me recently, which I generally try to avoid. I am writing this letter to you because I've been writing a lot of letters recently and maybe it will help get all my random thoughts onto one paper.

     First, how are you? Like, really? When is the last time you stopped and actually thought about what your struggles are, how you are fighting them, and if you are making progress? Trying to go into battle with a dull sword is rather pointless (no pun intended). Check to make sure that you are equipped to fight and win your battles in Christ. Pray. Take a moment to put on the full armor of God. Stop and allow yourself time to actually evaluate your emotions and your relationship with Christ.

     It feels like Christmas sneaks up on us every year now, and it's that time of year again. Great food, shouts of laughter, colorful lights, warm smiles, festive music, lots of friends and family....Tis the season to be jolly, right? For most, it is. And I genuinely hope you're full of joy right now. But trials don't just go away because it's December 25th. There are countless reasons to be happy and have a Merry Christmas, there are also reasons why it's difficult. Friends, I know this can be a hard time. Whether it's because you're missing someone, feeling nostalgic, feeling left out, or are overly stressed, Christmastime can magnify struggles and increase pain. However, it is still a gift. Look for the blessings right in front of you. If you get time off of work, an extra few moments with people you love, or a day to sleep in, then count that as a blessing. Look for the little moments of joy, even if this time, overall, is difficult for you.

     Everywhere you look is a reminder. Every nativity set, every family full of joy, every "Merry Christmas" sign, it is all a reminder of God's work. One of my favorite songs this Christmas is "Hope is Alive", I highly recommend listening to it. Because that's what Christmas means for us. Hope is alive, He came for us, He dwelt among us, and He lived a perfect life so that we didn't have to pay the price for our sin. Rejoice in that. One day, every tear will be wiped away and every trial will cease. All because God incarnate came to a little town called Bethlehem to be born in a manger. That's the significance of the Christmas story, don't undervalue it just because you've heard it a thousand times. Let the love that God showed us impact you every time you see a reminder of it. And right now, every where you look you can see a reminder that hope is alive.

     Lastly, there is a lot to think about right now. We inherently like to understand things and we search for answers. But the big questions in life often just take faith. I'm struggling with that in my own life right now. Philippians talks about "Peace that surpasses all understanding", and so many things in Scripture are like that. The hypostatic union, God living as man....that's beyond understanding. The fact that God, who is king over all and deserves more glory than we could ever give Him, would leave heaven to come to earth...that's beyond understanding. Not only did He leave heaven, but He lived a humble life, facing every temptation, and never sinned...that's beyond understanding. And why? Because He loved sinners. That's a love I will never understand. By God's grace, you are saved. The gift of eternal life is being freely given to you. Throw off your chains because He has set you free. At this point, refusing to accept what Christ died to give you....that's beyond understanding. Continuing to be a slave to sin....that's beyond understanding. Don't reject His love. If you're thinking about giving your life to Christ, please don't wait. He will accept you with His arms wide open and love you for who you are. Have faith that your sins are covered, throw off your chains, and rejoice in Christ.

     I love you all and hope you are doing well. You are priceless, you are loved, you are enough. Have a Merry Christmas!!!

Yours truly,
Elaine

Running on empty

We can only run for so long.

As much as we keep trying, we eventually grow tired and slow down until we stop. But we rarely let ourselves rest enough to really catch our breath. Living can be like driving; your tank of gas only gets you so far. At some point, you have to stop and refuel. I had been running on empty for a long time. If life is a highway, I had been driving it for way too long without slowing down. I had been tearing up the miles, eating up the minutes, speeding ahead and accelerating at every turn. I needed a break but I had reached the point where I forgot how to put the brake on. Pressure kept building but I just shoved it down again. Parts of me were breaking, but I gave them a quick fix and moved on. I blew past speed limits and caution signs always in a hurry to keep moving forward. When I took time to glance at my fuel gauge and realized how low it was, I brushed it aside, I couldnt be bothered to stop. I don’t know if I was chasing the future or escaping the past, maybe both, I just knew I had to keep chasing. The highway of life can be so confusing sometimes and I may not have known where I was going, but I sure was getting there fast.

Sometimes rushing through life like that feels exhilarating, sometimes it's scary, and it's always utterly exhausting.

Like I said though, we can only keep running for so long.

Last week, I stopped running. I had pushed myself to the limit and didn't even realize it until I felt safe, felt like I could stop. Last week I was in Kansas. I got seven days that I didn't have to plan, didn't have to do school, could eat, sleep, and play whenever I wanted to. Seven days where I felt loved and supported. The first three days, I was exhausted and slept a ton. It didn't make any sense why. I wasn't waking up very early or having especially late nights but I always felt worn out. Later though, I understood. For the first time in probably over eight months, I felt safe. And so I crashed. I felt supported, so I stopped escaping. I felt loved, so I stopped chasing. The adrenaline that anxiety gave me disappeared. The depression that drove me to work non-stop was gone. The fear of rejection relinquished its grasp so I didn’t care about keeping an act of perfection. I could finally rest. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, it was an amazing week.

I say all of this to communicate a simple message: Take a break. Stop running on empty and fuel up. Most likely, you need it as badly as I did. Whatever it is you are escaping and whatever you are chasing, you can only keep going for so long. Don’t wait until you break down and get stranded on a highway completely empty. Find a place where you know you are safe, time where you have no pressure, people who will love you regardless of anything you do, and rest. You are priceless. Tomorrow needs you. God wants you to rest in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings. Cast your burden on Him.

Christmas is an excellent time to do this. Finals are over and most of us have a break, time to spend with family. Enjoy it while it lasts and use it to refuel you for whatever is around the next turn in the road. Last year around this time, someone sent me Ecclesiastes 8:15 and it encouraged me to enjoy this season of rest. It says, "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun." You work hard. Just moving forward is a struggle. So be glad, enjoy the time you have. Psalm 4:8 says, "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety." The Lord keeps you safe, His hand shelters you and He is a rock for you. Have peace in that and allow yourself to rest.

