Tests

6:30 wake up, feet hit the floor and adrenaline courses through me. I try to slow my thoughts down and focus while speeding through getting ready. 15 minute drive to the foreboding brick building where hundreds of kids are already gathered. An anxious wait for instructions and then I'm led to an uncomfortable chair in the center of a room with 25 other kids around me and a thick stack of paper in front of me. My hands slide over and over the calculator and tap out a rhythm on my desk. This prison-like room on the third floor of the foreboding brick high school will be my cell for the next 5 hours, trapping me as I answer each question in front of me. At this point, there is no escape. 

I feared those moments for 6 weeks, dreaded them every time the thought of taking the SAT crossed my mind. 
I knew that the second I entered that building, there was no way out until I completed the test. And this SAT had given me anxiety for 6 weeks.
Not because I'm afraid of the test, I take tests all the time, but because I was terrified of what it would reveal about me. My score wouldn't simply be a 90% or a 65%, they wouldn't give me a letter grade, they wouldn't even just tell me how I did. The SAT compares me to everyone else in that room, everyone else in the US. Soon, the world will know based on my scores whether or not I am actually as smart as I have worked my whole life to be. So for me, studying for this test wasn't about getting a certain score, it was about getting a certain percentile. 

Because knowing and living with the fact that I was below average, or even just average, seemed horrible.

This mindset is destroying people.

Hundreds of people feel just like I felt that morning, like they were about to know things about themselves that they didn't want to know. They believe that a low score will make them less important or less valuable or prove something negative about themselves. The issue causing this is a lack of pride. And I don't mean arrogance because there is a difference. I mean that we don't take pride in who we are and what we already have, so something as little as a test score can undo us for weeks. Here's what we need to know: we are loved no matter what and our identity is not found in our score. The score can't even truly measure intelligence.

And I know this but sometimes, like on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to believe it.

The narrative that culture tells us is one of taking pride in our achievements, which is all well and good but definitely not all we're supposed to do. We should be taking pride in God's achievements, in what He has given us, what He has created, the gifts He has blessed us with. 

How we do on the SAT or any other standardized test does not define us and shouldn't change the way we live. There are however tests that should change us and define our relationships with others. The trials we go through everyday and the temptations we face are tests. Whether they seem like a pebble in our shoe or an unmovable mountain before us, these trials show us who we are in God and Whose strength we rely upon. 

Everything is a test. A test of our true commitment to Christ. A test of how strong our love for Him is and how much we will let the world and it's trials get to us. We like to imagine that if we were ever persecuted for our faith we would stand strong and speak truth. But when you're having coffee with a friend, does the truth ever come up in your conversation? We admire people like Paul, who, though stoned and left for dead, never denied Christ, yet we allow a fear of rejection to prevent us from speaking the truth. Let's face everyday prepared to pass the tests that are thrown at us, remembering 1st Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." With the tests we face everyday comes the strength that our faithful God gives us to pass them. All we have to do is find our identity in Him. 

I know, I just went from describing my test day to telling you that you can face temptations, what's my point? My point is this: take pride in who you are in Christ and overcome temptations by His strength. I allowed anxiety to plague me for weeks because of how I might measure up to those around me, don't make that mistake. The tests that are actually significant are the ones that test your relationship with God and your reliance on Him.