What is your reason?

When I was 9 years old, I fell in love with gymnastics. Everything in my life started to become oriented around the gym, every day that I wasn't at practice I was looking forward to it and on the rapidly increasing days that I did have practice, everything in that day was focused on it. I would turn down anything that interfered with my obsession and honestly I was a pain to deal with if I was even 10 minutes late. As I became older, my world became bigger and my struggles more real, so the gym became even more important. It was where everything made sense, my reward for making it through another day, my only social circle, my source of serotonin and peace. With very little in life to live for, gymnastics was my motivation to keep going. 

I explained all of this to a friend one day at a coffee shop a few years later and he nodded and turned to another friend and said "so what's your 'gymnastics'?". 

It's an interesting question, definitely one worth thinking on. What is it that gets you up in the morning? When you're having a really hard day, what do you look forward to? What is it that you always make time for and can't stop talking about? 

At 15, I was coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to let go of gymnastics, I wasn't going to have time for it soon and holding on wasn't going to do me any good. But it had been a central part of everything I did for so long, would I be able to deal with the hole that it left? To be honest, I was rather apprehensive. As an introvert with no social life and a long struggle with depression who dislikes change, I was not excited to let go of what I had allowed to become the center of my world for so long. But 15 year old me also saw it as an opportunity to center my life more around God, to grow in His peace and my trust of His plan for my life. So gymnastics ended and I dedicated myself to knowing and serving God better. 

I started college only a month later. I loved it. I've always been driven and academic so this played to my passions well. In no time, I was taking a full credit load while doing high school, public speaking, and working. I was constantly busy and almost always doing school. I kept up that frenzied pace for a really long time, I did school on Sunday's, holidays, vacations, my birthday, anytime and anywhere I could and I skipped out on any social gathering (even prom) so that I could get more done. Suddenly, school ended and I had summer completely free, the first summer without school that I could ever remember. Now I had time for people, having fun, and miscellaneous things I had said "no" to for so long.

Which was ironic because summer of 2020 contained none of that. Everything locked down. Instead, I had a whole lot of time on my hands that I couldn't do very much with. It was almost as though God had removed all my distractions so that I could dedicate my time to Him and for the first time in my life I actually studied Christianity and deepened my knowledge of my faith. Most days that summer, serving God and knowing Him better was why I got up in the morning. I centered my time around Him and sought His will for my life. As the world was falling apart, God built me up in Him. But life moves on...

Fall saw me jumping back into everything I was passionate about. I dove into work and school, immersing myself in a new environment and filling up every moment of time I had with chasing my dreams. I was consumed with busyness, always focused on the next thing. Mainly, I was driven toward my degree, it was like I was 17 again, giving "I have to do school" as an excuse for everything. I was fairly single minded in my pursuit of what I saw as "success", and in spring, I caught it. I finished my degree and ended my time at two of my jobs. 

Once again, I don't have a "gymnastics". No concrete, worldly reason to get out of bed, nothing material to center my world around. Just like in the summer of 2020, God has removed the distractions and reminded me that He is my reason. He should always be the only reason. But it's so easy to chase other things, to lose focus of what actually motivates us. I grew up in church and was saved at 13, so I knew what my motivation should be, I did consistently go to church and take time to pray, I have grown in my faith and followed what I believe to be His call on my life. But I often found myself chasing the call, not the God who called me. 

C.S Lewis writes that "Thoughts undertaken for God's sake are continued as if they were an end in themselves and then as if our pleasures in thinking were the end. Thus all day long and all the days of our life we are sliding, slipping, falling away". I've found this undeniably true in my life. If I don't fight to reclaim my thoughts for Christ, then what started as an endeavor to please Him becomes an idol to please myself. None of us would really call ourselves an idolater, but if we're honest then we have all found our world off axis at some point because we ceased to be centered around God. Christianity, then, isn't just about doing the Lord's will, it's doing it with our eyes constantly trained on Him. All other hopes, anchors, and pursuits are fleeting. 

My reason for getting another degree isn't just to serve Him with it, it's to serve Him with every moment of that journey and become more dependent on His grace while stewarding what He has given me. I cannot simply work so that I can tithe and not be indebted to others, work must be an act of worship. The means must never become the end. Don't lose focus getting caught up in whatever is "gymnastics" for you. Ask yourself and answer honestly why you spend time doing what you do. Listen to what you talk about, what would your friends say you're obsessed with? When you get up in the morning, why do you do it? When you walk into work, are you more grateful that God provided you with a job and opportunities to love others, or more excited that you get to walk out in a few hours?

When we fall in love with a sport, a degree, an achievement, a family, a person, or any material reason for moving forward, it's very easy for our world to crumble. The war to only be consumed with God's purpose is one that doesn't end on this side of eternity. But it is possible to fight it. And you should not wait until your world crumbles, do not wait until lockdown hits or you can catch your breath or you win your next big award only to realize that it is dust. When you look around and see a hole that used to be filled by a dream, then you've chased your dream too far and lost sight of God's desire for you. Don't wait until you're in a coffee shop and someone asks you "what's your gymnastics?". Because too soon, you'll have to let go. The pattern repeated itself too many times in my life, I saw what God put in front of me, ran after it, and lost sight of God. Again, and again. Your story is probably the same, just with different dreams. Start today and break the pattern. If you are in public speaking, don't do it for the trophy. If you're in school, don't do it for the degree. If you are seeking a relationship, don't do it for the pleasure. If you're a mom, don't do it just for your child or your husband or your own happiness. Do all things for the Lord. 

Find your reason in Christ alone. Be satisfied in God. pursue what He has for you but do it with your eyes on Him. He is your prize. He is the center, the beginning, the end of all things. Let Him be why you wake up in the morning. 