Don't keep running on empty. Slow down, take a break, and breathe. You are held safe in God's hands and He will give you rest. 

Another day, another victory

This year, on my birthday, we flew to Kansas. I was excited about it for months, we spent weeks planning it and days packing for it. My dad and I scheduled the trip and I checked in the morning before we left. Everything was in place. There was just one concern: we might not get on. Since we fly standby and the airplane was oversold, I was constantly checking the flight to see if there were open seats. But it didn’t look like we would make it on my birthday. I screenshotted my flight options and sent them to the family I would stay with. Now, I talk about blessings in disguise a lot. But this one was very clearly God’s work. Our friends realized that the flight we booked was taking us to Kansas City, Missouri, not Wichita, Kansas. Had we continued as planned, we would have ended up 4 hours away from where we wanted to.

Logic

Life doesn't make sense. It's confusing. I don't understand it, can't figure it out, and waste hours trying.
I hate not knowing. I seek to understand things and get frustrated when I can't. So when it comes to illogical issues in life, I have very little patience. That's why I've dedicated my year to learning about trust. I've thought about it, discussed it, written about it, and prayed about it. The year is almost over, but my journey with trust is not. Because trust is one of those issues in life that simply isn't logical.

Logic is, “reasoning conducted according to strict principles of validity.”
Sounds nice doesn’t it? Logic is the kind of thing that remains steadfast-- unchanging.
Everything makes sense because of it. We use reasoning to sort the world into neat little conclusions

based on what is valid. 

Trust, however, is the reliance on or the belief in the reliability of someone or something. 

Relying on people doesn't work with my logical view point on life. 

My experience is that the more I trust, the more I am able to get hurt. People are imperfect, so trusting them with my problems and pain only leaves me open to being hurt. 

But you know what else doesn't make logical sense to me? Ice skating.
Moving quickly on ice and balancing on a thin blade isn't logical.
How do you keep moving forward? Is it possible to stop without falling? Why can’t I stop shaking? Do people really do this for fun?

I went ice skating for the first time two weeks ago. After sixteen years of walking on real ground, I stepped onto ice and it was drastically different. The first 20 minutes I spent just trying to wrap my mind around the concept of moving forward in ice skates. I couldn’t figure it out. But I reasoned and questioned and listened to people try to explain it for quite a while. Then someone finally told me to stop thinking. I figured out that ice skating isn’t logical. Logically, I wouldn’t think any of it would work. When I stopped thinking and just trusted other people’s instructions, I finally made progress.

After ice skating, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much my year had been like that. I would try to justify things logically, or logically try to figure out situations, but it wasn’t until I just trusted and took a leap of faith that I could actually move forward.

People helped me move forward. They hurt me sometimes, but often in a good way, a way that caused me to grow. For such a long time I had pushed people away and been independent. Now, I can't imagine my life without the people around me that help me stand up and face life. Sometimes, we have to stop looking for the logic and just move forward. Maybe we'll fall, maybe it will hurt, but it's better then being stuck in fear.

Since the beginning of this year, I have learned so much. I still doubt people, but I'm more willing to open up. I've started telling my stories and my struggles more. Some times its worth it, some times its not. But I'm still learning. I have deepened my trust in God more. Found that He definitely knows best and unanswered prayers are often a blessing. The people He puts in my life are all there for a reason. Not only have I learned about trust in people and in God, but I've discovered how much to trust myself. Working as a gymnastics coach has increased my confidence in my ability to make the right decisions. I rely on my abilities a lot more now and give myself more responsibility. There is limits to that though. I've figured out what I can't trust myself with and when to get a second opinion. Absolute trust never works well.

This post was not well-written. I apologize for that. All week I've been looking forward to this and thinking about what I would say. But I learned that to write about something, you have to understand it, at least a little bit. I don't understand trust. I don't understand why I do something so illogical. So my phrases are repetitive and confusing. The bottom line is this: Find people you can trust and rely on them. Tell your story and struggles and let them help you. I ache to be that person for others, I want to be that safe space that people can lean on. Because I've come to recognize the value of taking a leap of faith. 

There are people I know now that I will never trust, people who have proven there trust, and people that trust me. I still can't understand it. There are still days when I ask myself why I ever started friendship, why I ever explained my problems to people. But there are so many times where, illogically, I've trusted and it's paid off. People have blessed me so much. 

Despite still not being able to figure out people and trust and life, I have learned to set aside logic at times in order to move forward. 

Thanksgiving 2019!!

Once again, it is time for a stereotypical holiday post. You know, the one that tells you what it really means to be thankful this Thanksgiving holiday. And I wanted to write this to add my voice to the thousands that are trying to explain the true meaning of living thankfully (at least for one day). Unlike last year when I did something at least sorta original, this year I'm not even going to try. I'm going to be one of those people that simply creates a list of things they are thankful for. But there is a reason for that. In the last year, I have come to recognize the value of making lists. I've found how easy it is to take things for granted. With that, comes a new appreciation for being able to name things I'm grateful for. So make it a tradition. Write down things you are thankful for in your life. Here are a few of mine:

Sleepless nights
Unanswered prayers
Scars because they show that we aren't perfect
Scars because they show us God's healing
Prayers
Friends that are brutally honest
Trials
Memories
Mercies in disguise
Wisdom
Reminders that this in not my home
Comments
Hugs
True freedom
Nostalgia
Deep songs
Letters
Words
Journals
Being able to share my thoughts with you
People who will listen
Perfect moments
School
Knowledge
Learning
Friends that are older than me
All my friends
Glimpses of people's deeper side
Hearing stories
Telling my story
People who admit they aren't perfect
The courage to continue
The ability to shoot for the stars
Lists of things I'm thankful for

I don't know you. I don't know your story. I hope you love your family and are enjoying an amazing Thanksgiving with them, I hope your list of things that you are constantly grateful for is unending. But if the holiday's are rough for you, please remember you are loved. Remember that God's blessings may come in disguise, but they are always there. Find a reason to be joyful today. I may not know you, but I am grateful for you. I'm thankful for all of you.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Carpe Diem

You've only got 86,400 seconds today. How can you make an impact in that time? How can you live the way you want to live? I read this quote by Max Lucado and decided to share it today. I struggle with choosing any of these, but there is so much freedom in living according to the Fruits of the Spirit. Don't let today slip by without you making an effort to better yourself and others. Carpe diem!


