Adding up

I really wanted to write a post for today and I found something I had written while taking a math test last week. Honestly, I can't stand math and I generally end up writing random things instead of working the problems. Like the post on Friday, this one is also short, I hope you like it.

I'm tired.

I can be the paragon of obdurate diligence but I cannot win this war against sorrow. I cannot solve the inequality of my life or factor the equations thrust at me. Numbers swirl around as I stare at the mathematical equation called life. Possible solutions come to mind, none of them seem right. What am I doing? Pretending to be smart may get me through Algebra but not through life.

I'm the impossibility, the only problem on the test with no solution,

I'm tired because emotional days bleed into emotional nights like ink bleeding through pages. Everything in my mind is at war, I'm feeling divided as the pain multiplies. I'm solving for unknown emotions that come without reason. Supposedly math is logical but I prefer words to numbers. I think of everything I've strived for and it simply doesn't add up to perfection, it never will. Subtract the trials from my life and I might be ok but that kind of math can't be done.

Solve for X, plot the Y co-ordinate, write the answer. Maybe I don't have the solution, maybe I'm tired of looking for it. Someone give me a co-ordinate to anchor my life on and then I can plot the course. Write an answer? I'm staring a thousand questions in the face with no formula for finding an answer. My problems add up, my sin multiplies, my soul divided as my tears reach to infinity. But infinite in love He still reaches down to me in my doubt. The wages of sin are death but He paid it all with His life. The pain I feel is only a fraction of the pain He went through when He bore the cross for me. 100% of my sin was paid for by one Man. It doesn't add up. The solution is found in His love, the formula is rather simple: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I will anchor my life on Christ and cling to hope because I know He has already plotted out the course of my life. When the swarm of numbers threatens to overwhelm me I hear the words, "It is finished" and remember the sacrifice that divided the curtain of the temple. When Jesus is applied, my mess of problems is converted into a standard form that yields a simple answer: glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

I'm here

I’m asked, “How are you?”
It’s a familiar question, I give a familiar answer: “I’m here”.
“I figured that”, comes the reply, “I didn’t think I was talking to a ghost.”

A ghost.
My mind clung to that idea, maybe I am a ghost; just a shadow of what I was, an apparition floating around haunting others. I feel empty, drifting through life blown by wind. To those who can’t see me I am a memory and nothing more. Maybe I'm just a whisper in the dark, a voice that can’t be heard, tears that can’t be seen, a soul with no body.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel pain.
I would no longer be hungry for anything, thirsty for what I can’t have, seen for something I’m not. Words would pass through me, commands go over my head, and sins be behind me.
All it takes is giving in to one temptation and I become a ghost.
One temptation. One desire. One guilty pleasure. One moment.
A ghost.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel love.
I would no longer have arms wrapped around me, hands holding me, voices encouraging me, friends supporting me. I wouldn’t hear the prayers for me, wouldn’t see people beside me.
My footsteps wouldn’t be seen, actions would have no impact; only a memory, not a legacy.

To live is Christ.

So I give a familiar answer each time:
“I’m here.” God isn’t done with me yet
“I’m here.” I’m still fighting
“I’m here.” Hear my voice, see my tears, know my soul.
Only a shadow of what I will be, moving through life directed by God, He isn’t done with me.

Fear Itself

Fear is a hard master. It always becomes the master if you let it in, even just a little. It worms its way into our hearts and stays even when we think its not there. It's persuasive, like a snake offering forbidden fruit, we tend to seize it without thinking twice about what we're doing. Supposedly the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So why let it control us now? And yet, it's so hard to identify and resist.
Right now, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm probably not going to get sick, and if I do, I'll probably be ok, right? So why can I not relax? Why am I looking over my shoulder constantly? I've decided I'm scared. I have a theory:
I'm scared of change.

Aren't we all?
Change means instability, instability means we don't have control, control means safety and when see that control disappear....we get scared. That control is always an illusion, but its one we buy into so easily. We create our illusions of security and tell ourselves that we trust God, it's only when our world shatters that we really test that faith. Right now, there is a lot of instability. I definitely thought I was ok though. My family and I are fine, I'm homeschooled so very little of my routine has been interrupted, I'll probably be ok. I'm not scared of right now. So many people have it worse than I do. Yet, fear is a worm that works it's way into our hearts and minds. For a long time I didn't know it was there and once I diagnosed it I couldn't find the cause. But my theory remains: I'm scared of change.

I'm scared that life has interfered and changed my future, the future that I was clinging to and longing for. I'm scared I'll never get to go to prom, never graduate, not get to do what I want this summer, never see some friends again. I'm scared that my plans to graduate college early have been dashed, my dreams shattered, my life.....changed.

So the reason I can't sleep at night? Maybe it's fear. Fear is the thing that makes my breaths come in short gasps, makes the tears stream unendingly, its the thoughts that keep me up at night and the tension that mysteriously bothers me.
But I'm a Christian, so fear can't control me, right? I know how to take every thought captive, how to be anxious for nothing and pray, how to fear God and not man. The issue is, I also know how to run. Run from my problems, run to the wrong things, escape the emotion of fear for a while. And actually engaging in Spiritual warfare? That's a process. It's one step in the right direction at a time, taking things slow and trusting always.
I know all the right answers, I can check all the boxes and I really am trying to.
I'm trying to talk to God more, trying to memorize more, read more, trust more. Trying to ask, "what would Jesus do?" more and then do it. I can't say that I've succeeded very often, but every victory is made through Christ who strengthens me.

