Update

 I haven't written something that's not poetry in a while but its definitely time to do so now. This post is to inform anyone reading this of some good news and some bad news. 

First, the bad news. I'm going to start taking down many of my previous posts. Basically all of my attempts at poetry and a few other pieces will be deleted over the next week or so. 

The good news is that I'm working on a book and plan to publish it before the year is done, Lord willing. I hope to keep y'all updated on that and to post on here when time permits.

Identity

 

This week
I lost my keys.
I looked in 15 wrong places
before I found them
where they didn’t belong

Misplacing things is common
so is losing
identity

This week
I lost me.
I looked in a hundred wrong places
success, debate, the library
phone calls, written words, my family
behind a closet of masks
and a pile of facades
between accolades
and failures
underneath deep rooted insecurity
far away from verses I knew by memory
I found my worth
where it didn’t belong

Misplacing ourselves is common
we all struggle to find
identity

Cheesy quotes on self-esteem
tell us that we are worth
more than we could believe
But I want to believe
that I’m actually worth something
so very quickly I find myself chasing
chasing….
chasing fame and popularity
shaping how people think of me

losing my identity

I am the lost sheep
worried about what the other 99 see
so I count them to fall asleep
and wonder if anyone
really knows me
and wonder if I
really know me

When I’ve looked in my
99 wrong places
in all the usual, blank, empty spaces
that’s when my identity finds me
my Shepherd leaves the 99
and chases me
chases…
chases a sinner who loses her keys
I look at His hands and His side
I am reminded
that by His blood I am defined
I am bought with a price

My worth isn’t found in me
it’s in a ransom paid by my King

what I wish I could hear

 

What I wish someone would say to me
(and me actually believe)
You are more than what you have achieved
Do you remember when Christ set you free?
take as long as you need
can I give you a hug?
Where you are right now is not just luck
no, you don’t need makeup
I’m listening
have you prayed about it?
what is the Lord teaching you?
what do you want to do?
God is using you
call me anytime
I want to be part of your life
your scars prove that you’re alive
let’s just drive
how’s your relationship with God?
He has given you a purpose
Rejoicing is spiritual service
Christ is worthy of worship
I’m proud of you
You are enough
You are loved

These words sound so cliché
maybe you’ve heard them already today
or maybe you’re like me
longing to see the sun through the rain
to find the peace in the fray
needing truth
and if that’s you
than those are the words I would say

Move on

Move on
you’ve stared at that wall for too long
it hasn’t budged
so you need to
I know, your thoughts are on a loop
stuck in the past
reliving that conversation as though
you could undo what you said
and take back the hurt you used
now everyone is bruised
but there’s no going back
and it’s not for a lack of staring at a wall.
overthinking doesn’t heal wounds
so move. Sin doesn’t disqualify you.
It’s a war and you’re an imperfect,
hurting, broken, still learning soldier.
You are the one God chose to select
don’t stand still as though dead

Take another step
you said what you said
you were forgiven when you chose to repent
now shake it off and hit the reset

Eyes off the blank wall and toward the battlefield
it’s in this moment that you choose not to yield
it’s not the first moment you’ve had to push past
where would you be if you used the past like a shield?

That time when you said what you needed to say
and it hurt but you were right.
The slammed door,
yeah I’ve been there
hanging up without apologizing
ending the call after building a wall
giving a cold shoulder
not saying enough, saying too much

When you said no
when you had to let go
when you struck the first blow

Haven’t we all?
haven’t we all hurt enough people to know
that there is no rewind?
so why do we hit play again in our head?
it’s an old recording of
a scene that can’t be edited
there is no deleting
so stop overthinking.

Why are you only reliving the failures?
You are so much more
you got to here
stop decorating your headspace with heartache
enough unpreventable pain happens already
don’t sit here with the hurt replaying
in a pit of self-pity staring at a wall
you’ve messed up before
I promise, it’ll happen more
you can’t hide and just kneel
simply because this hurt hasn’t yet healed
you will survive this and see it happen more

Move on
burned bridges don’t rebuild themselves
time doesn’t heal without some help
stop waiting for someone to offer you a hand
stop praying for a white flag
no one is coming to your rescue
so fight for the God who enlisted you
take initiative and make your move
stop asking why
stop saying what if
you admit you’re not innocent
now get over it.

You’re gonna be alright
take a step.
right, left, right, left
don’t look back at this one yet
it will be a while before you see the Author's intent
deep breath
move on
make a new memory
do something you love
remember your goals
keep going
stand up from the chair
turn your back to the wall
and end the overthinking that led to your lockdown

Between the Lines

Between the lines that are clearly written, there's a whole other story.  

(please note: this is a fictional and imaginative piece written for creative purposes, not factual)

Hey sis! 