“I Choose Love...
No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I Choose Joy...
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I Choose Peace...
I will live forgiven. I will forgive so I may live.

I Choose Patience...
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so, Rather complain that the wait is to long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I Choose Kindness...
I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for that is how God has treated me.

I Choose Goodness...
I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness.

I Choose Faithfulness...
Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My friends will not question my word. And my family will not question my love.

I Choose Gentleness...
Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it only be in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I Choose Self-Control...
I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then when this day is done I will place my head on my pillow and rest.”
― Max Lucado

God will give you the strength to choose to live this way, He wants you to use each moment to draw nearer to Him. Only 86,400 seconds to decide what you will choose today. Use the seconds wisely.
Seize the day!

hypocrytical?

On Tuesday, December 18th, 2018, I opened a draft for a blog post. I thought I would post it soon, it was a topic I was passionate about at the moment and I had some time to write. I returned to it multiple times to write it and then even decided to write a speech on the same topic. This concept I wanted to write about had never left my mind and I was thinking about it constantly, so it only seemed right that I should post about it. Yesterday I opened this draft and found it just as I left it that evening in December: Empty. Not one word. Just a title, a thought I had, a blank sheet of paper waiting to be filled. My computer screen stared back at me accusingly. But this time, I had come to write. Like I said, I wrote a speech on this topic that has haunted me for almost a year. Here is most of it, edited and adapted for easier reading. Some of these words you have probably read before, but I hope they inspire you in new ways. It all started with a quesiton: Am I hypocritical?

That preacher changed what I thought about hypocrisy. He stood up in front of a congregation and admitted that he was just a sinner. That preacher wasn’t even real. The preacher I’m referring to is the fictional character in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s book, A Scarlett Letter. This novel, set in a 17th-century Puritan society, deals in part with a pastor who has hidden a sin for seven years and struggles with guilt because of it. When he decided enough was enough he opened up and told the truth. Unfortunately, he didn’t receive the response he wanted; no one believed him. The more the clergyman asserts his own sinfulness, the holier his congregation believes him to be. He was a hypocrite, but they only elevated him higher. 

Getting this kind of response is one of my greatest fears. And that’s why I’m writing this. Because somehow I want to step out of a lie and face a fear. I want to talk about being hypocritical.

Let’s define what that means. Merriam Webster defines hypocritical as “characterized by behavior that contradicts what one claims to believe.” Basically, it's living a lie, saying one thing and doing another. When we become hypocrites we can become enslaved by our image and trapped inside of something we aren’t. That’s what I want to warn against by discussing our image, the direction we should be going, and the influence we can have on others.

Starting with our image or the way we portray ourselves. When I think of hypocrisy my mind first goes to Mathew 23, which is just 39 verses of Jesus calling out the Pharisees for all their sins. In verses 28 and 29 He says, ““Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” The Pharisees were whitewashed. That always makes me think. White is the color of purity, of perfection. How many of us become whitewashed for church on Sunday? We scrub up, put on nice clothes, sing the hymns and pray, even drop coins in the offering plate. I’m not saying don’t dress up for church, I’m saying please be careful that you don’t become whitewashed in the sense that they did. Hypocrisy is living out this image of outward holiness and inward decay, outward smiles and inside tears, outward “I’m fine” and inward screams for help.

For the last two years, I feel like I’ve lived this kind of lie. I’ve painted myself as something I’m really not and feel pressure to live up to that. That’s led to feeling stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety over not being perfect enough. The little snapshots of information that I let people see make it seem like I have my life all together and perfectly planned out. The reality is a little messier though. I am a hypocrite in many ways. But I don’t let people see that, I only show them the side of me that looks somewhat presentable.

What’s your image look like? Do you let people see who you are? Or do you only show the whitewashed outside? If you can relate to struggling with hypocrisy, there is hope. Let’s examine the direction we must go to step out of this lie.

I’ve always been told that the Christian life isn’t about perfection, it’s about direction. This means that we must try to escape the picture of being perfect. As long as people view you as having everything together, always calm, and unendingly happy, you are being hypocritical. We have to move in the direction of letting people know us as real people. This is something I am so afraid of doing. I’m comfortable with showing you the snapshots that make my life look figured out. But dig deeper and I will start backing away. At least, I used to. This summer, I was feeling the pressure of living up to an image I had created and was ready to be done with it. And yes, I was scared of people seeing me for something different, but with that fear came the hope that I could stop living up to such a high expectation. Yes, they would see how broken and stressed and exhausted I was, but maybe in that they could see who God had made me, see His grace that had healed me, see the strength that had miraculously gotten me through. I chose hope over fear and honesty over hypocrisy. I started to head in the right direction by letting people see that I do struggle and don’t have it all together.

Lastly, let’s spend some time looking at our influence and how hypocrisy affects it.

Recently, life has been really busy. Not just for me, but a lot of my friends are feeling the stress as well. When a friend called me for encouragement one day, I told them honestly, “I don’t feel like I can say anything that will help, it will all be so hypocritical.” The response they gave really stuck with me, they said, “That’s ok, sometimes in order to encourage others you have to be a little hypocritical.” And I agree with that. When people come to us for help, we may be in the place of not even being able to help ourselves. We still must offer advice and hope. If encouraging people when we are discouraged is hypocritical, then please, be a hypocrite. But often the biggest impact you can make will come through telling your story. Being real and admitting you aren’t perfect makes you real and approachable, telling people what you’ve been through and how you’ve come out stronger communicates hope. I love stories, I love hearing about people's struggles. They are all a testament to the power and love of God. They show how He mends broken humans.