Open Letter

 To those that prayed the prayer,

I know you. You're the one on the pew in front of me, the one that walked into Sunday school just ahead of me, the one whose parents my parents are friends with. If I ask you for your story and you say "well, I prayed the prayer..." then I have an idea of what that means. It means you grew up knowing the answers, calling yourself a Christian, and explaining Christianity to others. It means that when I start a verse you can finish it, you can probably beat me at a sword drill and I'm sure you've been over to the pastor's house. From a very early age you were taught a sinners prayer, you heard it prayed and preached and as you grew older you prayed it too. All the right words. And you genuinely wanted what you were told Jesus offered. But you always doubted if you had it. See, I know you because I've met many of you. But before I met you I knew you because I was you. 

At an early age, I prayed the prayer. Actually- I prayed it repeatedly. In church, in bed, on my knees, in the car, hands folded, arms outstretched, with tears in my eyes- I prayed, and if I wasn't saved then it wasn't for a lack of words. I had asked the Lord to enter my heart, but wasn't sure if it had worked. I just wanted to be sure. I would pray during lightning storms and asked God to verify that I was saved by making a flash of lightning last supernaturally long. I waited for some sign to confirm what I hoped was true- that my prayers weren't just bouncing off the walls.
I watched baptisms with awe at the confidence they had and knew that I wasn't sure enough of my salvation to stand up there and testify to it.
I watched the plate bearing crackers and juice pass by me every 6 weeks because I was afraid I would eat and drink condemnation on myself for my lack of faith.
I had answers but I also had doubts and I had nowhere to turn for assurance. 

So, friend, I want to assure you that I know what it's like. I know the separation you feel from the rest of the church. I know the uncertainty and the longing to know for sure. I know the questions "what if I'm doing something wrong?" "Is God really listening?" and I'm not here to answer all your doubts nor am I here to assure you of your salvation. But can I tell how I found the assurance that I lacked for 17 years? 
I sat down at a church I hadn't been to before and looked around. I saw normal people, people not well off and with a million other things they could be doing, people with no visible reason to be at church, gathered together to worship God. You could see their love for God and one another so clearly. They genuinely had joy and peace- a kind of joy and peace that wasn't fake either. 
Looking around, I wanted to be one of them.
Everyone here was united by one thing- they loved God. That meant that if I loved God I was one of them. And I knew that I loved God, not well, but I knew I wanted to love Him more. Not only that, but I knew I could not even want to love God unless God had placed that desire in me in the first place. 

Let me back up and explain the theology here before I go further: 1. God is a holy God who hates sin and cannot accept it. 2. I am a sinner. 3. Sinners who have not been born again love their sin and therefore hate the God that condemns them for their sin. 4. A sinner of their own volition will not turn to and love a God that hates their sin and will make them hate their sin. 5. Therefore, if I- a sinner- love God and hate sin than that is the work of Christ in me. 

Each of these pieces fell into place and I looked around a second time and knew that I belonged with these people. And everywhere I go, I belong with those who love God. There was no doubt, no room for doubt, no need for doubt, I have not doubted since. My conversion was never an emotional thing, I never got that supernatural sign and didn't ever feel any different. I still don't know when I was actually saved. It doesn't matter. I am saved. For the first time ever, simply knowing the answers was enough. 

So if you've prayed the prayer and you genuinely want to know and love God- maybe that desire isn't your own but the work of Christ in you. Are you spending time doubting your salvation and waiting for lightning to strike instead of living your life certain of the saving work of the cross and in light of eternity with God?

I wondered if I would ever know for sure. Now, I know the joy and peace that comes with knowing for sure and I'm writing this to you because assurance is attainable. God is not a God of confusion, that's satan's work. Scripture tells us that if you call on the name of the Lord will be saved (Romans 10:13) and that if you confess Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead- you are saved (Romans 10:9). It's that simple. Assurance was granted to you by God through the work of His Son. Believe. If you've prayed the prayer, if you've walked Roman's road, you can have the assurance that took me so long to find. 

Sincerely, 

A Daughter of the King

The Storm

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
Ground shakes on a cold brisk night
Wind ripples her hair as into the distances she stares
A storm on its way to change her life
The fear she feels isn’t rare
She has stood here hundreds of times her lungs working too hard for air
Tears beat the raindrops in the race to hit the earth
the struggle for peace is her burden because of sin’s curse
From the earth she came to the earth she will return
Between those times is a world of hurt
She takes another shaken breath
turns her mind to all the things that have happened to her
Memories stirred up like carried away leaves
faster and faster the troubled winds blow the debris
if only she could have a break from her past’s gravity
a moment out of the wind, a chance to breathe
Eyes drop to her feet planted in the dirt
Whole being longing to join it but to death she can’t revert.
Her past puts her emotions in a constant whirl
The rain that now pours down in sheets used to watch her dance in the streets
Now time has gone and she saw hope flee
the girl that had great dreams now can never sleep
Her heart aches with each new beat
Soul searching for a place to be planted but there are too many weeds
Thoughts and thunder grow louder- lightning strikes and she feels the heat
A system of worry, fear, anger- her mind is clouded from longing for relief
all she knows is a lack of peace, a constant dread that her mistakes won’t leave

No one else would choose to stand in a hurricane but this girl has no escape
so she faces the storm and waits for it to break
The storm will break or she will- either one would hurt
But in breaking each time she finds more of what her life is worth
by surviving a tsunami of emotions and pain she begins to find relief
living through these storms provides a rest she at first couldn’t believe
with each rainfall she has become a little more clean
the past slowly loosens its grip and she becomes a little more free
overcoming the trauma in her story took facing it and seeing victory
each storm on its way to change her life
shook her and scared her but began to create strength of a different type
healing is found by confronting her triggers and walking through them each time
troubled eyes full of tears can finally see hope through this fear

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
another storm coming to shape her life
All she could do was remember the other storms she had been inside
and trust that someone would see her walk out the other side. 

Transform

When the merchant found a pearl of great value, he sold everything he had and bought it.
When a little leaven is put in measures of flour, all of it becomes leavened.
A lady touched His cloak, a soldier made a bold statement, a tax collector got convicted- Jesus changed their lives and redeemed their situation powerfully.
When God's people marched around Jericho, the walls fell.
When Pharaoh held the Israelites captive 10 plagues struck his people.
Lazarus was dead and buried, a widow didn't have enough oil, 5,000 were without food- and God moved in a big way.