How are you? I'm writing because I'm bored and lonely miss you and have been praying for you. Life is bleak right now going well, there are a lot of struggles and I cant see God working but God is always good. People here are friendly but I have no friends and want a real conversation and say hi. I've joined a few groups but I don't really fit in which should keep my busy. I'm struggling to God is teaching me to trust, He has brought me this far but I'm tired and want to quit and keeps air in my lungs so why does it still hurt to breathe? I am grateful. Time really flies, I miss what is was like to be happy a kid, so many memories keep hitting me and bringing me to tears of the good days with less responsibility and no constant overwhelming fear. I hope you're doing well, I'd give anything to have your faith coffee with you right now, you always manage to hold onto hope when it seems impossible make people laugh, I need that right now. Please tell me that everything is gonna be ok? next time you're in town. Thanks for being there for me. Miss you!

-your sister in Christ

 Hey sis! 

How are you? I'm writing because I'm bored and lonely miss you and have been praying for you. Life is bleak right now going well, there are a lot of struggles and I cant see God working but God is always good. People are friendly but I have no friends and want a real conversation and say hi. I've joined a few groups but I don't really fit in which should keep my busy. I'm struggling to God is teaching me trust, He has brought me this far but I'm tired and want to quit and keeps air in my lungs so why does it still hurt to breathe? I am grateful. Time really flies, I miss what is was like to be happy a kid, so many memories keep hitting me and bringing me to tears of the good days with less responsibility and no constant overwhelming fear. I hope you're doing well, I'd give anything to have your faith coffee with you right now, you always manage to hold onto hope when it seems impossible make people laugh, I need that right now. Please tell me that everything is gonna be ok? next time you're in town. Thanks for being there for me. Miss you!

-your sister in Christ

Pursuing God

I believe that God is good and that in pursuing Him with all that we are we will find all the good there is to be found.  

In knowing Him, there is love, joy, peace, confidence, hope, and all pure things, unstained by the world and able to overcome sin. The weapons that we wage war with all find their cause in Him, even the desire to fight the war comes from the God who knows no defeat. He is victorious and the faith placed in Him will never disappoint us. 

So where is He now? When our hearts are burdened and all we know is that we are tired- tired emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically- in every way exhausted beyond what we thought we could take, where is the God who promises rest and reward?
He feels distant.
But that God is not limited to how we feel or what we think of Him. He sits in the heavens, yes. But He is also 3 in 1. Even now His Spirit- The Living God- is in my body as a temple. His Son is actively advocating for us. God the Father is listening to us, speaking through us, and working in us. He is found in the notes of Amazing Grace filling the hallway, the whispered prayer before bed and the guilt over sin. He hears every "Jesus, help me", counts every tear and knows every thought. God is found in every word of the Bible, He is seen in every paragraph, passage, and plea. 

Since He is omnipresent, pursuing Him, knowing Him and loving Him is as simple as seeking Him. The smallest effort is rewarded and leaves us with a desire for more. That desire drives transformation. The ones who hate early mornings are now up before everyone else, people who never read begin to love His book, those who never speak now can't stop talking about God's goodness. 

This is the power of pursuit. Seeking God changes us. 

His word does not return void but accomplishes the purpose that it was sent for. "What can be known about God is plain to them" (Romans 1:19. Friends, there is no excuse to not pursue Him. And with that pursuit comes a deep thirst for more. Our king and our Father wants us to know Him. That is why theology is not just for pastors, scholars, or counselors- it is for those that love and want to know God. At the same time, the Gospel and very basics of faith is not just for children or new believers- it is for all those who love and want to know God. 

The more I share the Gospel or give my testimony the more I am remembering and dwelling on who God is and what He has done, this in turn deepens my faith and drives me to know more. And knowing more doesn't have to come from hours of reading commentaries, sitting through lectures, or reading Augustine or Piper. Knowledge comes from God's word. That is all that is needed. Pray, open your Bible and read, then pray. That is pursuit. And it brings joy, peace, and wisdom. 

God is here. Do you see Him? Are you seeking? Start now. He is not slow as some count slowness. He wants to use your life to bring others to repentance. Are you willing to be used by Him? He is waiting. 

July words

More

More coffee please
Yes, it’s a need
Why? Because at night I can’t sleep
It’s not the nightmares or dreams,
It's real life that stops me

More time, 5 minutes maybe?
I don’t yet have a face people can see
Let me hide for another moment
Soon, soon I’ll be ready

More tears have been spent
How many more days of this lament?
More words have been said
How much longer till they repent?
More lies have been told
My “I’m fine” answer is getting old
More prayers to heaven are sent
And yet, more tears have been spent

Parents are yelling more and more
Siblings fighting more and more
This pain keeps piling more and more
Brokenness surrounds more and more

More sin gives way to more grace
More darkness is space for more light
More brokenness reveals the spiritual fight

His mercy is more
His hope is greater than real life fears
His joy will wipe away every tear
His answers supply for more requests
His peace is more powerful than the war
He is more than enough to heal your scars

His name- Jesus- conquered the dark
The prince of peace wants only your heart
The pain and the fear is great
His hope and love are more.