Pictures capture moments, stories capture lifetimes. I encourage you today to go find someone who needs hope and strength, tell them about the ways that God has empowered you. Use your story to influence people and give them a reason to keep going. We could all use that. Don’t allow yourself to become trapped in an image you have created. It leads to pressure, false expectations of perfection, and limits the influence you can have on people. Don’t let people elevate you higher based on some perceived holiness, but rather stand before them and admit your imperfections. 

Destroy your hypocrisy, tell your story and bring hope into someone’s life.

A Day of Victory

No one saw it coming. 

We had just recovered from World War Two, still working on shaking off the sorrow that had entangled us. Families were still recovering and rebuilding. In 2001, things were looking hopeful again. And on a clear day in September, no one was ready for that to end. To everyone in New York, it was just another Tuesday morning. Everything changed at 8:45 when the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center. 3 other attacks followed, leading to almost 3,000 deaths as a result of the terrorist attack on 9/11. Shock was followed by sorrow and then anger. We got hit by something unexpected and it was devastating. 

And we’ve all been there in some way. Something or someone has hurt us, we have suffered and struggled and mourned, questioned how we were ever going to get back up and move forward. But for Christians, that recovery is always the same. We all run back to Christ, we all rebuild on His word as our foundation. I want to give you a message of hope today. That hope is found in my favorite historical speech. I found this speech two weeks ago and loved it, I think it's worth sharing so please stick around. Billy Graham, gave this address and titled it, “A Day of Victory”. At the time, victory didn’t seem to be on anyone’s mind. Most people were feeling defeated and torn, that’s what makes Billy Graham’s speech so amazing.

Addressing a mourning nation of young children who saw the disaster from their schools, grandparents who watched it from home, parents that had lost kids and families that had been ripped apart. All eyes are on Billy Graham, and these are some of the words he said to a country in tears:

“This week we watched in horror as planes crashed into the steel and glass of the World Trade Center. Those majestic towers, built on solid foundations, were examples of prosperity and creativity. When damaged, those buildings plummeted to the ground, imploding in upon themselves. Yet, underneath the debris, is a foundation that was not destroyed. Therein lies the truth of that hymn, “How Firm a Foundation.”

Yes, our nation has been attacked, buildings destroyed, lives lost. But now we have a choice: whether to implode and disintegrate emotionally and spiritually as a people and a nation; or to choose to become stronger through all of this struggle, to rebuild on a solid foundation. In that hymn, “How Firm a Foundation,” the words say, “Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed,/For I am thy God, and will give thee aid;/I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,/Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.”

My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us and that as we trust in Him we will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us. And this will be a day that we will remember as a Day of Victory.”

I love the way he compares our lives to the towers. We get hit with tragedy and hardships, they make us crumble and fill our life with debris, but with Christ as our foundation we are never destroyed and we can rise again. We are upheld by God's right hand and His arms are lovingly wrapped around us. The last three weeks for me have not been victory. There were points where I didn't think life could get worse, and then it did. I was getting into bed feeling defeated every night and then waking up the next morning knowing I had to keep going. Graham's words made me realize that as long as I was trusting God, I each day was a victory. I don't know what you've been through this week, I don't know how stressed out or overwhelmed you are. You may feel like everything is hopeless right now. I encourage you today to run back to Christ. Please remember His promises and His words of comfort. Remember how He has kept those that trust in Him and how He has blessed you. You may not be strong enough to face the challenges in front of you right now, but that's ok. His power is made perfect in weakness. Run to Christ and rebuild in Him as your foundation.

Billy Graham’s purpose in this message was to bring hope to the people of America and lead them back to Christ for strength. Life will hit you hard, it probably already has. But know that in everything you go through, you have a firm foundation. Beneath all the ruins and wreckage this life can cause, the foundation of Christ will never be destroyed. This is the hope that Billy Graham brought America after 9/11. This is the hope we must never forget. If you run to Christ for strength, today can be your day of victory.

Step back

This is going to be a very short post but hopefully worth reading. My purpose is just to remind you of Who is in control right now.

Like I've said before, we all struggle. It's finding hope in those struggles that strengthens who we are in Christ. When we are in the midst of a situation we often can't see all the sides of it. Corrie Ten Boom wrote about this in her poem "My Life is But a Weaving", I love what she says about sorrow.

“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”

We can't see the whole picture right now, in fact, this world tends to distract us and make us forget that there is a bigger picture. But we aren't completely in the dark. God's word guides us through everything, His spirit is constantly with us, and the people in our life are placed here for a reason. Open your heart and listen. Fill yourself with God's word, meditate on it constantly, pray that His spirit would guide you in every step you take, and listen to the wisdom that people around you offer. God is in control right now and He gave you those three things to help provide you with a different perspective on your situation. Take a step back from life right now and realize that, compared to eternity, this present moment is nothing. When we think about forever with Christ, temptations become easier to bear. So let go of your emotions and pain and worry. Focus on God and the plan He has not only for your life but for all of eternity. Trust that He will never leave you or forsake you. Step back and trust that He is weaving something great and that He loves you always.

Psalm 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Pride

For about a year and a half now, I’ve worked as a gymnastics coach, I love my job, I love working with the kids and watching them grow….but part of that job is a little less fun. Every evening we have to clean the gym. The bathrooms, the windows, the carpet, the floors, everything. One day I got done with my class and walk into the supply closet to grab the mop and the bucket and…I stop, confused. I look again. Then I think for a second….surely my assumptions are wrong. No coach would actually do that…..right? I look again, but sure enough, the mop bucket has almost an inch of nasty water in it, and it’s sitting inside the closet. I was shocked. No one had mopped yet that night, that meant the water had been sitting there since last night during cleaning. And all day people had been going in and out of the closet and no one had bothered to take care of it. Now I am not the neatest most organized person, my family could tell you that, but ever since I was young I’ve been taught to do things as though doing them for the Lord. Whoever had put that bucket away last must have forgotten that verse. I realized the problem, and a problem facing many Americans was a lack of pride. We don’t take ownership any more so the quality of our lives and what we produce is decreasing. To remedy this problem, I want to persuade you to have pride.