Our God is a God of transformation. 

The lives that He touches, He changes. The people that choose to follow Him become radically different than the rest of the world. When His love impacts a sinners heart it literally goes from dead to alive and the fruits of the sinners life change from hate to love, selfishness to generosity, pride to humility, immorality to holiness, and desperation to hope. This is radical transformation. This is what I want in my life. 

Every year, the week before New Year's I start thinking about what I want the next year to look like. And I know, New Year's resolutions are notorious for failing and/or backfiring, so I generally don't create them. But I do choose one word that I want to focus on for the next 365 days. The first year it was hope, then trust, then love, and now I've chosen "Transform". I want to live every moment this year becoming more and more like Christ, I want my heart to break for what breaks His and I want to be pressed and molded and shaped into the jar of clay He wants me to be. In many ways, I've already seen this prayer answered. 

Moving to a new state, living with a new family, attending a new church, working new jobs, and making new friends contains a lot of opportunities for transformation. I've seen these outward changes cause at least small shifts in my outlook on and attitude in life. The challenges this year has offered have pushed me to grow in new ways that I am so thankful for. But the year is still young and I have a lot more areas I know I need to change in. There are three specific one's I've been made aware of recently and I'm writing this hoping that you can be encouraged and maybe challenged by how God's power transforms lives. 

1. Gratitude 
As much as the media and news stories tell us differently- right now is a really great time to be alive. Look around! We can travel across the country or across the world very quickly and safely whenever we wish. We are never without a variety of food. We can communicate with anyone at anytime. The church is not persecuted in most of the world, we worship in various churches, and we can easily access books filled with wisdom from other people. The world we live in actually gives us a lot to be thankful for. And I don't know your situation, but personally this is something I've noticed a struggle with. Things like grades, pressure, anxiety, busyness, or drama cloud my vision and if you asked me what I was grateful for the answers would come hesitantly. I'm not trying to make our struggles (or your struggles) less legitimate- life is hard and has a lot of trials, but I am realizing that we don't count our blessings enough. And not only materialistic blessings, but spiritual ones as well. How often do we actually thank God for raising us from the dead? Or bringing our walls down? Or thank Jesus for dying on a cross for us? Luke 17 tells the story of 10 lepers that Jesus passed and commanded to go to a priest to be healed. All 10 diseased people were healed. How many gave thanks? One. I want to be that one. I don't just want the outward transformation, I want to be transformed like the one leper was. Volumes have been written on the importance of gratitude so I'll leave it at this: I pray that the Lord would help me be more grateful and hope you'll join me in returning to God to give thanks often.

2. Humility
C.S. Lewis says that "humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less". 1 Corinthians 13 says that love is not boastful or arrogant. Jonathan Edwards says "Nothing sets a Christian so much out of the devil's reach then humility". If I think about my life honestly, there is a lot of pride. I find myself cherishing or dwelling on the idea of my own importance, in conversations I talk a lot about me and try to drop hints at all the things I've accomplished, and my everyday actions prove that my first priority is often my own comfort and convenience. Pride leads to anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, shallow friendships, and it's gravity prompted satan's fall. Friends, if you know me and witness the pride in my life- call me out. Humility fights to serve other's, humility looks like what Jesus did, and that's what I want my life to look like, so enough about me. 

3. Counting the cost
Sometimes, it looks like Jesus asks us to give up a lot- too much. Anything that does not glorify Him or sanctify us is a weight that must be thrown off. Every impure thought, sketchy movie, addictive pastime, harsh word, laziness, or favorite sin must be fought vehemently. I recently read the following 
definition of sin "Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself" -Susanna Wesley (Mother of John Wesley). Reading this, I realized how much sin I was tolerating in my life simply because it didn't fit a popular image of "sin". And even in the big battles I knew I needed to fight I wasn't really willing to sacrifice the things I wanted. For Jesus, we must give up a lot, there is no doubt. But is it worth it? Yes. No doubt. The things we must throw off are lesser pleasures of the flesh and are nothing compared to the riches of knowing Christ more. I've found myself not willing to truly flee from sin because it was too high a price, not worth the cost. This year, I want to accurately count the cost of following Jesus and genuinely say that I am His at any cost. Sin I've chosen to cling to, pleasures I flee to, people I take refuge in, escapes I find freedom in- all of it is a cost but it's a small price to pay for the salvation I've received, the joy of sanctification, and the hope of glorification. 

My God is a God of transformation and my desire is to see Him transform my life through the new opportunities and people He's given me so that His grace fills me and is evident in my life. These three areas are starting points to focus on and I ask that you join me in considering how Jesus is asking you to change for Him today. We are His workmanship, let Him transform your life to reflect that more each day. 

Splash- A poem

Splash. The rock hit the pond the quiet peace of the lake shattered.
My rock sank to the bottom- gone
irretrievable, heavy, cold- gone
I didn’t turn to grab another one
I stood watching the ripples
seeing them spread before their disturbance was done
and I couldn’t help but wonder-
what if that’s how this war is won?
What if the splash my death makes
Startles someone else awake?
Like a rubber band that snaps and snaps your hand
maybe my death could be someone’s wake up call
snapping them out of their dependence on self
Pushing them to give Christ their all.

Maybe that’s where the thoughts should have stopped
But it's not.
is it too dangerous to even think about these thoughts?
Impacting lives through action on a word that’s forbidden
Swapping my breath for a legacy, my footsteps for echoes
The thoughts continue on honestly and unfiltered

What if my pain starts a conversation
plants a seed and leads to a salvation?
What if the impact of my action changed a life that changed the nation?
Why is it so easy to write so many lines about darkness and hurt
And draw a blank when writing about taking another breath?
These words are my artwork- the talent God’s gifted me with
But all I can paint are landscapes of sorrow
using words that show my lack of care for tomorrow
This life is a masterpiece- the treasure God has blessed me with
But oh how lightly I often take His gift

Slap, slap, slap. The band clicks on repeat on my wrist.
click, click, click, thoughts spin in my head
like a train running on a track
my thoughts run faster and faster- no going back
maybe I’m blowing off steam but hear me out
I’m tired of doing hard things,
I don’t want to be a success story.
Maybe I can be one of those tragic ones
and make people want to not be like me.