This is not your average Christian lecture about why you should stop being afraid and put your trust in God. This is not me berating you for lack of faith or begging you to pray more. This is me telling you that I'm scared. This is me admitting I have no control and asking Him to work through my trying and take control of my life.

Being a Christian doesn't mean you aren't scared. It doesn't mean that you learn to give up control easily nor do you become an expert on trust. Religion is about trying to the right thing even when you don't feel like it and asking God to take care of the rest. It is a process of sanctification that takes a lot of repenting for going in the wrong direction. Christianity means having courage, trusting in spite of fear and continuing on in faith.
Fear is a hard master. When you give it in inch, it takes a mile. Fighting to take back that ground is slow, and it's hopeless without God. I'm not saying you have no reason to be afraid, in fact, now looks like the perfect time to be scared. But I know of a Master who's burden is light and Who's name is Love. Being His bondservant brings joy and peace.
Who is ruling your heart?

His Story

Normally, a story is the culmination of a team’s efforts. It requires years of writing, editing, rewriting, review, and a multitude of editors, publishers, and patience.

Your story is different though. So is mine.

It was written by one Author. An Author Who's pen never wavers, hand never shakes, Who memorized every word before He made it known. My story isn’t just my “10-day story” that I think about constantly, it isn’t my “gymnastics story” that seems really important to me, it isn’t the story of what happened on my 17th birthday or on March 21st, my story is so much bigger than that. It’s being written by God. Really, I just play the role of a character in God’s story, my part is only a page in the much bigger book of history. It starts with being wonderfully and fearfully made, it includes running a race that has been set before me, and I want it to end with the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” The epilogue will contain an eternity of glorifying God and rejoicing to be in His presence. Nothing in my life has been left to chance, every twist and turn was known and the Hero has already conquered the Villain, I have already been saved from the grasp of evil and the rest of my story will reflect that. I’m excited to see the impact it will have on the other characters and even the story as whole. I can see my story being written and I don’t know what the next part will contain, but I’m willing to wait and pray that it points to and glorifies the Author.

History is always His story. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, completely sovereign, everything that happens is known and controlled by God. Wars rage, lives change, sickness spreads, but all of it is just another chapter in His story which will end in all who are saved living, “happily ever after” in a Kingdom where every sorrow is gone. The Hero has never changed. The pen has never wavered. The antagonist has always been the same. Sometimes minor characters come in as villains, but they leave just as quickly. These enemies are seen or unseen but always effect the story only as much as the Author allows. They are sent from the main antagonist and their purpose is to distract our attention from the Hero, even to attempt to thwart His glorious conclusion. The antagonist has already been defeated though, and his doom is sure. Every catastrophe, disaster, and trial only serves to bring the story closer to its predetermined end. These attacks by the enemy also demonstrate the strength of our Savior and draw characters closer to Him.

I know these are trying times. But I cannot wait to tell the stories of this decade to future generations. I’m excited to see what the next chapter for our world will look like and how the Lord is moving to draw His people closer. We will see the resilience of the church, see it play a major role in stepping up to help others. We get to see kindness in the face of selfishness and hope in the midst of panic. Fear and tragedy can push people to Christ. One day, we will get to see how this page in the story plays into the bigger picture. Every crisis ushers in change, and friends, our world is changing fast. I pray that in the midst of this terror we don’t forget how our God is writing His story. So what role will you play? If your name is written in the Book of Life than you will not fear. Your Author knows the conclusion and is making it known, your part is to wait, trust, and pray. Yeah, there is going to be conflict, there will be villains seen and unseen that attempt to bring you down or blind you to the bigger picture, but you have a Hero that died and rose again for you. The conclusion to your story is an eternity of glorifying a perfect God in a home where every tear is wiped away. Waiting faithfully is hard, the ending is worth it though.

Powerful Truth.

Things change in an instant. Emergencies are declared, bombs go off, explosions occur, ships sink, plans are ruined, worlds turned upside down…all in an instant. When we don’t know the right answers and everything feels like its dissolving into chaos, there are truths that remain unchanging. I have nothing else to cling to right now, so I’m clinging to these truths.

WHO HE IS:

Creator, Father, King. Sovereign and eternal. Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last. The commander of hosts of angels. He is Love. A healer. The God of peace and the God of hope. He is my strength when I am weak. Holy. Just. Merciful. A mighty fortress, a strong tower, my rock, and my shield. He is faithful and good. My God loved me enough to send His only Son as a sacrifice for my sins. This Son, Jesus, is the Christ, the Messiah, the Lamb of God. Blameless and perfect. He is Prophet, Priest, and King. My savior, mediator, friend, and shepherd. Jesus is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. Fully God and fully man. He is the One who was beaten, mocked, and falsely accused, the One who wore a crown of thorns for me. The author and perfecter of faith. Immanuel: God with us. Son of the living God who defeated death: the conqueror of sin. Peacemaker, justifier, propitiation. Judge. Everlasting. Unchanging.