I understand that pride is generally seen as a bad thing, but there are two types of pride: An arrogant pride and healthy pride. Pride according to Marriam Webster can mean two things, first disdain, conceit, and inordinate self-esteem. That’s arrogant pride, haughtiness, the kind of pride that Proverbs warns us about. Secondly, pride can mean “reasonable or justifiable self-respect or delight arising from some act, possession, or relationship”. This is good pride. This is that feeling of achievement when you’ve done something well. Unfortunately, as we’ve preached against haughty pride we have also thrown out much of the self-respect. We need to clearly distinguish between these two terms and cultivate the last one, specifically in what we do and who we are.

Taking pride in what you do isn’t about getting approval, it is about reaching the standards you have set for yourself, and that should be the one outlined in the Bible. Colossians 3:23 says, “ Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men” If we did everything as though the Lord would inspect it, I think we would do our jobs much better. My dad always stresses to my siblings and I the importance of attention to detail. When you finish vacuuming, make sure the chord is wrapped up. When you do math, make it neat. When you mop, empty the mop bucket all the way. Paying this much attention to the little things doesn’t come naturally because we often do things just to get them done. Taking pride in our work would remedy this issue.

Having pride in who we are is a very tricky subject. There is such a fine line between self-respect and arrogance, a line between pride in ourselves and pride in our sin. There are many ways in which we can take pride in who we are to the point of sin. We see this in our culture through rainbow flags and rally’s for the Equality Act. Any pride that causes us to love our sin is wrong and is not what I’m trying to encourage. What I am encouraging is that we take pride in who Christ sees us as, and we remain thankful for who we are in Him, and that we take joy in the blessings He gives us. When we look in the mirror and see our reflection as “not good enough”, when we look at our actions and achievements and say, “not good enough”, we are telling God that His creation isn’t enough. Isnt pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough, popular enough. Listen, God created you as you are for a reason and to Him you are more than enough. Show some pride in who you are and take ownership of your accomplishments.

The source of all anxiety and depression are lies that the enemy tells us. Lies like, “you could never do enough, you could never be enough, you are not enough.” And in those moments when we believe those lies we refusing to believe everything that God says about us. Ephesians 2:10 tells us, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Let’s be proud of the fact that we are His workmanship and live accordingly.

Picture perfect

I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. They capture moments and hold memories for us.....but do they always tell the truth? When we see family pictures with everyone smiling in front of a picturesque background we don't see the struggles that family may be going through. 

Take a look at some of the snapshots of my life. In each one, you see a happy, motivated, loved teenage girl. They show a senior in high school, a gymnastics coach, and a church-attending Christian who can defend her faith and give all the right answers to questions of theology. They tell a story of a twin who's close to her family and always smiling, who grew up homeschooled and can't wait to attend a Christian college.

If you look at the pictures, my life is perfect.

The reality is a little messier though. You don't actually know me, everyone only knows little parts of me. They all get snapshots. But the full mess? I don't even think I fully realize it, and I sincerely doubt I could communicate it. Besides, who would want to see it all? So even my closest friends only get snapshots. 

What you see in snapshots really isn't someone's real life, we all paint a picture that looks perfect while we hide our pain from the world. I want you to realize today that your snapshots don't have to be perfect, that you are seen and understood, and lastly I want to urge you to get the full picture of someone's life.

Here's one of my biggest problems with only showing snapshots: We think they all have to be perfect. When people only see you as being put together and composed, you become afraid of revealing anything different. So we fight to maintain that image. Once we think people see us as having all the answers then we believe we have to live up to that standard, afraid that anything else would be disappointing them. There is this fear that they won't like us or will leave us once we show them our more human side; our brokenness. Friends, I have seen so many people hurt by this lie. If you find yourself buying into this myth right now, please stop. You are human, don't be afraid to show people that. Friends bond over brokenness, not perfection. Let people in to the real story of your life, and every so often, let them see a picture that isn't perfect. Then they will love you for you, and they will feel more free to be real with you. 

People around us often only see the pictures we want to show them, that's why they only get these snapshots of our life. But God sees the whole photo album and understand every thought that goes on behind the scenes. He knows your thoughts, struggles, fears, mistakes, sins, hopes, dreams.....all of it. 

One of my favorite songs right now is by the band For King and Country and its called, "God Only Knows", here's some of my favorite lines,

"God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows"

The song talks about how we keep a cover over every secret, so afraid that people would leave if we showed them, but there is Someone who sees and never leaves. This song sums up what I want to say much more eloquently then I could. God sees more then just the snapshots, more then the smiles you fake when you are struggling. He sees you for who you are, He sees everything you go through. You are not alone. You are not misunderstood, at least by God. And there is so much comfort in that. 

Feeling misunderstood and forgotten leads very quickly to depression. I know. I've been there. I have friends who are there right now. I implore you to not just believe the snapshots you see of peoples life. And I'm not just talking about Instagram or Facebook photos, I'm talking about the little glimpses of them you see. Because you may think you know people, but often times you simply haven't noticed how much more there is to them and their life. 

Go learn something new about someone. Figure out their struggles. Right now. And yes, I am speaking to you, not just someone else.

I love stories, I love hearing about people's struggles. I want to get to know people for who they are. And I am so hypocritical about this, because like I said, no one really knows me. But I collect stories, whether written or spoken, they are all a testament to the power and love of God. They show how He mends broken humans. Pictures capture moments, stories capture lifetimes. Every story makes me love God and love people more. Go look for the story beneath the picture they've showed you.

Don't make your life picture perfect and force yourself to maintain that. God knows what you're going through and your friends want to. They want to see you for you. Tell your story and go listen to stories. There will always be a theme of God's grace and redeeming love. 

Peace

How many of you are anxious?