He knows, He cares, He rules

He knows

When I speak
What I say
How I feel
Who I am
Why I live
Where I go

He cares
When no one else does
What I believe
How I live
Who I love
Why I cry
Where my heart is

He rules
When darkness seems too dark
What a light He shines in our heart
How kind a God that saved me
Who ran far away and fled His grace
Why He chased me is still a mystery
Where I stand now is amazing

So I can expect Him to work
In hearts and lives and through the hurt
Every factor is controlled at every turn
The when, what, how, who, why, and when are known 

If doubt and hurt are plaguing you
Trust that He knows, He cares, He rules

What is your reason?

When I was 9 years old, I fell in love with gymnastics. Everything in my life started to become oriented around the gym, every day that I wasn't at practice I was looking forward to it and on the rapidly increasing days that I did have practice, everything in that day was focused on it. I would turn down anything that interfered with my obsession and honestly I was a pain to deal with if I was even 10 minutes late. As I became older, my world became bigger and my struggles more real, so the gym became even more important. It was where everything made sense, my reward for making it through another day, my only social circle, my source of serotonin and peace. With very little in life to live for, gymnastics was my motivation to keep going. 

I explained all of this to a friend one day at a coffee shop a few years later and he nodded and turned to another friend and said "so what's your 'gymnastics'?". 

It's an interesting question, definitely one worth thinking on. What is it that gets you up in the morning? When you're having a really hard day, what do you look forward to? What is it that you always make time for and can't stop talking about? 

At 15, I was coming to terms with the fact that I was going to have to let go of gymnastics, I wasn't going to have time for it soon and holding on wasn't going to do me any good. But it had been a central part of everything I did for so long, would I be able to deal with the hole that it left? To be honest, I was rather apprehensive. As an introvert with no social life and a long struggle with depression who dislikes change, I was not excited to let go of what I had allowed to become the center of my world for so long. But 15 year old me also saw it as an opportunity to center my life more around God, to grow in His peace and my trust of His plan for my life. So gymnastics ended and I dedicated myself to knowing and serving God better. 

I started college only a month later. I loved it. I've always been driven and academic so this played to my passions well. In no time, I was taking a full credit load while doing high school, public speaking, and working. I was constantly busy and almost always doing school. I kept up that frenzied pace for a really long time, I did school on Sunday's, holidays, vacations, my birthday, anytime and anywhere I could and I skipped out on any social gathering (even prom) so that I could get more done. Suddenly, school ended and I had summer completely free, the first summer without school that I could ever remember. Now I had time for people, having fun, and miscellaneous things I had said "no" to for so long.

Which was ironic because summer of 2020 contained none of that. Everything locked down. Instead, I had a whole lot of time on my hands that I couldn't do very much with. It was almost as though God had removed all my distractions so that I could dedicate my time to Him and for the first time in my life I actually studied Christianity and deepened my knowledge of my faith. Most days that summer, serving God and knowing Him better was why I got up in the morning. I centered my time around Him and sought His will for my life. As the world was falling apart, God built me up in Him. But life moves on...

Fall saw me jumping back into everything I was passionate about. I dove into work and school, immersing myself in a new environment and filling up every moment of time I had with chasing my dreams. I was consumed with busyness, always focused on the next thing. Mainly, I was driven toward my degree, it was like I was 17 again, giving "I have to do school" as an excuse for everything. I was fairly single minded in my pursuit of what I saw as "success", and in spring, I caught it. I finished my degree and ended my time at two of my jobs. 

Once again, I don't have a "gymnastics". No concrete, worldly reason to get out of bed, nothing material to center my world around. Just like in the summer of 2020, God has removed the distractions and reminded me that He is my reason. He should always be the only reason. But it's so easy to chase other things, to lose focus of what actually motivates us. I grew up in church and was saved at 13, so I knew what my motivation should be, I did consistently go to church and take time to pray, I have grown in my faith and followed what I believe to be His call on my life. But I often found myself chasing the call, not the God who called me. 

C.S Lewis writes that "Thoughts undertaken for God's sake are continued as if they were an end in themselves and then as if our pleasures in thinking were the end. Thus all day long and all the days of our life we are sliding, slipping, falling away". I've found this undeniably true in my life. If I don't fight to reclaim my thoughts for Christ, then what started as an endeavor to please Him becomes an idol to please myself. None of us would really call ourselves an idolater, but if we're honest then we have all found our world off axis at some point because we ceased to be centered around God. Christianity, then, isn't just about doing the Lord's will, it's doing it with our eyes constantly trained on Him. All other hopes, anchors, and pursuits are fleeting. 