WHO I AM:

I am a daughter of the King. Broken. Beautiful. Created. A masterpiece. Loved. Made new. Justified. Blessed. A messenger of hope. A light in the dark. Ambassador to the nations. I have no reason to fear, I have a spirit of power and love and discipline. Adopted. Fully known. Commanded by my King, I live to serve Him. The yoke I bear is easy because I rest in Him. I am the one who can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I am joyful. I am free. I will run my race in faith because He ran His and bore the cross for me. I’m a sinner, a saint, and a sufferer. Alive in Christ. Ambassador. Child. An heir to the Kingdom. Blameless. Redeemed. Bondservant of Christ. My future is known by my God and it is one with hope. I was ransomed by the spotless, perfect Lamb. My soul purchased by His blood. I have been called to a new life. I am forgiven, saved, and healed. A believer. I am chosen. I am His.

These lists are imperfect, but they are a starting point. Our God is a great God and if our identity is in Him then we always have hope. This is who I am and that will never change no matter what chaos hits me next. Who are you?

A Song For Everything

Music is really powerful. It draws us in, captures our attention, and gives us something to cling to. The kind of music we listen to can effect our moods and outlook on life and it has the capability to bring us hope. Country singer Maren Morris wrote a song called, "A Song For Everything" in which she talks about exactly what you would guess from that title. People have written songs about almost every situation and feeling you could imagine. In our rough spots and our happiest moments relatable music can be found. The following songs are ones that I've clung to and repeated constantly in the last two weeks. Most of the lyrics communicate a message I've written about before. Some of the songs aren't necessarily "Christian" music, but they all have an uplifting message. I haven't posted all of the lyrics but I highly recommend you listen to these songs and see what you think. I wrote a little bit about each song, but it's mostly just thoughts that I get from the lyrics. So here you go, a few songs that have really helped me recently.

"Love is a Good Thing" by Andrew Peterson:

It'll wake you up in the middle of the night, it'll take just a little too much.
It'll burn you like a cinder till you're tender to the touch.
It'll chase you down, and swallow you whole, it'll make your blood run hot and cold.
Like a thief in the night it'll steal your soul, and that's a good thing.
Love is a good thing.
It'll follow you down to the ruin of your great divide,
Open the wounds that you tried to hide.
And there in the rubble of the heart that died
You'll find a good thing.
Cause love is a good thing.
Oh love is a good thing.

I have never understood love. Love hurts. Both giving and receiving it is so hard sometimes. But it will change your life, and that's a good thing. Let love into your life, it's worth it.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

This song has gotten me through so much. It's hard to see the trials as a good thing, but God uses it all in our lives to shape us and bless us. Each disappointment, hardship, and trial reveals our desire for what this world can't satisfy and helps us have an eternal perspective. The storms of life should drive us closer to God, and that's a blessing.


"Homecoming Queen" by Kelsea Ballerini

Do people assume
You're always alright?
Been so good at smiling
Most of your life

Does it get hard
To have to play the part?
Nobody's feeling sorry for ya
But what if I told you the world wouldn't end
If you started showing what's under your skin
What if you let 'em all in on the lie?
Even the homecoming queen cries

I skipped some of the lyrics to this song for a reason, but the concept is really powerful. It's easy to get trapped in the role of "homecoming queen" and feel like you have to be perfect all the time. There is good news though: you don't have to be perfect. Let people see what's under your skin and show them the real side of you.

"Costume Party" by Lauren Duski

I've got this closet filled with ways for you to see me
But none of them fit me
And I walk around and play pretend so you'll believe that
I'm who I want to be
But what if I let you see who I am?
And what if I could show my flaws and not be sorry?
'Cause I'm over this whole costume party
And I can't seem to remember what it is I'm so afraid of
But it's all I've ever known
And I'm so tired of worrying about

What they must see if I leave the mask at home

This one basically has the same theme as "Homecoming Queen": Be real. Take off your mask and let people see you. 

"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

This song sums up my week. I keep praying but the storms keep coming, attempting to drown out God's voice of hope in my life. Yet every tear I've cried is held in His hands and He has never left my side through the struggles. He is faithful regardless of how many times I've been faithless. This song contains so much hope.

That's five of the songs that have meant a lot to me recently. Music has power to bring us hope and prepare our heart, use that. There is a song for almost every situation you could be in, every question you've cried out to God, and every high you've ever felt. And when you find those words that impact you, cling to them.

Another attempt at poetry

I tried my hand at poetry again. This first one is written from the perspective of God. I’m calling you:

Oh daughter, 

What have you done?

Never enough to remove my love,

But sin causes you so much pain.

I never wanted this for you. 

Just ask Me, and it will be forgiven

Seek Me, and you will find joy

Walk faithfully, and I will reward.

Oh beloved, 

Why did you run?

You heard My voice and acknowledged Me.

Like Peter, repeatedly you denied Me.