Being stressed is the story of my life right now, I feel like I just keep being asked to handle one more thing. It almost feels like I’m in the middle of the biggest juggling act and am just trying to keep all the objects in the air. As a public speaker, you would think I would know how to handle nerves. But anxiety still gets to me constantly. Whenever I’m preparing to face people I basically just repeat Taylor Swifts lyrics in my head, “You need to calm down, you need to calm down.” People keep asking me how I don’t freak out in debate rounds, how I can appear confident, if there’s a way to calm down when you’re nervous. You know what I figured out? Being told to calm down or that there's, “nothing to worry about” really doesn’t help you. Because that’s not what matters. You will never have confidence in what's about to happen simply because someone told you to. Confidence comes from peace. I really want to share what God has put on my heart recently and the ways He has comforted me when I was struggling. I want to talk about peace, the kind of peace that quiets anxiety and provides calm in chaos.

This kind of feeling starts with having peace in who you are.

And I know that sounds so cheesy, very fakely motivational like something you see on a cat poster right? You know something like, “Believe in who you are”. But seriously, its true. If you don’t have peace in who you are you going to be stressed out. Your identity is foundational to everything else you do, and realizing that you are already safe and loved by God removes so much stress. There is a verse that I was obsessed with last year and still am today, and I would say this before I went into any of my speeches or in the middle of debate rounds. I started writing it everywhere I could because it helped me remember who I am and give me peace. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And this life I live now in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” This is my identity. Friends, we are His. We never have to question who we are, never have to worry about being unloved. Nothing can separate us from Him. And if this is your identity you have no reason to be anxious, nothing will ever change who you are in Him. This is peace. All your sins are washed away, your past cant be used against you, you are His masterpiece. Your identity in Him is the most important thing about you, and because it is secure you have no reason to be anxious or stressed or worried. Christ is living in you now and so you can have peace with who you are. 

Since we have been crucified with Christ, this life really isn’t ours; it’s God’s to use for His glory. If we have peace in our identity then we can have peace in our circumstances. “The life we live in the flesh we live by faith in the Son of God.” We must have faith that He has control over everything that affects us. That doesn’t mean that life is going to be easy. God isn’t an umbrella, he doesn’t stop the rain and the hardships from touching us. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. Peace doesn’t mean that our boat won’t be rocked in the storm, it does mean that He will sustain us in those moments. He will be the anchor for our soul. When we pray for, “Peace that surpasses all understanding”, this is what we pray for.

Life is hard. Life hurts. It beats us to our knees. It makes us want to escape. To cope with this pain, everyone turns to different places. We seek the things that make us happy or numb the pain or at least distract us. But the only comfort we will ever find is in God. He is the God of peace and gives us peace that we can’t even understand. This idea of having a peace that you cant understand is mind blowing for me. I’ve often wondered, why do I believe in that? Why should you believe in something you can’t understand, something other people cant see? There are solutions that we can see and people do understand, why don’t we turn to those things when our world is rocked or we are shaking with fear? Why run to God? I can’t answer that for you, I can only tell you why I do. I believe in peace greater than understanding because sorrow may last the night, but joy comes in the morning. Because my sins are forgiven. Because He blesses His people. Because He gives us more than we could ever ask or think. This is why I can believe in things I don’t understand. I know that His hope is an anchor for my soul, whether I’m anxious or upset He is there sustaining me. My life is His, I trust Him, so I can have peace in my circumstances.

Knowing who I am in Christ and that He is always in control gives me peace in my identity and circumstances. Lastly, we need to have peace with our future. Not only are our circumstances in His hands, but the result of them is His as well. The last part of Galatians 2:20 talks about Jesus’ love for us and that He gave Himself for us. If He loved us then, He will never stop loving us. He will secure for us a hope and a future, He is working all things for His good. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." This verse comes right after a long description of God's power and control over His people. When we are anxious we need to just be still and recognize that the outcome is in God’s hands. Not only that, but the outcome will involve us having a better relationship with our savior. Our struggles bring us closer, our anxiety makes us run to Him and shows us that we can’t handle it on our own.

The moral of what I want to say is this: Taylor Swift was right. You need to calm down. But where she doesn’t provide the solution, the Bible does. We can know a peace that surpasses all understanding. That comes by having peace in who we are, what we’re going through, and our future’s. I am praying that you all have this peace today. Whatever happens in your life that terrifies and shocks you, please don’t forget that you are His. 

Galatians 2:20. 

Read it. 

Live it.

Drawing A Line

As a debater, I've learned to love clarity and definitions. I've discovered the importance in making distinctions between two terms that can blurred in life or in debate rounds. For instance, this year the resolution I'm debating is that culture should value assimilation over multiculturalism. Obviously to debate this, you have to make it clear that they aren't the same thing and show where the differences are. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it seems to draw that line. Is the US assimilated? Or multicultural? If you all follow the same laws, does that make you unified? Or can you pay taxes to a government and still keep the things that make your culture unique? Complicated questions, right?

If you've stuck with me this far and are still reading, then I applaud you. Honestly, today I want to deal with an incredibly controversial and confusing topic, one that I know I don't have all the answers to. Because drawing lines that clarify what you can and can't do is necessary in life. Like, where do you draw the line between having fun and being careless? Or doing good works vs. depending on your good works for salvation? How about between managing your time and being anxious about the future? But the distinction I want to make today is one we don't think about a lot: disrespecting someone vs getting help with an issue that involves them. Specifically, getting help with family issues without dishonoring your parents.

Parents are always getting taught how to deal with a difficult child. But parents are sinners too and most children at some point in their life will be wondering how to deal with a difficult parent.

In Exodus 20:12 we are given the first command that comes with a promise, "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you." To get an idea of what that looks like, pastor Don Wilton outlines a few things that are implied in honoring your parents: Value them, respect them and their experiences, model their godly behavior, protect their dignity and reputation, bring them joy, and provide for their basic needs.

Being respectful means turning to them first if you have an issue. Being respectful mean don’t gossip.
So can you stay inside of these boundaries and still talk to people about your parents?