My reason for getting another degree isn't just to serve Him with it, it's to serve Him with every moment of that journey and become more dependent on His grace while stewarding what He has given me. I cannot simply work so that I can tithe and not be indebted to others, work must be an act of worship. The means must never become the end. Don't lose focus getting caught up in whatever is "gymnastics" for you. Ask yourself and answer honestly why you spend time doing what you do. Listen to what you talk about, what would your friends say you're obsessed with? When you get up in the morning, why do you do it? When you walk into work, are you more grateful that God provided you with a job and opportunities to love others, or more excited that you get to walk out in a few hours?

When we fall in love with a sport, a degree, an achievement, a family, a person, or any material reason for moving forward, it's very easy for our world to crumble. The war to only be consumed with God's purpose is one that doesn't end on this side of eternity. But it is possible to fight it. And you should not wait until your world crumbles, do not wait until lockdown hits or you can catch your breath or you win your next big award only to realize that it is dust. When you look around and see a hole that used to be filled by a dream, then you've chased your dream too far and lost sight of God's desire for you. Don't wait until you're in a coffee shop and someone asks you "what's your gymnastics?". Because too soon, you'll have to let go. The pattern repeated itself too many times in my life, I saw what God put in front of me, ran after it, and lost sight of God. Again, and again. Your story is probably the same, just with different dreams. Start today and break the pattern. If you are in public speaking, don't do it for the trophy. If you're in school, don't do it for the degree. If you are seeking a relationship, don't do it for the pleasure. If you're a mom, don't do it just for your child or your husband or your own happiness. Do all things for the Lord. 

Find your reason in Christ alone. Be satisfied in God. pursue what He has for you but do it with your eyes on Him. He is your prize. He is the center, the beginning, the end of all things. Let Him be why you wake up in the morning. 

Open Letter

 To those that prayed the prayer,

I know you. You're the one on the pew in front of me, the one that walked into Sunday school just ahead of me, the one whose parents my parents are friends with. If I ask you for your story and you say "well, I prayed the prayer..." then I have an idea of what that means. It means you grew up knowing the answers, calling yourself a Christian, and explaining Christianity to others. It means that when I start a verse you can finish it, you can probably beat me at a sword drill and I'm sure you've been over to the pastor's house. From a very early age you were taught a sinners prayer, you heard it prayed and preached and as you grew older you prayed it too. All the right words. And you genuinely wanted what you were told Jesus offered. But you always doubted if you had it. See, I know you because I've met many of you. But before I met you I knew you because I was you. 

At an early age, I prayed the prayer. Actually- I prayed it repeatedly. In church, in bed, on my knees, in the car, hands folded, arms outstretched, with tears in my eyes- I prayed, and if I wasn't saved then it wasn't for a lack of words. I had asked the Lord to enter my heart, but wasn't sure if it had worked. I just wanted to be sure. I would pray during lightning storms and asked God to verify that I was saved by making a flash of lightning last supernaturally long. I waited for some sign to confirm what I hoped was true- that my prayers weren't just bouncing off the walls.
I watched baptisms with awe at the confidence they had and knew that I wasn't sure enough of my salvation to stand up there and testify to it.
I watched the plate bearing crackers and juice pass by me every 6 weeks because I was afraid I would eat and drink condemnation on myself for my lack of faith.
I had answers but I also had doubts and I had nowhere to turn for assurance. 

So, friend, I want to assure you that I know what it's like. I know the separation you feel from the rest of the church. I know the uncertainty and the longing to know for sure. I know the questions "what if I'm doing something wrong?" "Is God really listening?" and I'm not here to answer all your doubts nor am I here to assure you of your salvation. But can I tell how I found the assurance that I lacked for 17 years? 
I sat down at a church I hadn't been to before and looked around. I saw normal people, people not well off and with a million other things they could be doing, people with no visible reason to be at church, gathered together to worship God. You could see their love for God and one another so clearly. They genuinely had joy and peace- a kind of joy and peace that wasn't fake either. 
Looking around, I wanted to be one of them.
Everyone here was united by one thing- they loved God. That meant that if I loved God I was one of them. And I knew that I loved God, not well, but I knew I wanted to love Him more. Not only that, but I knew I could not even want to love God unless God had placed that desire in me in the first place. 

Let me back up and explain the theology here before I go further: 1. God is a holy God who hates sin and cannot accept it. 2. I am a sinner. 3. Sinners who have not been born again love their sin and therefore hate the God that condemns them for their sin. 4. A sinner of their own volition will not turn to and love a God that hates their sin and will make them hate their sin. 5. Therefore, if I- a sinner- love God and hate sin than that is the work of Christ in me. 

Each of these pieces fell into place and I looked around a second time and knew that I belonged with these people. And everywhere I go, I belong with those who love God. There was no doubt, no room for doubt, no need for doubt, I have not doubted since. My conversion was never an emotional thing, I never got that supernatural sign and didn't ever feel any different. I still don't know when I was actually saved. It doesn't matter. I am saved. For the first time ever, simply knowing the answers was enough. 

So if you've prayed the prayer and you genuinely want to know and love God- maybe that desire isn't your own but the work of Christ in you. Are you spending time doubting your salvation and waiting for lightning to strike instead of living your life certain of the saving work of the cross and in light of eternity with God?

I wondered if I would ever know for sure. Now, I know the joy and peace that comes with knowing for sure and I'm writing this to you because assurance is attainable. God is not a God of confusion, that's satan's work. Scripture tells us that if you call on the name of the Lord will be saved (Romans 10:13) and that if you confess Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead- you are saved (Romans 10:9). It's that simple. Assurance was granted to you by God through the work of His Son. Believe. If you've prayed the prayer, if you've walked Roman's road, you can have the assurance that took me so long to find. 

Sincerely, 

A Daughter of the King

The Storm

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
Ground shakes on a cold brisk night
Wind ripples her hair as into the distances she stares
A storm on its way to change her life
The fear she feels isn’t rare
She has stood here hundreds of times her lungs working too hard for air
Tears beat the raindrops in the race to hit the earth
the struggle for peace is her burden because of sin’s curse
From the earth she came to the earth she will return
Between those times is a world of hurt
She takes another shaken breath
turns her mind to all the things that have happened to her
Memories stirred up like carried away leaves
faster and faster the troubled winds blow the debris
if only she could have a break from her past’s gravity
a moment out of the wind, a chance to breathe
Eyes drop to her feet planted in the dirt
Whole being longing to join it but to death she can’t revert.
Her past puts her emotions in a constant whirl
The rain that now pours down in sheets used to watch her dance in the streets
Now time has gone and she saw hope flee
the girl that had great dreams now can never sleep
Her heart aches with each new beat
Soul searching for a place to be planted but there are too many weeds
Thoughts and thunder grow louder- lightning strikes and she feels the heat
A system of worry, fear, anger- her mind is clouded from longing for relief
all she knows is a lack of peace, a constant dread that her mistakes won’t leave

No one else would choose to stand in a hurricane but this girl has no escape
so she faces the storm and waits for it to break
The storm will break or she will- either one would hurt
But in breaking each time she finds more of what her life is worth
by surviving a tsunami of emotions and pain she begins to find relief
living through these storms provides a rest she at first couldn’t believe
with each rainfall she has become a little more clean
the past slowly loosens its grip and she becomes a little more free
overcoming the trauma in her story took facing it and seeing victory
each storm on its way to change her life
shook her and scared her but began to create strength of a different type
healing is found by confronting her triggers and walking through them each time
troubled eyes full of tears can finally see hope through this fear

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
another storm coming to shape her life
All she could do was remember the other storms she had been inside
and trust that someone would see her walk out the other side. 

Transform

When the merchant found a pearl of great value, he sold everything he had and bought it.
When a little leaven is put in measures of flour, all of it becomes leavened.
A lady touched His cloak, a soldier made a bold statement, a tax collector got convicted- Jesus changed their lives and redeemed their situation powerfully.
When God's people marched around Jericho, the walls fell.
When Pharaoh held the Israelites captive 10 plagues struck his people.
Lazarus was dead and buried, a widow didn't have enough oil, 5,000 were without food- and God moved in a big way.

Our God is a God of transformation. 

The lives that He touches, He changes. The people that choose to follow Him become radically different than the rest of the world. When His love impacts a sinners heart it literally goes from dead to alive and the fruits of the sinners life change from hate to love, selfishness to generosity, pride to humility, immorality to holiness, and desperation to hope. This is radical transformation. This is what I want in my life. 

Every year, the week before New Year's I start thinking about what I want the next year to look like. And I know, New Year's resolutions are notorious for failing and/or backfiring, so I generally don't create them. But I do choose one word that I want to focus on for the next 365 days. The first year it was hope, then trust, then love, and now I've chosen "Transform". I want to live every moment this year becoming more and more like Christ, I want my heart to break for what breaks His and I want to be pressed and molded and shaped into the jar of clay He wants me to be. In many ways, I've already seen this prayer answered. 

Moving to a new state, living with a new family, attending a new church, working new jobs, and making new friends contains a lot of opportunities for transformation. I've seen these outward changes cause at least small shifts in my outlook on and attitude in life. The challenges this year has offered have pushed me to grow in new ways that I am so thankful for. But the year is still young and I have a lot more areas I know I need to change in. There are three specific one's I've been made aware of recently and I'm writing this hoping that you can be encouraged and maybe challenged by how God's power transforms lives. 