I never left your side, I never will

I have a plan and it will be fulfilled.

This pain? It’s temporary,

I have claimed the victory. 

Oh princess,

Where did you flee?

The lies that you believed said that

You weren’t priceless. Don’t believe them.

I am your King.

I didn't just give you a list of rules, 

Grace and truth armed you. My Spirit filled you.

An army of 10,000 isn’t stronger than

Those that put faith in Me. 

Oh friend,

Won’t you come home?

Bow your head, close your eyes,

Talk to Me. 

How many people have you asked to pray?

And how many prayers have you actually said?

They bend My ear on your behalf,

When I want to hear your voice again.

All around you can see My hand,

Listen close, you will hear My voice.

Daughter, Beloved, Princess, Friend,

I am calling you.

Come to Me. I will give you rest. 

Breathe:

Sitting.
Praying.
Here in the darkness
blinded by terror 

can’t stop shaking.
My words rise rapidly turning in my heart
filling my head churning round and round
spilling out in questions.
Mumbled prayers that don’t go past the walls.
Prayers that hardly pass my lips before
I’m on to the next subject.
Mind spinning fast
spitting worst case situations at me
Everything in crisis mode.
I can’t breathe.

On my knees.
Praying.
Searching for the light. 

Opening my eyes to Christ
When I shake, He holds me tight.
My words are known before I speak
because of God, my heart beats.
He knows it. He knows my thoughts.
The world spins round and round all
because of Him.
Spilling out His son’s blood for me
He showed me love beyond understanding.
The prayers that come in waves are heard
by my Creator. 

The wind that shakes me and steals my breath
it is controlled by Him.
In this storm, He is my shelter.
Even now, I breathe His name
I speak His words
I hear His wisdom.
My worst case scenario is already known
and the reality will be a better situation
then I could have hoped.
Because of Him, I can breathe.

A light at the end

I'm in the dark.
The saying about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not relatable at the moment. The only light I can see is the headlights of the train that is about to hit me, knock me down, and run me over.
But you know what?
I have a Savior that jumped in front of every trial and storm and temptation that would ever hit me. A Messiah that took the stripes on His back and the thorns in His brow for me. And Jesus will be my light and my guide. In Him I have hope.

Storms often blindside us and we occasionally feel like life really sucks. We live in a fallen world and sometimes it can seem like hell. But when you are going through hell, keep going. I like to see the light at the end, I like to be able to plan and know that I will be ok. Maybe you're the same way. Faith isn't about having the answers though. It's more of a trust fall. And I am falling fast. At the last second, even when everything seems hopeless, we are caught by Christ. The power of His truth illuminates our life. So I will take life one day at a time. I will get out of bed in the morning and pray, "Lord, give me the strength to trust you today", I will look for the ways He is moving in my life and see every situation by the light of His truth. Because of what Christ has done for me, I know the big picture will conclude with every tear being wiped away.

The train that is about to hit you is in your life for a reason. Maybe it's because you are relying on seeing the big picture in your life, seeing your plans and your hopes be fulfilled. Maybe it's because you need to take a leap of faith and trust that you will be caught. Maybe you need to close your eyes to your desire for control and see only the light of Christ as He guides your steps. Because He is guiding you, He will catch you, and He has plans that are better for you than you could ever dream. I know I write about hope a lot, but it is an important truth to cling to. Don't give up hope. Read Scriptures, quotes, and whatever else you can that gives you real, true hope. Cling to that with everything you have.

I still don't have the answers, I am still asking God why, what, and how. I am still terrified of the train that I see coming and know will hit me hard. But I have hope. The Savior that jumped in front of death for me will walk beside me through this tunnel. And in His strength, I will make it to the end.

The year in quotes

Last year on Christmas, I got this little quote calendar that had one quote for every day of the year. I read every single one. And out of 365 quotes, I found 12 that I loved enough to put up on my wall as a reminder. I want to share those with you. A little disclaimer before I begin: just because I like the quotes doesn't mean I agree with the general stance of the author. I like these quotes for what they say not who said them.

"If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, then you are an excellent leader." -Dolly Parton

"Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile." -Vince Lombardi

"People buy into the leader before they buy into the vision" -John Maxwell

"Change is the law of the land. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy

"Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others." -Jack Welch

"Example, whether good or bad, has a powerful influence" -George Washington

"As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others." -Bill Gates

"Pessimism never won any battle." -Dwight Eisenhower

"We cannot be reluctant to lead, and you cannot lead from behind." -Condoleezza Rice

"Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Leaders don't create followers, they create more leaders." -Tom Peters

"I never dreamed about success, I worked for it." -Estee Lauder


I hope you guys have a great week! Never forget that no matter who you are or where you are in life, you are loved.

A Powerful Story

Betrayed.

Over and over again he was betrayed. How is it that he still became the most powerful man in the country?

Hurt.

Beyond the pain we can image this man experienced hurt from those around him. How did he still forgive everyone?

Loved.

With the same love you and I are. A love that none of us can escape. A love that transforms the evil in our lives. How could we ever doubt it?

This is the life of Joseph.