I think the answer must be yes, and yet this topic still frustrates me because I can't determine how much one can say and to whom they can say it. The reality is that every teenager is going to struggle with their parents to some extent, in those moments of rebellion most of the time it's best to go directly to them and resolve the issue. But how about when that isn't an option? What if you have parents that don't communicate well or you need clarity that they can't provide?

I don't claim to have the right answers, but here's my thoughts.

We understand that respect has to be earned, it isn't just given. For parents, it works differently. We are told that they deserve respect whether or not we feel like they have earned it. So no matter what situation you're in, how bad it looks, or how much you feel like you shouldn't have to respect your parents, you still have to respect them. Before you ever talk about them or to them ask yourself if what you're about to say is respectful. God commands that we honor our parents. So here are some guidelines I've found regarding how to honor them even when you feel like they don't deserve it.

Pray. Before you do anything else, ask God for wisdom. A lot of the time, we just need to rant. Instead of ranting to people about what just happened or how mistreated we feel, tell it all to God. There are problems we are going to have to figure out ourselves, so sometimes turning to other people won't help. If you simply need to rant, then rant to God. He will always listen and love you.

Find someone who can help. If you're complaining to someone who cannot help you in any way, it is disrespectful and counterproductive. You need a voice of wisdom in your life who has gone through whatever you're struggling with and made it out stronger. Turning to friends who can't actually offer sound advice definitely seems like gossip.

Give the facts. To throw in a negative opinion would make the conversation disrespectful and doesn't help anything. But to get help, you do have to lay out the facts. Respecting our parents doesn't mean ignoring the truth. It means speaking the truth in love. So when we sit down with someone to explain an issue we're having that involves our parents, it's ok to address the facts, just do it lovingly.

Put in the effort. If you have gotten advice but you don’t take it and put it into action, then you aren’t actually working to restore your relationship with your parents. The way to remain respectful is to continue trying to get close to them and improve the relationship. If you’re not putting in the work, you are brushing aside all the work they’ve done for you. Once you have gotten godly advice, act on it.

Friends, respect your parents. Do not gossip about them. If you are in a seemingly hopeless situation and your relationship is only getting worse, get help.

If there are parents reading this, I want to implore you to do something. I know may seem naïve and disrespectful for a 16 year old to try to tell you how to parent, but I promise I mean no disrespect. I mean only to tell of what I see and this message would be incomplete if I don’t add this. So I implore to be a safe space for your son or daughter. Admit that you aren’t perfect and be willing to listen. Most importantly, make it clear that you love them because they want nothing more than to be loved by you. Wouldn’t it be better for them to be able to tell you things and ask you for advice instead of someone random? Don’t you want to know when your child is hurting? If you would be that safe space for them; human, imperfect, loving, it will be easy for them to respect you.

We can draw a line between being disrespectful and getting help. Personally, I believe that if you cannot approach your parents to resolve an issue or get guidance without making the problem worse, then it is not disrespectful to turn to other godly council and explain the situation if that individual can actually help you in some way. You may come to a different conclusion or have thoughts that I haven’t considered, if so, please leave a comment or contact me and let me know, I would love to discuss it with you.

Poetry

I used to not like poetry. I didn't see a point in it, it felt too fancy and seemed overly complicated. But then I read a few poems that really captivated me and now I'm addicted. There is a strange power in poetry that makes us want to listen and hear/read more. We somehow feel like we can relate to it more. This is my first attempt at writing poetry, feel free to let me know if I did it wrong. The thing is, so far I've only been able to write about me and things I feel, so this is me being very vulnerable. I haven't written a lot about myself because I want to be speaking to you and trying to spread hope. But for some reason when I try to write poetry I can only write about myself. My wish is that you can still relate to these words and find hope in them. 

***


Underwater


I’m underwater
can’t breathe
floundering in an ocean of my own tears,
swept over by waves of people that don’t care
soaked to the bone with sorrow
weighed down with anxiety.
so deep that if happiness was the sun
I wouldn’t feel the warmth of its rays.
the current of life seems to fight
my every movement.
I am falling in
slow motion,
the pressure makes me dizzy.
the surface, my hope, growing distant.
I’m underwater.

the burdens I bear pull me deeper
like a millstone around my neck.
I hear only my own heartbeat
feel my scars washed clean
maybe there is a beauty here
in the depth.
dark blue sadness,
like water
surrounding me,
making me appreciate its color.
feeling the waves wash me clean.
there is a strange peace,
knowing He holds the oceans in His hands.
He holds me in His hands.
when the current tries to move me,
He is an anchor for my soul.
never have I felt this close
to the One that created me.
He cried drops of blood for me
His love for me is more than
the drops in the ocean.
a love so deep, so wide, I am drowning in it.



***



Seen


What if the one thing I want most
is the one thing I want the least?
What if the thing I hope for
is also what I dread?

my protests are always,
“they don’t understand”
my constant complaint is
that no one knows my struggles
making my greatest wish
to be seen.
seen for who I am,
what I’ve been through,
the struggles I overcome.
there is hope that one day
I will come face to face
with someone who sees
more than just my face.
one who looks deeper,
desires to know me for me,
hears my silent screams for help
that I hide behind smiles.
I want more than anything else
to be seen.


My fears and my hopes are aligned
what I most dread is the day
when I come face to face
with someone who sees
more than just my face.
one who looks deeper and sees me for me
my weaknesses revealed
fears and lies observed and understood
will my struggles be laughed at,
my pain be brushed aside as petty,
and my personality mocked as oversensitive?
life for me has been a contest
I must always be the best
so weakness is something to hide
and pain is disregarded.
for someone to see these hidden things
would be for me to lose the image I cultivate.
more than anything else, I dread
being seen.


I wait,
remaining seen
but unseen
always wondering
always hiding
I escape to my room with my thoughts
pen and paper are my constant companions
they know me
my story is written in their lines.
my room hides me when I write and when I weep
the walls I erect and the walls of my room
serve the same purpose
they keep me from what I want the most
and from what I want the least.
between these walls my truth is unseen.
If the eyes are the windows to the soul,
what would people see if they peered inside?
if the door was opened,
to my room or my heart,
maybe I would be seen for who I am
broken. ugly. scarred. afraid.
hopeful. loved. healed. brave.