To the joy of living I’ve become so numb
what happened to life abundantly?
Peace beyond understanding?
where is the hope that is always unwavering?
Their reality in my mind is fast disappearing

What this life offers is not worth the effort to live
But God doesn’t offer what this world contains
Him giving Jesus was the best gift I could receive
And it’s His promise of joy that I’ll choose to beleive
My contempt for His gift mocks His choice to forgive
This life was bought with blood, it belongs to Him

Adopting thoughts of death is throwing away the thought of my adoption
My life, my every breath, isn’t mine
do I ignore the Creator whose command to put me here was divine?
this mountain in front of me was the hill He created for me to climb
Will I ignore the voice of the Savior that climbed calvary?
He ran the race for the joy of eternity
He won the war so I can fight with certainty
Jesus didn’t take His life, He laid it down
laying down my life today means choosing to climb out
It means letting my salvation in Jesus drown out the doubt
Joy comes in the morning
Life in Him can be lived abundantly
Peace through prayer comes without understanding
Hope in Christ leaves the Christian unwavering
Under the weight of these thoughts my hope is again appearing
Making life in Christ look all the more appealing

Living on can give me a chance to speak these thoughts aloud
to be a breath not a legacy, a footstep not an echo
To impact not just one life but a whole crowd
If your voice feels muted today then I have a reason to shout
You are more than a stone sinking down
You are strong enough to keep fighting despite your doubt
Your next breath makes your story a success
This is your wakeup call- you can make a difference alive
Tear off the shackles and in Christ’s joy abide
Life in God is worth the effort to live
Your existence here is a gift
By a Creator who loves you, you were given time
Don’t throw away the masterpiece painted by the divine

Maybe this is why I was given words that paint sorrow
To remind you that there is always hope for tomorrow
With my time I will choose to start the conversation
Paint the landscape of pain to give depression an explanation
And when I run out of words about wanting to live
I will write books about why you should take your next breath
Your life and mine was bought with our Savior’s death
In His sacrifice we find our wake up call
So use the life He’s given you to give Jesus your all.

A Preview

 I have a lot of ideas and a lot of words that I want to write, unfortunately I don't have a lot of time to write them. Since I wasn't able to finish any one thing for a post (this week or last week) I'm going to post snippets of things I'm currently writing and hope to finish at some point when the world isn't this crazy. If you have a favorite, let me know and I'll try to finish that one first. This preview will only be up for a little while but I wanted to let everyone know I am still writing and do hope to post again soon. 

Questions:

Depressions asks why

Why won’t this hurt stop?
a dull pain you can’t explain
A hot knife in your chest
sharp pangs of sorrow like something’s broken.
it only increases with every sob, with every breath
you don’t know how to say it so your brokenness remains unspoken
under this weight words seem hopeless
they say “it will be alright, you’ll make it through”
but what if it’s too much?
what if I don’t want to.


Depression asks why
Why alive? Why hopeful? Why out of bed? Why loved?
depression nails these questions into our head.
fight for the answers you know, friend
fight for the truth until the end
daylight always breaks through the tears of night
it is finished was the cry that finished the fight.

Anxiety asks how.

How am I supposed to do all of this?
It keeps piling up till I’m drowning in tasks and to do lists
fighting to keep afloat but I can’t for much longer.
If only these cares belonged to someone stronger.

The Storm

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
Ground shakes on a cold brisk night
Wind ripples her hair as into the distances she stares
A storm on its way to change her life
The fear she feels isn’t rare
She has stood here hundreds of times her lungs working too hard for air
Tears beat the raindrops in the race to hit the earth
From the earth she came to the earth she will return
Between those times is a world of hurt
She takes another shaken breath
turns her mind to all the things that have happened to her
Memories stirred up like carried away leaves
Eyes drop to her feet planted in the dirt
Whole being longs to join it but to death she can’t revert.
Her past puts her emotions in a constant whirl
The rain that now pours down in sheets used to watch her dance in the streets
Now time has gone and she saw hope flee
Heart aches with each new beat
Soul searching for a place to be planted but there are too many weeds
Thoughts and thunder grow louder- lightning strikes and she feels the heat
A system of worry, fear, anger- her mind is clouded from longing for relief

One Day

Just one day
freezing snow falling
my world melting
warming cold hands
God is great

Fade

Like the day into a night that lasts forever
like the night into a day that I don’t want to live
the sunset on the horizon
the joy of dancing with friends
the lyrics of a good song
all fade.
Fade like my grasp on truth
my grasp on my Fathers hand
what would it be like to just fade away?
not suddenly gone, but here one moment
and not the next.
thoughts fading into black oblivion
deeper than the ocean

Splash

Splash. The rock hit the pond
the quiet peace of the lake shattered.
My rock sank to the bottom- gone
irretrievable, heavy, cold-gone
I didn’t turn to grab another one
I stood watching the ripples
seeing them spread before their disturbance was done
and I couldn’t help but wonder-
what if that how this war is won?
What if the splash my death makes
Startles someone else awake?
Like a rubber band that snaps and snaps your hand
maybe my death could be someone's wake up call
snapping them out of their dependence on self
Pushing them to give Christ their all.

Those are my current projects. Let me know if you have a favorite, I can't wait to finish something and actually publish it but this is all you get for now. Thanks for reading! Hope you have a great week and never stop seeking Christ. 

A February Prayer

 Dear Father, 

If I know You are enough, why do I still want more? Your mercy toward me is unexplainable, so is the pain that I feel right now. The confusion in my brain drowns out my gratitude, tears me up inside and makes my emotions a hurricane. You calmed the storm so why does this wind still push hard enough to knock me over? Every wave that You walked on still towers above my head. Lord, I am in over my head.
Hands outstretched, reaching for help, I want what You offer- You promise to give grace to the humble, Father I don't think I can get any lower. You promise peace to those that trust You, I took a leap of faith and now am in a perpetual trust fall but the peace feels out of reach. You promise hope but the only anchor I seem to cling to is the sorrow that pulls me deeper and deeper and deeper, it's the steady presence in my life. God I know You're here but the pain feels more real. It feels more powerful.
My words towards others are about as honest as the conversations I've had with You recently. Do You read the words I write and take them as prayers acceptable in Your sight? Because when I look back at what I read I see Your hand in my life but when I try to pray You feel so distant. If You are near to the brokenhearted than are You sitting next to me? If You whisper in the storm than am I just deaf to the words You say?
I'm told not having answers is ok because than I'll start asking the right questions but if questioning You is wrong than where do I go with the doubts that I have? Father, You sent Your Son to die for me. I can repeat the truths of Your blessings toward me over and over and over again, but they still don't sink in. The emotions swarm and I can put it all in rhymes and metaphors but I can't overcome them no matter how hard I try, do I just stop trying? That never works Lord, You know I stay in bed all day if I do that. Is this too many questions?
Look, I have the answers You gave me in Your words but they don't take away the pain that I feel when I close the book.
People try to help but I don't want to be a project. I have a support system but I've run out of friends, I didn't mean to turn only to them. I still trust You, I just took a break from actively trusting You. People are in my life for a reason, You put them there to bless me, why do I just hurt them? Why do I choose their perceptions over Your love? Now I find myself alone because I can't just repeat to them the same problems and sound like a broken record, for the record that makes me feel broken and makes them feel like they have to fix me. Lord, I want to be fixed but people just use temporary glue and then break me further. They tell me to use the ACTS model of prayer so that I don't just repeat the same things over and over, I end up repeating things just the same but here let me try again:

Adoration: You, oh Lord, are holy, holy, holy. Your name is worthy to be praised and all creation bows a knee to You. Your grace and lovingkindness toward me are overwhelming and immeasurable. Every second is known to You before it takes place and I know You control my now. 
Confession: Father, I am the sheep that constantly goes astray, unworthy to be called Your servant. Even today I've denied You like Peter, I've betrayed You like Judas, I've run from You like Jonah. I confess my weakness and my need for You, would You forgive me and blot out my transgressions? Wash me white as snow in the blood of Your Son. 
Thanksgiving: The blessings You've given me surround me day and night. Every breath of air is a gift even when I don't want to breathe it. Every conversation, every friend, every new day is an act of Your mercy. Thank You, God. 
Supplication: Father, help me to breathe and want to breathe. Clear this smoke and give me clarity. There's pain but You know what hurt feels like. You watched Your Son get crushed for me, get crushed by me, and You did it because You loved me. Remind me of that today. Lead me, bless me, strengthen me. Be my strength. 

Father, I mean no disrespect, I mean only to feel close to You again. These walls are tired of hearing my voice, I'm tired of hearing my pleas bounce back to me from them, are You tired too? Tired of me asking these questions? Tired of my hypocrisy? Maybe that's just me. You are the God that never sleeps, You know all, see all, and are always working. If You sent Your only Son to die for me than You've never rejected a prayer or tired of me. Thanks for always listening even though I rarely do. Thank You for blessing me beyond what I can believe. Help me to see You in this darkness, to follow You and know You more every day. I trust You to see me through this pain, walk beside me in this valley and in Your name I'll see a victory. I pray these things in Your name and in the power of Your Son's blood. 
Amen. 

Shake

 Shake-

Shake a hand, fake a smile, make a friend.
Friends ask “are you okay, can I pray” but no.
“No”, shake your head no, no prayer request, no sign of you about to break,
break like a phone dropped on street, like your voice with every new person you meet.
Meet them all, wave like you know them all, pretend you’re strong enough, don’t make that phone call
Call, answer their call, pick up the phone and make your voice bright, make everything light.
Light is for those walking in Christ but with every breath your faith shakes,
shake under the weight, a hundred thousand pounds on your back.
Back to where you were a lifetime ago, one step forward and two in reverse.
Reverse time in your mind to when fear didn’t make you shake.
Shake off the pain, the doubt, the hurt, hide it in a closet with the sin that’s been hidden for so long.
Long to shake it all off like a Taylor Swift song,
songs play on repeat in your head, their fast beat keeps you out of bed and on the move.
Move into a room and your hands shake,
shake their hand, shake your head "no", shake it off… STOP

Stop living that script.
Shake their perceptions of you like an earthquake that shatters their world of perfection they’ve put you in.
Shake a hand and tell them you’re not brave.
Brave a hug, hug someone tight until your breath doesn’t shake, request an honest prayer today.
Today, walk with Christ and He will show you the light.
Light is for you- you anxious and scared and hurting and….unshaken.
Unshaken and unshakable- that is your name,
name Jesus as King and you have for your soul a forever anchor.
Anchors don’t move under the weight of your doubt,
doubt turns to belief when you take it before your King.
Kings, judges, people, parents, jerks, friends, their heart is a stream of water in His hand.
Hand everything to Him, yes be honest! He doesn’t care that your voice shakes,
shake the gates of heaven and cry out with what shakes your soul.
Souls like yours were granted access to God’s throne so at His feet take a seat.
Seat no other desire in your heart but to know Him better.
Better is He than all the fool’s gold that causes you anxiety.
Anxiety must always bow a knee before the voice of our King.
King, Christ, Creator, Savior, at His command what makes you quake shakes loose it’s grip and you can throw off its chains and stand firm without shaking.