His story is well known. Reading it, how could we ever think that God had abandoned us? How could we believe we are alone? How could we question the power of His love for us? You’ve probably heard the story of Joseph told multiple times in different ways. But I encourage you to go read it again. This time when you read it, put yourself in his shoes. See his struggles like your own. Take everything your feeling, and imagine what his emotions are. This powerful story should change us and give us an example of a faithful Christian to model our life after.

It’s found in Genesis 37-46. There are so many things I love about this Bible story, and I want to take a moment to unpack some of them.

I have always wanted to be respected, so I always look at those who I respect and model my life after them. And Joseph is a perfect picture of integrity, of being so respected and trusted that he was given the reins of the country. That’s what I want my life to look like (don’t worry, I’m not aiming for world domination, I just want to live a respectable life). There are a few lessons to be learned here just regarding how we relate to others.

First, hard work is treasured. Everywhere Joseph went, he rose to the top because he worked hard. Look around you. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of people who are actually willing to work hard, especially when no one is watching. Hard work has always and will always stand out to people.

Second, patience pays off. Can you imagine how much patience Joseph had to have? He patiently worked his way up the ladder at Potiphar’s house, patiently stood against temptation, patiently waited for years in the dungeon, even after he helped interpret dreams. He waited. Don’t give up because you never know what is ahead. People will hold you in high regard if you can demonstrate patience.

Third, humility is huge. Some scholars suggest that Joseph was arrogant because he was the favored child, that’s why his siblings were jealous and sold him. If so, humility definitely would have helped him as a child. But later on, his humility kept him from being corrupted by the power he was handed. Lord Acton is famous for saying that, “Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Well, Joseph was handed basically absolute power, and he remained humble. You can’t let good favor get to your head, nobody likes an entitled person.

That’s just the things we can learn about becoming successful/respected. The integrity of this man was amazing. But his hope and faith in the darkest of times is even more inspiring to me. On an emotional level, this is a great story as well.

I think to some extent, we have all experienced betrayal. Joseph went through it so many times. His siblings sold him, his boss put him in jail, his friend forgot to mention his name to Pharaoh for two years. He probably wondered who he could trust, felt like everyone had turned their back on him. People hold a lot of power in our lives. We care about what they think and say and do toward us. They can hurt us very easily and very deeply. Joseph experienced that. So have you. What is your response? Everyone around Joseph saw that he had favor in the Lord’s sight. I believe that means that Joseph praised God for what he was given and reflected Him through his life. He remained a man of God, and people saw that. So when you are faced with people problems or your friends have hurt you deeply, reflect Christ. Stand firm in Him. And you will find favor in His sight.

This story is tied together by a powerful theme: love. God’s never ending, deep, powerful love. God loved Joseph and never left him alone in all the trials. Joseph was completely in the dark. He had no clue that one day he would save Egypt. Life probably felt very hopeless at times. He persevered, but didn’t know where he was headed. Can you relate? Yeah, me too. But what people mean for evil, God works for our good. Because He loves us. And when we are in the dark, He is our light. Joseph knew that. When he stood face to face with his brothers again, it all clicked and he praised God for the outcome. But even when nothing made sense and Joseph couldn’t see the big picture, he praised God. Why? Because he knew that God was faithful, holy, loving, and had a plan.

God is doing something in your life. And I know it’s hard to see it sometimes, I know that life feels pretty hopeless, I know you have felt alone and unloved. But you are a child of the King. Look to people like Joseph and other Christian role models for hope. Then straighten your crown and start living like you are priceless. Because there has never been a day when your God has not loved you and been with you. Like Joseph, you too can persevere.

Blessed, favored, loved, he remained humble. Stuck in prison with no news about his fate, he stayed faithful. Faced with hardships and setbacks, he continued to work hard. When temptation hit hard, he kept his integrity. When those around him meant evil against him, he praised God for His love.

There are only a handful of people with this kind of character. They will be rewarded, here on earth and in heaven. Are you among them?

A new country

For the last week, I have been on my “senior trip” to Europe. A trip is very different than a vacation. Vacations are about relaxing and trips (especially homeschool trips to foreign countries) are about seeing the culture, learning the history, and walking around the city as much as possible. It’s a lot of fun and it provides a lot of new experiences. I thought I’d do something much different this week and just write about some things I’ve learned from travelling. I don’t travel a lot and rarely go out of the U.S., so I’m far from an expert. But I noticed a few things and found some tips to remember for travelling. 


Seek to enjoy every moment. When you’ve just walked for thirty minutes in the freezing cold and gotten lost twice and haven’t eaten all day, it’s really hard to find joy. But I promise, if you look closely you can find it. This applies to everything in life. Trials will hit, it won’t always be a vacation with sunshine and rainbows. And when your feet hurt from moving forward, sometimes it’s easy to see all the negatives and feels impossible to take another step. So find a reason to smile. Think of what God has given you and find joy in that. 


Plan ahead. This should go without saying, but unfortunately it doesn’t always. Research the place/country you’re going and decide what you want to do. Don’t procrastinate!!!! Book a place to stay, learn about the best restaurants, look into the benefits of renting a car or using taxis. Maybe even learn some of the language, because that’s helpful. Also, just fyi, not every country has wall outlets like America…..if you want to charge a phone you may have to bring your own adapter. I figured that out the hard way. 