1. Gratitude 
As much as the media and news stories tell us differently- right now is a really great time to be alive. Look around! We can travel across the country or across the world very quickly and safely whenever we wish. We are never without a variety of food. We can communicate with anyone at anytime. The church is not persecuted in most of the world, we worship in various churches, and we can easily access books filled with wisdom from other people. The world we live in actually gives us a lot to be thankful for. And I don't know your situation, but personally this is something I've noticed a struggle with. Things like grades, pressure, anxiety, busyness, or drama cloud my vision and if you asked me what I was grateful for the answers would come hesitantly. I'm not trying to make our struggles (or your struggles) less legitimate- life is hard and has a lot of trials, but I am realizing that we don't count our blessings enough. And not only materialistic blessings, but spiritual ones as well. How often do we actually thank God for raising us from the dead? Or bringing our walls down? Or thank Jesus for dying on a cross for us? Luke 17 tells the story of 10 lepers that Jesus passed and commanded to go to a priest to be healed. All 10 diseased people were healed. How many gave thanks? One. I want to be that one. I don't just want the outward transformation, I want to be transformed like the one leper was. Volumes have been written on the importance of gratitude so I'll leave it at this: I pray that the Lord would help me be more grateful and hope you'll join me in returning to God to give thanks often.

2. Humility
C.S. Lewis says that "humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less". 1 Corinthians 13 says that love is not boastful or arrogant. Jonathan Edwards says "Nothing sets a Christian so much out of the devil's reach then humility". If I think about my life honestly, there is a lot of pride. I find myself cherishing or dwelling on the idea of my own importance, in conversations I talk a lot about me and try to drop hints at all the things I've accomplished, and my everyday actions prove that my first priority is often my own comfort and convenience. Pride leads to anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, shallow friendships, and it's gravity prompted satan's fall. Friends, if you know me and witness the pride in my life- call me out. Humility fights to serve other's, humility looks like what Jesus did, and that's what I want my life to look like, so enough about me. 

3. Counting the cost
Sometimes, it looks like Jesus asks us to give up a lot- too much. Anything that does not glorify Him or sanctify us is a weight that must be thrown off. Every impure thought, sketchy movie, addictive pastime, harsh word, laziness, or favorite sin must be fought vehemently. I recently read the following 
definition of sin "Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself" -Susanna Wesley (Mother of John Wesley). Reading this, I realized how much sin I was tolerating in my life simply because it didn't fit a popular image of "sin". And even in the big battles I knew I needed to fight I wasn't really willing to sacrifice the things I wanted. For Jesus, we must give up a lot, there is no doubt. But is it worth it? Yes. No doubt. The things we must throw off are lesser pleasures of the flesh and are nothing compared to the riches of knowing Christ more. I've found myself not willing to truly flee from sin because it was too high a price, not worth the cost. This year, I want to accurately count the cost of following Jesus and genuinely say that I am His at any cost. Sin I've chosen to cling to, pleasures I flee to, people I take refuge in, escapes I find freedom in- all of it is a cost but it's a small price to pay for the salvation I've received, the joy of sanctification, and the hope of glorification. 

My God is a God of transformation and my desire is to see Him transform my life through the new opportunities and people He's given me so that His grace fills me and is evident in my life. These three areas are starting points to focus on and I ask that you join me in considering how Jesus is asking you to change for Him today. We are His workmanship, let Him transform your life to reflect that more each day. 

Splash- A poem

Splash. The rock hit the pond the quiet peace of the lake shattered.
My rock sank to the bottom- gone
irretrievable, heavy, cold- gone
I didn’t turn to grab another one
I stood watching the ripples
seeing them spread before their disturbance was done
and I couldn’t help but wonder-
what if that’s how this war is won?
What if the splash my death makes
Startles someone else awake?
Like a rubber band that snaps and snaps your hand
maybe my death could be someone’s wake up call
snapping them out of their dependence on self
Pushing them to give Christ their all.

Maybe that’s where the thoughts should have stopped
But it's not.
is it too dangerous to even think about these thoughts?
Impacting lives through action on a word that’s forbidden
Swapping my breath for a legacy, my footsteps for echoes
The thoughts continue on honestly and unfiltered

What if my pain starts a conversation
plants a seed and leads to a salvation?
What if the impact of my action changed a life that changed the nation?
Why is it so easy to write so many lines about darkness and hurt
And draw a blank when writing about taking another breath?
These words are my artwork- the talent God’s gifted me with
But all I can paint are landscapes of sorrow
using words that show my lack of care for tomorrow
This life is a masterpiece- the treasure God has blessed me with
But oh how lightly I often take His gift

Slap, slap, slap. The band clicks on repeat on my wrist.
click, click, click, thoughts spin in my head
like a train running on a track
my thoughts run faster and faster- no going back
maybe I’m blowing off steam but hear me out
I’m tired of doing hard things,
I don’t want to be a success story.
Maybe I can be one of those tragic ones
and make people want to not be like me.