Turn

Turn-
Turned away from Christ.
Turned to busyness, turned to a screen, to a drink, to a knife.
Turn- turned off my brain, my conscious, tried to stop God from speaking. Turn off the pain, tune out the hurt. I thought the darkness would never turn to light, I almost turned right at the stop light, turned to the bridge, turned off this biological machine.
Only God’s power can turn this life into a lighthouse, the tears into laughter, the pain to hope and the fear to peace.
Turn- how the tables turned, control was never mine but its illusion shattered.
Turn- where do I turn? Nowhere to go, my turn to be struck on the road to Damascus. My turn to have scales removed from my eyes by a servant of the Lord. Turned to the pages of 1st Peter, took a turn suffering, turned back to Christ who turned my heart and my life inside out. He gave me people to turn to- in a coffee shop, a phone call, a church office, an adopted family.
I couldn’t see the situation turning out for the better until months later when I turned around to look. Screens, drinks, knives turned to prayers, people, papers of words expressing my pain and joy. Church was no longer a cold palace of walls and fake smiles, it turned from a stranger to an open family My turn came to tell my testimony, to show the church I had turned to God alone. A crumbling tower of independence turned into a tree dependent on streams of living water.
The world kept turning and I turned 18, a time that was never supposed to come for me came and I didn’t turn my car off until I found myself in a completely new situation. Now every day my heart turns in my chest, fear churns in my heart. But it's time to take up the cross, step out in faith, drink the cup just as as my Savior in the garden did taking His cross so I in turn could carry mine. Depression turned into anxiety, hope of a new start turned to fear of failure. Again, my Shephard turned my eyes back to Him. He turned people out of their way so they could reach into my life. 

I turned from a captive to my thoughts to again taking every thought captive and turning them into words of praise for the God who is good. I turn off the panic, turn from my fear, my phone, my frenzy. New challenges, new opportunities, new people everywhere I turn- my Shield, Rock, and Salvation- my God- will never turn His face from me. Satan never turns off the attacks but the prayers of the suffering turn God’s ear and He turns His hand as He whispers “I am still here”. 

Friend- turn to God even when all seems hopelessly lost. Be still, know He is God. Turning now to service of others, prayer without ceasing, loving, seeking the hurting. 

The twists and turns of my life brought me here safe in the open arms of God’s grace and joyfully embraced by His people.

One more meal

What do you say when you sit down to eat for the last time with the people you've grown closest with for the last 3 years? How do you tell them you love them? How does one say goodbye? Do you even ruin the moment by reminding them you're dying or do you just ignore it?
If you knew your every action and word was being recorded for posterity, would that change what you do?  

1 night. 1 meal. 1 group of people that you love and are very close with. 

Jesus washed their feet. 
It's interesting that out of the four Gospels, only John mentions that, in the middle of supper, Jesus kneels and performs this menial task. Yet this one act paints one of the clearest pictures of Jesus’ character. Sometimes it's easy to forget that Jesus was human too, He had real emotions, desires, friends, tears, joy. His actions are so out of the ordinary that we tend to assume He wasn’t at all ordinary. God was a man. He lived among men and He ate His last meal with men who expected Him to act like a normal man. And most normal men would have done something normal on their last night alive. Actually, I doubt any of us would do what He did. See, I would have written a speech. You know, something powerful, persuasive, moving, and very focused on me and why I matter and should be remembered. I probably would have listed all the great moments we had all had together, told them about the times I worked miracles and they weren't even watching, reminded them that I loved them and instructed them to keep spreading my legacy around the world. I would have made my last moments great. Jesus made His last moments humble. Knowing He was going to die the next day and these were some of His last moments with His disciples and friends, he didn't do what most humans would have done.
Actions speak louder than words. 
Two of the people around the table were going to betray Him. All of them had at one point doubted Him. They had been together through some rough times, He'd seen them at their worst. These disciples had been consumed with petty things, interested in glory, full of pesky questions, and they were sinners. Jesus never sinned. In every way that seems to matter to us, Jesus was above them. He loved them anyway. He didn't just say it, He did it. Love is an action, so Jesus dressed as a servant, lowered Himself to His knees, and washed their feet. 

The shock Peter expressed was felt around the room. 

Who was this man who claimed to be the Son of God, had become the beacon of their hope, and now submitted them to the awkwardness of cleaning the dirt from feet? Expectations were shattered.
"Do you understand what I have done to you?" Jesus asks. No one did. Very few people today understand either. We think that to imitate Jesus we just have to pray more, or maybe harder. For us, loving others looks like explaining the meaning of the hypostatic union or argue out our opinion on predestination. Maybe being Jesus for you means tithing, evangelizing, going to church, or visiting nursing homes. 
That's what everyone expects you to do.  
That's normal. 
Being Jesus means doing what no one expects. Be Jesus- get down on your knees and love. 
The King, Son of God, Holy of Holies, Lord of all, the Spoken Word, Logos, our Savior Jesus was about to die. He came to love, He lived to serve, He died to save. In doing so, He flipped the script and rewrote what it looked like to be a great human. No speech, no partying, no prolonged hugs or pity party, nothing we would expect from a dying man. When He finishes washing the feet of mere men He says, "I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you". His example was to do the unexpected. His example was humility. This image of serving is what it means to be Jesus to the world around us.

We don't understand what Jesus did, if we did we would always be shattering expectations. It's too awkward for us to actually see washing people's feet as an example of what we should do every day. So we look at the Last Supper foot-washing as a symbolic ritual that Christ did, something we don't have to repeat. We ignore the call on our life to do menial acts of service for the people that scorn us, betray us, or just annoy us. Instead, we pretend to imitate Christ by doing exactly what everyone expects us to do. Being Jesus doesn't mean allowing ourselves to get trapped in a box or trend of "Christianity".

What does the world expect from you? Humble yourself and do something greater. Today, take Jesus literally. Follow the example that He used His last meal to set for you. Step outside of your given role, lower yourself and do the unexpected. The people around you need Jesus, be Jesus for them. Serve them. Shock them. If you only had one more meal, what could be more powerful than to follow the example of our Lord?

Eighteen.

6,570 days ago, I was born.

I don't know why.
I don't know why God chose to give my parents twins, why I was born second, why I was given the brain that I have and the situation I was placed in. All I know now is that I have somehow made it 18 years on this planet and God has a plan for my future that will bring me joy and Him glory. Each year I try to write something about turning a new age or about the year before.
365 days ago I turned 17 and wrote about how the next year would be focused on love. I could have never predicted the roller coaster that would follow an amazing birthday. People this year were amazing, I don't know where I would be without the incredible love I've been shown. Now I'm another year older but this birthday is supposed to be a bigger milestone because I'm legally an adult now. Sounds scary but honestly it feels normal. Age is just a number, experience and responsibility is, in many ways, what makes someone an adult. I started seeing myself as an adult shortly after I turned 16, I grew up too fast and don't really remember ever feeling like a kid after that. Now it's official though, the parties were thrown, the cards arrived in the mail, the sun dawned on the morning of Dec 6 and I became an adult. These last few years, I've felt so grown up, but, on my 18th birthday I started reflecting on how young I really was. 
I'm young. Only 18. Still a kid, still fighting to hold on to basic childlike faith. I'm the same girl that wrote about hope. The same one that dropped all her speech props on the floor. The one that stood shaking at awards after her first debate finals. I'm the hypocrite that gave the speech on hypocrisy. Yes, I'm the 15 year old that drove the car into the garage door and I'm the coach whose kids had to say goodbye just a few days ago.  But I also get a new start. Same past, same person, same personality, but dropped into the middle of a whole new world with new responsibilities and freedoms. A new car, a new phone, a new job, a new home, a new church, new plans, books, people, chances, and opportunities. I still have so much to learn, I have so far to go, but (maybe for the first time) I'm genuinely excited and very hopeful for what the future will hold. When asked what one goal would be for my 19th year year alive my first thought was this: I want to see Jesus use my words to change and impact lives even more this year. 
Every moment of these 18 years has been divinely orchestrated to create where and who I am now. I am who I am because of the God who controlled my past and controls my future. I want to give it all back to Him, I want to pour out on others like I have been poured into this year. I'm still so young but legally an adult, I have freedom and responsibility, a heavy, powerful past and an exciting, open future. I want to use all of that to bring others closer to Christ. 

I still don't know why I was born or how I got to where I am now, this is not the life I could have ever planned for myself. But God, who is rich in mercy, moved all the pieces into place and by His providence gave me a 19th year to live for His glory and my joy, and I'm excited. 

"Time is on the run so don't chase it"- Young, Jon Robert Hall

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound"- Isaiah 61:1

Another Thanksgiving- Praise the Lord!

 2020 is a good year to be thankful in.

When have we ever needed a whole day to count our blessings more than we do this year? Isn't it a blessing that despite the chaos we've been through the world still spins and Thanksgiving still comes around? Maybe it seems like your world has fallen apart, and yet it's held together enough that, in some form, you get to celebrate what God has done for you. I hope you get to spend today with your family, making memories and eating all you can and then some. For those of you that don't get that "ideal Thanksgiving" this year, I pray that you still celebrate Thanksgiving in some way and remember what God has done this year. 

I went back and read my last two Thanksgiving posts and realized that there's really not much new that I can add to the conversation, last year's list of things I was thankful for is hard to top, it was such a great year. I bet we all feel that way. But even if it seems short, I think a list of things we're thankful for in 2020 is still really important to make. So here's my list and I ask you to make your own list today in remembrance of the blessings that come with the storms. 

I'm thankful for:
Family, God gave me more family this year than I could have thought possible. 
People that know me well and somehow love me anyway. 
A story that is powerful, painful, and full of hope that I can share with others.
A hallway that taught me what it meant to trust God with everything- even the past.
Coffee- Do I put this on every list I make? 
Long drives. I've driven a lot this year, a 3 hour trip along the coast, Sunday drives late at night, a ride up to OK, plus countless drives to work, I'm so thankful for every memory that driving has given me.
How covid-19 taught me what was really important in life and forced me to be patient and wait for God.
The countless blessings that I received because of the difficulties that covid-19 brought on America. 
How I've seen God work in world through covid-19.
Phone calls. Enough said. 
The words, "I love you 3,000"
Little kids, they're such a joy and their laugh is infectious. 
3am letters. Sometimes you think most clearly when you really wish your brain would just shut off for a few hours. 
A clean room, I never appreciated it before but now I kinda like it.
New music. Yes, I'm a Troye Sivan and Ben Rector fan now.
Hamilton. 2020 is made so much better by Hamilton, I relate so hard to it and am very obsessed. 
Words. Writing is powerful, reading is powerful. I read so many books this year and wrote thousands upon thousands of words. I love words.
Leadership opportunities. 
Mentors. Where would I be without them?
Sisters. 
A year of growth, love, hurt, healing, forgiveness, trust, patience, and God's unending faithfulness that I will never forget.

That's my list for this year but it's certainly not exhaustive. I praise the Lord for what He has given me this year and regret not being more thankful throughout the year.
Thanksgiving is an expression of gratitude, so today I ask that you choose not only to be thankful but to express that to others. Tell at least 5 people that you're thankful for them. Make a list of things you're grateful for. Share stories of God's blessings with others. Don't miss this chance to express your thankfulness, that's what today is all about. On that note, thank you. Thank you for reading this and whatever other posts I've written. Thanks for being you and never forget that you are a blessing to me and to others. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

First Dance

The First Dance- An image of the true love we find when we run to Christ. It's dancing with the greatest joy that we can't even explain. 

The light was dim
her face was shining
the floor was wood
the room was silent
words only she heard
spun in her head
 a stone heart melted
 the world was just her and Him.

