A February Prayer

 Dear Father, 

If I know You are enough, why do I still want more? Your mercy toward me is unexplainable, so is the pain that I feel right now. The confusion in my brain drowns out my gratitude, tears me up inside and makes my emotions a hurricane. You calmed the storm so why does this wind still push hard enough to knock me over? Every wave that You walked on still towers above my head. Lord, I am in over my head.
Hands outstretched, reaching for help, I want what You offer- You promise to give grace to the humble, Father I don't think I can get any lower. You promise peace to those that trust You, I took a leap of faith and now am in a perpetual trust fall but the peace feels out of reach. You promise hope but the only anchor I seem to cling to is the sorrow that pulls me deeper and deeper and deeper, it's the steady presence in my life. God I know You're here but the pain feels more real. It feels more powerful.
My words towards others are about as honest as the conversations I've had with You recently. Do You read the words I write and take them as prayers acceptable in Your sight? Because when I look back at what I read I see Your hand in my life but when I try to pray You feel so distant. If You are near to the brokenhearted than are You sitting next to me? If You whisper in the storm than am I just deaf to the words You say?
I'm told not having answers is ok because than I'll start asking the right questions but if questioning You is wrong than where do I go with the doubts that I have? Father, You sent Your Son to die for me. I can repeat the truths of Your blessings toward me over and over and over again, but they still don't sink in. The emotions swarm and I can put it all in rhymes and metaphors but I can't overcome them no matter how hard I try, do I just stop trying? That never works Lord, You know I stay in bed all day if I do that. Is this too many questions?
Look, I have the answers You gave me in Your words but they don't take away the pain that I feel when I close the book.
People try to help but I don't want to be a project. I have a support system but I've run out of friends, I didn't mean to turn only to them. I still trust You, I just took a break from actively trusting You. People are in my life for a reason, You put them there to bless me, why do I just hurt them? Why do I choose their perceptions over Your love? Now I find myself alone because I can't just repeat to them the same problems and sound like a broken record, for the record that makes me feel broken and makes them feel like they have to fix me. Lord, I want to be fixed but people just use temporary glue and then break me further. They tell me to use the ACTS model of prayer so that I don't just repeat the same things over and over, I end up repeating things just the same but here let me try again:

Adoration: You, oh Lord, are holy, holy, holy. Your name is worthy to be praised and all creation bows a knee to You. Your grace and lovingkindness toward me are overwhelming and immeasurable. Every second is known to You before it takes place and I know You control my now. 
Confession: Father, I am the sheep that constantly goes astray, unworthy to be called Your servant. Even today I've denied You like Peter, I've betrayed You like Judas, I've run from You like Jonah. I confess my weakness and my need for You, would You forgive me and blot out my transgressions? Wash me white as snow in the blood of Your Son. 
Thanksgiving: The blessings You've given me surround me day and night. Every breath of air is a gift even when I don't want to breathe it. Every conversation, every friend, every new day is an act of Your mercy. Thank You, God. 
Supplication: Father, help me to breathe and want to breathe. Clear this smoke and give me clarity. There's pain but You know what hurt feels like. You watched Your Son get crushed for me, get crushed by me, and You did it because You loved me. Remind me of that today. Lead me, bless me, strengthen me. Be my strength. 

Father, I mean no disrespect, I mean only to feel close to You again. These walls are tired of hearing my voice, I'm tired of hearing my pleas bounce back to me from them, are You tired too? Tired of me asking these questions? Tired of my hypocrisy? Maybe that's just me. You are the God that never sleeps, You know all, see all, and are always working. If You sent Your only Son to die for me than You've never rejected a prayer or tired of me. Thanks for always listening even though I rarely do. Thank You for blessing me beyond what I can believe. Help me to see You in this darkness, to follow You and know You more every day. I trust You to see me through this pain, walk beside me in this valley and in Your name I'll see a victory. I pray these things in Your name and in the power of Your Son's blood. 
Amen.