To the joy of living I’ve become so numb
what happened to life abundantly?
Peace beyond understanding?
where is the hope that is always unwavering?
Their reality in my mind is fast disappearing

What this life offers is not worth the effort to live
But God doesn’t offer what this world contains
Him giving Jesus was the best gift I could receive
And it’s His promise of joy that I’ll choose to beleive
My contempt for His gift mocks His choice to forgive
This life was bought with blood, it belongs to Him

Adopting thoughts of death is throwing away the thought of my adoption
My life, my every breath, isn’t mine
do I ignore the Creator whose command to put me here was divine?
this mountain in front of me was the hill He created for me to climb
Will I ignore the voice of the Savior that climbed calvary?
He ran the race for the joy of eternity
He won the war so I can fight with certainty
Jesus didn’t take His life, He laid it down
laying down my life today means choosing to climb out
It means letting my salvation in Jesus drown out the doubt
Joy comes in the morning
Life in Him can be lived abundantly
Peace through prayer comes without understanding
Hope in Christ leaves the Christian unwavering
Under the weight of these thoughts my hope is again appearing
Making life in Christ look all the more appealing

Living on can give me a chance to speak these thoughts aloud
to be a breath not a legacy, a footstep not an echo
To impact not just one life but a whole crowd
If your voice feels muted today then I have a reason to shout
You are more than a stone sinking down
You are strong enough to keep fighting despite your doubt
Your next breath makes your story a success
This is your wakeup call- you can make a difference alive
Tear off the shackles and in Christ’s joy abide
Life in God is worth the effort to live
Your existence here is a gift
By a Creator who loves you, you were given time
Don’t throw away the masterpiece painted by the divine

Maybe this is why I was given words that paint sorrow
To remind you that there is always hope for tomorrow
With my time I will choose to start the conversation
Paint the landscape of pain to give depression an explanation
And when I run out of words about wanting to live
I will write books about why you should take your next breath
Your life and mine was bought with our Savior’s death
In His sacrifice we find our wake up call
So use the life He’s given you to give Jesus your all.

A Preview

 I have a lot of ideas and a lot of words that I want to write, unfortunately I don't have a lot of time to write them. Since I wasn't able to finish any one thing for a post (this week or last week) I'm going to post snippets of things I'm currently writing and hope to finish at some point when the world isn't this crazy. If you have a favorite, let me know and I'll try to finish that one first. This preview will only be up for a little while but I wanted to let everyone know I am still writing and do hope to post again soon. 

Questions:

Depressions asks why

Why won’t this hurt stop?
a dull pain you can’t explain
A hot knife in your chest
sharp pangs of sorrow like something’s broken.
it only increases with every sob, with every breath
you don’t know how to say it so your brokenness remains unspoken
under this weight words seem hopeless
they say “it will be alright, you’ll make it through”
but what if it’s too much?
what if I don’t want to.


Depression asks why
Why alive? Why hopeful? Why out of bed? Why loved?
depression nails these questions into our head.
fight for the answers you know, friend
fight for the truth until the end
daylight always breaks through the tears of night
it is finished was the cry that finished the fight.

Anxiety asks how.

How am I supposed to do all of this?
It keeps piling up till I’m drowning in tasks and to do lists
fighting to keep afloat but I can’t for much longer.
If only these cares belonged to someone stronger.

The Storm

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
Ground shakes on a cold brisk night
Wind ripples her hair as into the distances she stares
A storm on its way to change her life
The fear she feels isn’t rare
She has stood here hundreds of times her lungs working too hard for air
Tears beat the raindrops in the race to hit the earth
From the earth she came to the earth she will return
Between those times is a world of hurt
She takes another shaken breath
turns her mind to all the things that have happened to her
Memories stirred up like carried away leaves
Eyes drop to her feet planted in the dirt
Whole being longs to join it but to death she can’t revert.
Her past puts her emotions in a constant whirl
The rain that now pours down in sheets used to watch her dance in the streets
Now time has gone and she saw hope flee
Heart aches with each new beat
Soul searching for a place to be planted but there are too many weeds
Thoughts and thunder grow louder- lightning strikes and she feels the heat
A system of worry, fear, anger- her mind is clouded from longing for relief

One Day

Just one day
freezing snow falling
my world melting
warming cold hands
God is great

Fade

Like the day into a night that lasts forever
like the night into a day that I don’t want to live
the sunset on the horizon
the joy of dancing with friends
the lyrics of a good song
all fade.
Fade like my grasp on truth
my grasp on my Fathers hand
what would it be like to just fade away?
not suddenly gone, but here one moment
and not the next.
thoughts fading into black oblivion
deeper than the ocean

Splash

Splash. The rock hit the pond
the quiet peace of the lake shattered.
My rock sank to the bottom- gone
irretrievable, heavy, cold-gone
I didn’t turn to grab another one
I stood watching the ripples
seeing them spread before their disturbance was done
and I couldn’t help but wonder-
what if that how this war is won?
What if the splash my death makes
Startles someone else awake?
Like a rubber band that snaps and snaps your hand
maybe my death could be someone's wake up call
snapping them out of their dependence on self
Pushing them to give Christ their all.