Always be confident. I’ve talked about confidence before, but it really gives you a lot of power. Confidence will help protect you from swindlers, communicate despite language barriers, and keep you from second guessing everything about your trip. Keep your chin held high and if you’ve made a decision that you believe is right and is the best for you, stick to it. A little confidence goes a long way, in life and in other countries. 


Immerse yourself in the culture. Don’t go to Burger King if you’re in a foreign country, try new things, ask the locals questions and enjoy what their city has to offer. Try new stuff, branch out, and experience as much of the place as you can. While you’re there, you may as well enjoy as much of the culture as you can.


Never judge a book by its cover. Octopus doesn’t look good, neither does shark. But they both taste good! So don’t judge things or people based off what they look like, appearances aren’t everything. People in other places have their own lives and their own struggles, it’s easy to forget that. Since you don’t know what people are going through, never give up an opportunity to share a smile, lend a hand, or spread joy in some way. Bless people even when it looks like they don’t need it. 



We went to Madrid, Burgos, and San Sebastian, Spain. It is a cool country with really nice people. Everything about this trip has reminded me of Proverbs 16:9 “the mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps.” Things rarely go according to plan, we just have to learn to glorify God through all of it and find joy in every moment. 

1 step forward....2 steps back

can you relate to that phrase?
striving, working, longing to move forward only to realize how far backward you've gone? putting all your effort into moving just to feel stuck in a negative cycle? it is frustrating. it is discouraging. and it can make life seem hopeless.

i've been there. i think at some point, we all have.

i'm told that God works all things for the good of those that love Him, but there are times i can't see that. i have too many questions. too many times i have asked "why God?" and waited for an answer that never came. how is this for my good? how does this glorify you? do i not love you enough?

and every time i think i find the answer, my life is shaken again and i'm back where i started. no, i'm further back than when i started.

in the grand scheme of things, maybe i'm moving forward, but when i look back i'm not seeing the progress. just a mess. if life is just this constant fight to move forward that results in this feeling of going backwards, what is my reason for continuing the battle? where do i look for that reason? right now i'm looking back and it's not giving me a reason to move forward. is another day really another victory? or just another opportunity to lose a battle? we are walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and maybe we fear no evil but it is still a hard road. what keeps us going?

have you ever sought answers and just found more questions? questions that make you doubt everything? we know we aren’t supposed to know it all of make sense out of our world or struggles, we know answers wont fix the pain, but we still want to understand. sometimes, we are drowning in too many questions to see the ultimate answer that we already have. we want the big picture, we want to feel like we are moving forward, or at least not moving backwards. that helpless feeling of going nowhere leads to desperation and in desperation we will run to everything and anything for a solution. when God doesn’t give us the solution we want we fill out life with sin that we think will satisfy. then later, we look back at our life and realize that the feeling of moving backward led to actually moving backward. interesting, isn’t it? the mindset of moving backwards results in moving backwards. what if we just trusted? what if we just had faith that we were moving forward and kept trying?

so what keeps me going when every day just feels like another chance at defeat? what is our ultimate answer? God loves us. He has a plan for us. He promises to guide us and walk beside us. and when life seems impossible, we are told we can do all things through Christ. 

instead of letting ourselves feel stuck, lets focus on moving forward and hope that we are making progress. now i’m not advocating for some crazy blind trust fall or insane leap of faith or an unfounded hope that you are ok even if you aren’t. if you are not pursuing Christ, there is a reason you feel like you are moving in the wrong direction. i ask that we use Gods word as a light for our path, that we keep walking the narrow road, trying to make it through the valley of the shadow of death. follow God’s commands even when it feels like you are only going in circles and being drowned with doubts. even the faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains, so let that little faith you have left displace the doubts. keep walking. keep your mind on Christ. keep taking a step forward even when it feels hopeless.

Authors note: That was probably a mess. My apologies for that. My thoughts were scattered this week and it was very busy, I wanted to write though, so here you are. Thanks for sticking around! Love you!

Facing a New Year

We like new stuff. New phones, new deals, new friends, new years. We move on from the old to the new so quickly, forgetting that every new thing will eventually become old. Over time, the initial excitement wears off, the glamour dwindles, the fleeting fascination dissipates, and you're left wondering why this "new" thing was such a big deal and stuck facing what it actually means to you.

Now, we look back at 2019. The excitement, glamour, and fascination of a new year, the year 2019, is gone. What's left? What have you done those 363 days? All of the build up, the anticipation, the parties, the toasts, the resolutions, the countdown and the ball drop, all of that led to this year and now it has faded into distant memory and all that is left is the ups and downs you had during the year. You cannot turn back time so I hope you are leaving 2019 with no regrets. I also hope that you make 2020 different. Don't settle for mediocracy, live your life sold out for Christ. Be motivated and make a change. I hope it's a good year.