A relationship was written in stone,
her name written in the book of life.
Back and forth was the exchange
quiet words between the two.
music played while heaven sang
radiant she reflected him.
Of the oldest force a picture was made
it was a love story as old as time
when through faith His love was displayed
it was a night of union
with the only one who could satisfy
she said yes to life
and it was her heart’s first dance

Life moved fast
in a whirlwind of change
from the chains that held her she was free at last.
she destroyed every cage, burnt her ships
He and her never parted
His name never left her lips.
It wasn’t just joy it was happiness too
perfect peace and comfort,
in Him she was satisfied.
they say it never lasts but she hoped it would
Finally it began to fade,
trials of life ruined the honeymoon faze.
time took its toll, simple truth seemed dim
the whirlwind became a hurricane and she forgot
that the only one who could calm the storm was Him.
happiness was distant, she no longer danced
her heart was a mess
so one night she ran
from the arms of her first love.

The night was dark
her soul was broken
the bridge was tall
the street was loud
thoughts she had
clashed in her head
her heart was stone
the world was frozen

From the depth of pain
she heard His voice again
“Peace, be still”
simple truths broke through
“I love you now, I always will”
And there as her tears fell at Calvary
her heart finally danced again before her king
the arms that caught her caught her by surprise
she looked up and saw the cross,
saw the pain of the Crucified
the love on His face.
Once again she knew who she was
only and always His bride.

Through life they went,
the two of them
growing together as He led
He always faithful, she always weak
yet always remembering the first dance.
looking ahead in the future she saw
one day when even that memory would fade
and they would again dance as all watched in awe.
We all wait for that day.

The morning light
the bride dressed in white
the gates are pearl
the trumpets sound.
voices raised for all to hear
the whole world watches her and Him.

On that day the bride will be,
presented spotless before the King.
a time of no pain
a day of union
the pair are announced,
the church is His,
He is hers,
heaven is open and joy complete.
of life ruining this moment there is no chance
with all of eternity before them,
it will be one unending first dance.

wait

The voice whispers in my ear exactly what I want it to, saying “hurry, take it now, the door is open just walk through it. Go, go, go, this is everything you wanted, everything you prayed for. Walk in wisdom and stop refusing to except this blessing before you, what are you waiting for?”

Emotions compel me to just move, stop overthinking and do what I know I want. The voice that whispers persists urgently, sounding like an angel. But it isn’t what it seems. When it’s mask is removed you’ll see it’s wings are torn and what’s left of it’s halo is black. You’ll stare haste full in the face and find that it wasn’t what it promised to be. It looks a lot more like an angel condemned to burn in fire with Satan along with others sentenced to the same fate in Mathew 25. Impatience sets a fire in our souls that is so tempting all we want to do is rush ahead. Yet when haste says "go" wisdom says "wait".

Wait.

I've come to strongly dislike that word. Patience is my weakness, slowing down is not my pace. Yet this last year has been full of that command.

Don’t find your own way of escape, wait for God. Don’t do anything stupid, just wait for His timing. Don’t rush into anything, wait for the right person and time. Don’t be impatient to leave, just wait. But every moment I wait the waiting gets harder. Maybe tomorrow all these thoughts will disappear and I’ll feel good again, loved, even hopeful. But what do I do when I hit rock bottom again next week and the cycle repeats? What do I do when the answers I know aren’t enough for the questions I have? When the memories of joy don’t justify the nights of pain?

In answer I hear my Father say, “come to me, follow me” and I try but my feet won’t move another step. When the emotional exhaustion leaves me frozen and numb, when the night feels too long, when all I have is empty prayers and cynical impatience, that’s when He is closest. He doesn’t shout over the noise of the storm, He leans down and whispers in my ear.

At 15 I wrote these words,
“maybe there is a beauty here
in the depth.
dark blue sadness,
like water surrounding me,
making me appreciate its color.
feeling the waves wash me clean.
there is a strange peace,
knowing He holds the oceans in His hands.
He holds me in His hands.
when the current tries to move me,
He is an anchor for my soul.
never have I felt this close
to the One that created me.”

I acknowledged then what I know to be true now: that the depth of sorrow makes me feel closer to the Man of Sorrows. That in the eerie silence of the valley of the shadow of death I can hear His voice better. So I will wait on the God who promises to renew my strength. 

Life is more complicated than politics, it’s a game of chess with words as pawns. You have to think and think ahead, strategize and reconsider and just when you think you’ve got it right a wrench is thrown in the knowledge you thought you had and you rework the scenario repeatedly in your brain just wishing you had waited a little longer. 

Time and truth go hand in hand; time will tell the truth about the wisest path in front of you.

When everything you want is right there for the taking, wait. When everything you hate is around you and you just want to run, wait. When pain seems overwhelming and you want to escape, wait. When you are enjoying a perfect moment with friends but doubt starts to creep in and confusion begins to bubble up, make it wait.

To abide in God is to pray first, to know God is to trust His timing, to imitate Him is to be logical in our thinking. Wait. Wait for the Lord. Wait for His timing. Be still and know. Say no to the temptation that haste whispers in your ear and choose the wisdom of waiting on God's timing. It's worth it. 

Dear Readers,

There hasn’t been a lot of new material lately, this post is to explain why. 
Maybe I’ve run out of things to say for now, or at least run out of time to say them. Between school, work, and coaching public speaking there hasn’t been a lot of time for writing. When I can write, it’s nothing original, catchy, or inspiring whatsoever. I haven’t been passionate enough about any new topic to actually create a post on it. While this doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop blogging, it does mean that I’m not going to try to post regularly anymore. I used to write every week, then it dropped to every two weeks, and now I’m struggling to post at all and I’ve seen a decrease in the quality of my writing. I really miss writing and posting each week but it’s just not realistic right now. Every time I brainstorm topics I find myself repeating the themes I’ve already written about time and time again and don’t want to post repetitive material. I’m thankful to all of you who continue to read what I do post, I hope you’ll stick around for future posts (rare though they may be) and I pray you’re blessed by them. If you happen to have any topics for me to write about or any ideas for me to consider I would love to hear them. I will write and post when I can between the craziness of everything else in life.

Blessings!

-Elaine