Yet people don’t peer deeper
no one sees inside.
until the day when someone sees
my soul, looks under my skin,
peers through my walls
until the day when what I want
and what I dread both occur,
I remain
unseen.



***

Tests

6:30 wake up, feet hit the floor and adrenaline courses through me. I try to slow my thoughts down and focus while speeding through getting ready. 15 minute drive to the foreboding brick building where hundreds of kids are already gathered. An anxious wait for instructions and then I'm led to an uncomfortable chair in the center of a room with 25 other kids around me and a thick stack of paper in front of me. My hands slide over and over the calculator and tap out a rhythm on my desk. This prison-like room on the third floor of the foreboding brick high school will be my cell for the next 5 hours, trapping me as I answer each question in front of me. At this point, there is no escape. 

I feared those moments for 6 weeks, dreaded them every time the thought of taking the SAT crossed my mind. 
I knew that the second I entered that building, there was no way out until I completed the test. And this SAT had given me anxiety for 6 weeks.
Not because I'm afraid of the test, I take tests all the time, but because I was terrified of what it would reveal about me. My score wouldn't simply be a 90% or a 65%, they wouldn't give me a letter grade, they wouldn't even just tell me how I did. The SAT compares me to everyone else in that room, everyone else in the US. Soon, the world will know based on my scores whether or not I am actually as smart as I have worked my whole life to be. So for me, studying for this test wasn't about getting a certain score, it was about getting a certain percentile. 

Because knowing and living with the fact that I was below average, or even just average, seemed horrible.

This mindset is destroying people.

Hundreds of people feel just like I felt that morning, like they were about to know things about themselves that they didn't want to know. They believe that a low score will make them less important or less valuable or prove something negative about themselves. The issue causing this is a lack of pride. And I don't mean arrogance because there is a difference. I mean that we don't take pride in who we are and what we already have, so something as little as a test score can undo us for weeks. Here's what we need to know: we are loved no matter what and our identity is not found in our score. The score can't even truly measure intelligence.

And I know this but sometimes, like on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to believe it.

The narrative that culture tells us is one of taking pride in our achievements, which is all well and good but definitely not all we're supposed to do. We should be taking pride in God's achievements, in what He has given us, what He has created, the gifts He has blessed us with. 

How we do on the SAT or any other standardized test does not define us and shouldn't change the way we live. There are however tests that should change us and define our relationships with others. The trials we go through everyday and the temptations we face are tests. Whether they seem like a pebble in our shoe or an unmovable mountain before us, these trials show us who we are in God and Whose strength we rely upon. 

Everything is a test. A test of our true commitment to Christ. A test of how strong our love for Him is and how much we will let the world and it's trials get to us. We like to imagine that if we were ever persecuted for our faith we would stand strong and speak truth. But when you're having coffee with a friend, does the truth ever come up in your conversation? We admire people like Paul, who, though stoned and left for dead, never denied Christ, yet we allow a fear of rejection to prevent us from speaking the truth. Let's face everyday prepared to pass the tests that are thrown at us, remembering 1st Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." With the tests we face everyday comes the strength that our faithful God gives us to pass them. All we have to do is find our identity in Him. 

I know, I just went from describing my test day to telling you that you can face temptations, what's my point? My point is this: take pride in who you are in Christ and overcome temptations by His strength. I allowed anxiety to plague me for weeks because of how I might measure up to those around me, don't make that mistake. The tests that are actually significant are the ones that test your relationship with God and your reliance on Him. 

The shelter of His presence

My thoughts were everywhere this week, but I kept coming back to one theme. I didn't conclude anything incredibly life changing, no amazing life lesson dawned on me, and I have no words of wisdom for you. All I have are thoughts that kept me awed and captivated all week. Wanting a place to write them, I created this post not with the intent to educate or inspire but rather to ask questions and hopefully make you think. The theme I kept dwelling on is safety. Specifically, safety in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings.

Reading Psalm 17 last Monday night, I came to verse 8, where David is crying out to God for help and writes, "Hide me in the shadow of your wings."

This idea repeats itself multiple times throughout the Old Testament:  


Psalm 91:1 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." 


Psalm 63:7 "For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy." 

Ruth 2:12; "The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!”


This idea of taking shelter in the Lord really caught my attention. I started thinking that we hide behind a lot of things: our job, our hobby, friends, family, fame, grades. None of those things are inherently bad, but when we run to them for escape or to justify something then they simply offer a false sense of security. Maybe we should stop worrying so much about our physical or emotional safety and get a lot more concerned with our spiritual safety. Because if our life isn't hidden in the shelter of the Most High then we should fear something a lot worse than earthly physical pain, or even, death. Not to say that we should throw caution to the winds, but it is safe to say we can't stop bad things from happening to us no matter how careful we are. In light of the recent tragedies our nation has suffered, we can reaffirm that the only true safety is in the shelter of the Most High. 


When you are upset, what's the first thing you do? Unfortunately, I've found myself coping with pain recently in every way except the way I should have. My shelter has been words or physical pain or friends. This week I was reminded that I need to run to God first. When my world is rocked, when stress threatens to pull me under and I feel hopeless, I remind myself that I am safe in the shelter and shadow that God has given me. 


There is comfort and joy in the shadow of His wings. It is amazing to know that we can never flee from His presence. He doesn't just shelter us sometimes, God is always with us to strengthen us and offer peace. It's like we have a little protective bubble surrounding us, guarding our heart, soothing our pain with words of love. We are safe. He is always a safe place for us.

Those were my scattered thoughts, thanks for sticking with me and reading them all. I hope I made you think, I hope I reminded you of the truth of our relationship with God. These ideas have impacted me in the last few weeks so I hope have they have some effect on your life. If you are a child of God, know that no matter what, you are safe, held close in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings.