Fear Itself

Fear is a hard master. It always becomes the master if you let it in, even just a little. It worms its way into our hearts and stays even when we think its not there. It's persuasive, like a snake offering forbidden fruit, we tend to seize it without thinking twice about what we're doing. Supposedly the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So why let it control us now? And yet, it's so hard to identify and resist.
Right now, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm probably not going to get sick, and if I do, I'll probably be ok, right? So why can I not relax? Why am I looking over my shoulder constantly? I've decided I'm scared. I have a theory:
I'm scared of change.

Aren't we all?
Change means instability, instability means we don't have control, control means safety and when see that control disappear....we get scared. That control is always an illusion, but its one we buy into so easily. We create our illusions of security and tell ourselves that we trust God, it's only when our world shatters that we really test that faith. Right now, there is a lot of instability. I definitely thought I was ok though. My family and I are fine, I'm homeschooled so very little of my routine has been interrupted, I'll probably be ok. I'm not scared of right now. So many people have it worse than I do. Yet, fear is a worm that works it's way into our hearts and minds. For a long time I didn't know it was there and once I diagnosed it I couldn't find the cause. But my theory remains: I'm scared of change.

I'm scared that life has interfered and changed my future, the future that I was clinging to and longing for. I'm scared I'll never get to go to prom, never graduate, not get to do what I want this summer, never see some friends again. I'm scared that my plans to graduate college early have been dashed, my dreams shattered, my life.....changed.

So the reason I can't sleep at night? Maybe it's fear. Fear is the thing that makes my breaths come in short gasps, makes the tears stream unendingly, its the thoughts that keep me up at night and the tension that mysteriously bothers me.
But I'm a Christian, so fear can't control me, right? I know how to take every thought captive, how to be anxious for nothing and pray, how to fear God and not man. The issue is, I also know how to run. Run from my problems, run to the wrong things, escape the emotion of fear for a while. And actually engaging in Spiritual warfare? That's a process. It's one step in the right direction at a time, taking things slow and trusting always.
I know all the right answers, I can check all the boxes and I really am trying to.
I'm trying to talk to God more, trying to memorize more, read more, trust more. Trying to ask, "what would Jesus do?" more and then do it. I can't say that I've succeeded very often, but every victory is made through Christ who strengthens me.

This is not your average Christian lecture about why you should stop being afraid and put your trust in God. This is not me berating you for lack of faith or begging you to pray more. This is me telling you that I'm scared. This is me admitting I have no control and asking Him to work through my trying and take control of my life.

Being a Christian doesn't mean you aren't scared. It doesn't mean that you learn to give up control easily nor do you become an expert on trust. Religion is about trying to the right thing even when you don't feel like it and asking God to take care of the rest. It is a process of sanctification that takes a lot of repenting for going in the wrong direction. Christianity means having courage, trusting in spite of fear and continuing on in faith.
Fear is a hard master. When you give it in inch, it takes a mile. Fighting to take back that ground is slow, and it's hopeless without God. I'm not saying you have no reason to be afraid, in fact, now looks like the perfect time to be scared. But I know of a Master who's burden is light and Who's name is Love. Being His bondservant brings joy and peace.
Who is ruling your heart?