There are two reasons we see New Years Day as special: 1. It provides us a good chance to look back and learn from our past year. 2. It gives us an opportunity to plan ahead and start again. What did 2019 really come down to? And what will you make different about 2020?

Let's take this chance to look back, I want to take a moment to go over a few highlights from my blog this year. If you have time, let's take a stroll down memory lane and walk through the highlights of 2019 together.

39 posts

Out of 52 weeks, that isn't too bad. 

Top 5 Posts:

Poetry

Broken. Beautiful.

Being Free

Random Thoughts

Drawing a Line

Top 3 Songs:

Blessings-Laura Story

God Only Knows-For King and Country

Joy-Sleeping at Last

Top 3 Quotes:

"Per Aspera Ad Astra"

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts"-Winston Churchill

"My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us and that as we trust in Him we will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us. And this will be a day that we will remember as a Day of Victory.”-Billy Graham

Top 3 Verses:

Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who lives but Christ lives in me. And this life I live now in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

Psalm 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Philippians 4:6-7, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Top 5 Favorite Words of Wisdom

"Our brokenness results in an openness to God's grace, He fills in our cracks, brings us back together, and creates a vessel so much more beautiful than we could have imagined. Those cracks are no longer something to disguise, rather they are part of our redemption story, part of who we are." Broken. Beautiful.

"We have the freedom to persevere, love in spite of pain, encourage others, and hope when life seems hopeless because we know that one day every tear will be wiped away. Without that freedom, nothing matters. With it, nothing else has to." Being Free

"If you are a child of God, know that no matter what, you are safe, held close in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings." Shelter of His Presence

"What you see in snapshots really isn't someone's real life, we all paint a picture that looks perfect while we hide our pain from the world." Picture Perfect

"When emotions are high and you want something badly that just seems so important, it's easy to forget those other things that should be important to us at all times. What are these things? Family. People. Relationships. Your integrity, honesty, and respectfulness. Love. Those things should never be sacrificed for anything, even breakfast." Some Things are More Important than Breakfast

That is my quick recap. I love writing and I appreciate having a place to put my words and an audience that reads them. Thanks for sticking with me through all the really bad posts and the ok ones.

But the second reason for New Years is just as important. Moving forward, what will you do? Who will you be in 2020?

My hope for you is that you cling to the simple things and pursue what you know is right. Because the idea of having a new year and a new century is exciting, but New Years Day will fade and life goes on as normal. And the daily plodding through life can weaken us step by step before we even know it. In all of that, it can be easy to loose sight of the truth that we cling to and the joy that we have. Sometimes, we forget why we live. Forget why we were made. We know we have hope, but we forget why. This year, keep going back to the truth. Remember why we do everything. You know the Gospel, so don't forget these simple truths.

You have always chosen sin. Chosen the one thing that makes life miserable. And you've suffered because of that sin. Every rejection, every heartbreak, every mask you had to wear and loneliness you felt was because of that choice. You were dead. Separated from God and the love that could heal you and put you back together. But life was not and never will be hopeless. The Son of God left His seat at the right hand of God the Father, was born to a virgin, and lived a perfect life. He did it for you. He faced every sin and temptation. He suffered through cruelty. He never escaped to a mask or let anything come between Him and His Father's glory. Jesus died for you. Died because He loves you. And then He defeated what you never could, He conquered sin and death and rose again to heaven. The gates of Hades cannot stand against Him or anyone that chooses Him. Eternity is in your heart, eternity is offered to you. There is freedom from the pain, and it's found in Christ. He loves you and wants a relationship with you. You were created for His glory and your own great joy. Live like it. Accept Christ and be free, you will find everything you are looking for in that freedom.

Run to those truths. 2020 promises to be full of trials, but if you arm yourself with God's love and surround yourself with His people, it will be a year of great joy. You are loved. You are enough. You are priceless!! Through difficulty, to the stars!!!

Dear readers,

     I genuinely don't know what to say to you today. I had three different rough drafts that I could have posted, but when it came time to edit and format them, they didn't seem right. Its been a rough week and I've struggled with putting my thoughts into neat, categorized, logical words. But this isn't about me, there have been way too many posts about me recently, which I generally try to avoid. I am writing this letter to you because I've been writing a lot of letters recently and maybe it will help get all my random thoughts onto one paper.

     First, how are you? Like, really? When is the last time you stopped and actually thought about what your struggles are, how you are fighting them, and if you are making progress? Trying to go into battle with a dull sword is rather pointless (no pun intended). Check to make sure that you are equipped to fight and win your battles in Christ. Pray. Take a moment to put on the full armor of God. Stop and allow yourself time to actually evaluate your emotions and your relationship with Christ.

     It feels like Christmas sneaks up on us every year now, and it's that time of year again. Great food, shouts of laughter, colorful lights, warm smiles, festive music, lots of friends and family....Tis the season to be jolly, right? For most, it is. And I genuinely hope you're full of joy right now. But trials don't just go away because it's December 25th. There are countless reasons to be happy and have a Merry Christmas, there are also reasons why it's difficult. Friends, I know this can be a hard time. Whether it's because you're missing someone, feeling nostalgic, feeling left out, or are overly stressed, Christmastime can magnify struggles and increase pain. However, it is still a gift. Look for the blessings right in front of you. If you get time off of work, an extra few moments with people you love, or a day to sleep in, then count that as a blessing. Look for the little moments of joy, even if this time, overall, is difficult for you.

     Everywhere you look is a reminder. Every nativity set, every family full of joy, every "Merry Christmas" sign, it is all a reminder of God's work. One of my favorite songs this Christmas is "Hope is Alive", I highly recommend listening to it. Because that's what Christmas means for us. Hope is alive, He came for us, He dwelt among us, and He lived a perfect life so that we didn't have to pay the price for our sin. Rejoice in that. One day, every tear will be wiped away and every trial will cease. All because God incarnate came to a little town called Bethlehem to be born in a manger. That's the significance of the Christmas story, don't undervalue it just because you've heard it a thousand times. Let the love that God showed us impact you every time you see a reminder of it. And right now, every where you look you can see a reminder that hope is alive.

     Lastly, there is a lot to think about right now. We inherently like to understand things and we search for answers. But the big questions in life often just take faith. I'm struggling with that in my own life right now. Philippians talks about "Peace that surpasses all understanding", and so many things in Scripture are like that. The hypostatic union, God living as man....that's beyond understanding. The fact that God, who is king over all and deserves more glory than we could ever give Him, would leave heaven to come to earth...that's beyond understanding. Not only did He leave heaven, but He lived a humble life, facing every temptation, and never sinned...that's beyond understanding. And why? Because He loved sinners. That's a love I will never understand. By God's grace, you are saved. The gift of eternal life is being freely given to you. Throw off your chains because He has set you free. At this point, refusing to accept what Christ died to give you....that's beyond understanding. Continuing to be a slave to sin....that's beyond understanding. Don't reject His love. If you're thinking about giving your life to Christ, please don't wait. He will accept you with His arms wide open and love you for who you are. Have faith that your sins are covered, throw off your chains, and rejoice in Christ.

     I love you all and hope you are doing well. You are priceless, you are loved, you are enough. Have a Merry Christmas!!!

Yours truly,
Elaine

Running on empty

We can only run for so long.

As much as we keep trying, we eventually grow tired and slow down until we stop. But we rarely let ourselves rest enough to really catch our breath. Living can be like driving; your tank of gas only gets you so far. At some point, you have to stop and refuel. I had been running on empty for a long time. If life is a highway, I had been driving it for way too long without slowing down. I had been tearing up the miles, eating up the minutes, speeding ahead and accelerating at every turn. I needed a break but I had reached the point where I forgot how to put the brake on. Pressure kept building but I just shoved it down again. Parts of me were breaking, but I gave them a quick fix and moved on. I blew past speed limits and caution signs always in a hurry to keep moving forward. When I took time to glance at my fuel gauge and realized how low it was, I brushed it aside, I couldnt be bothered to stop. I don’t know if I was chasing the future or escaping the past, maybe both, I just knew I had to keep chasing. The highway of life can be so confusing sometimes and I may not have known where I was going, but I sure was getting there fast.

Sometimes rushing through life like that feels exhilarating, sometimes it's scary, and it's always utterly exhausting.

Like I said though, we can only keep running for so long.

Last week, I stopped running. I had pushed myself to the limit and didn't even realize it until I felt safe, felt like I could stop. Last week I was in Kansas. I got seven days that I didn't have to plan, didn't have to do school, could eat, sleep, and play whenever I wanted to. Seven days where I felt loved and supported. The first three days, I was exhausted and slept a ton. It didn't make any sense why. I wasn't waking up very early or having especially late nights but I always felt worn out. Later though, I understood. For the first time in probably over eight months, I felt safe. And so I crashed. I felt supported, so I stopped escaping. I felt loved, so I stopped chasing. The adrenaline that anxiety gave me disappeared. The depression that drove me to work non-stop was gone. The fear of rejection relinquished its grasp so I didn’t care about keeping an act of perfection. I could finally rest. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, it was an amazing week.

I say all of this to communicate a simple message: Take a break. Stop running on empty and fuel up. Most likely, you need it as badly as I did. Whatever it is you are escaping and whatever you are chasing, you can only keep going for so long. Don’t wait until you break down and get stranded on a highway completely empty. Find a place where you know you are safe, time where you have no pressure, people who will love you regardless of anything you do, and rest. You are priceless. Tomorrow needs you. God wants you to rest in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings. Cast your burden on Him.

Christmas is an excellent time to do this. Finals are over and most of us have a break, time to spend with family. Enjoy it while it lasts and use it to refuel you for whatever is around the next turn in the road. Last year around this time, someone sent me Ecclesiastes 8:15 and it encouraged me to enjoy this season of rest. It says, "So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun." You work hard. Just moving forward is a struggle. So be glad, enjoy the time you have. Psalm 4:8 says, "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety." The Lord keeps you safe, His hand shelters you and He is a rock for you. Have peace in that and allow yourself to rest.

Don't keep running on empty. Slow down, take a break, and breathe. You are held safe in God's hands and He will give you rest.