Those are my current projects. Let me know if you have a favorite, I can't wait to finish something and actually publish it but this is all you get for now. Thanks for reading! Hope you have a great week and never stop seeking Christ. 

A February Prayer

 Dear Father, 

If I know You are enough, why do I still want more? Your mercy toward me is unexplainable, so is the pain that I feel right now. The confusion in my brain drowns out my gratitude, tears me up inside and makes my emotions a hurricane. You calmed the storm so why does this wind still push hard enough to knock me over? Every wave that You walked on still towers above my head. Lord, I am in over my head.
Hands outstretched, reaching for help, I want what You offer- You promise to give grace to the humble, Father I don't think I can get any lower. You promise peace to those that trust You, I took a leap of faith and now am in a perpetual trust fall but the peace feels out of reach. You promise hope but the only anchor I seem to cling to is the sorrow that pulls me deeper and deeper and deeper, it's the steady presence in my life. God I know You're here but the pain feels more real. It feels more powerful.
My words towards others are about as honest as the conversations I've had with You recently. Do You read the words I write and take them as prayers acceptable in Your sight? Because when I look back at what I read I see Your hand in my life but when I try to pray You feel so distant. If You are near to the brokenhearted than are You sitting next to me? If You whisper in the storm than am I just deaf to the words You say?
I'm told not having answers is ok because than I'll start asking the right questions but if questioning You is wrong than where do I go with the doubts that I have? Father, You sent Your Son to die for me. I can repeat the truths of Your blessings toward me over and over and over again, but they still don't sink in. The emotions swarm and I can put it all in rhymes and metaphors but I can't overcome them no matter how hard I try, do I just stop trying? That never works Lord, You know I stay in bed all day if I do that. Is this too many questions?
Look, I have the answers You gave me in Your words but they don't take away the pain that I feel when I close the book.
People try to help but I don't want to be a project. I have a support system but I've run out of friends, I didn't mean to turn only to them. I still trust You, I just took a break from actively trusting You. People are in my life for a reason, You put them there to bless me, why do I just hurt them? Why do I choose their perceptions over Your love? Now I find myself alone because I can't just repeat to them the same problems and sound like a broken record, for the record that makes me feel broken and makes them feel like they have to fix me. Lord, I want to be fixed but people just use temporary glue and then break me further. They tell me to use the ACTS model of prayer so that I don't just repeat the same things over and over, I end up repeating things just the same but here let me try again:

Adoration: You, oh Lord, are holy, holy, holy. Your name is worthy to be praised and all creation bows a knee to You. Your grace and lovingkindness toward me are overwhelming and immeasurable. Every second is known to You before it takes place and I know You control my now. 
Confession: Father, I am the sheep that constantly goes astray, unworthy to be called Your servant. Even today I've denied You like Peter, I've betrayed You like Judas, I've run from You like Jonah. I confess my weakness and my need for You, would You forgive me and blot out my transgressions? Wash me white as snow in the blood of Your Son. 
Thanksgiving: The blessings You've given me surround me day and night. Every breath of air is a gift even when I don't want to breathe it. Every conversation, every friend, every new day is an act of Your mercy. Thank You, God. 
Supplication: Father, help me to breathe and want to breathe. Clear this smoke and give me clarity. There's pain but You know what hurt feels like. You watched Your Son get crushed for me, get crushed by me, and You did it because You loved me. Remind me of that today. Lead me, bless me, strengthen me. Be my strength. 

Father, I mean no disrespect, I mean only to feel close to You again. These walls are tired of hearing my voice, I'm tired of hearing my pleas bounce back to me from them, are You tired too? Tired of me asking these questions? Tired of my hypocrisy? Maybe that's just me. You are the God that never sleeps, You know all, see all, and are always working. If You sent Your only Son to die for me than You've never rejected a prayer or tired of me. Thanks for always listening even though I rarely do. Thank You for blessing me beyond what I can believe. Help me to see You in this darkness, to follow You and know You more every day. I trust You to see me through this pain, walk beside me in this valley and in Your name I'll see a victory. I pray these things in Your name and in the power of Your Son's blood. 
Amen. 

Shake

 Shake-

Shake a hand, fake a smile, make a friend.
Friends ask “are you okay, can I pray” but no.
“No”, shake your head no, no prayer request, no sign of you about to break,
break like a phone dropped on street, like your voice with every new person you meet.
Meet them all, wave like you know them all, pretend you’re strong enough, don’t make that phone call
Call, answer their call, pick up the phone and make your voice bright, make everything light.
Light is for those walking in Christ but with every breath your faith shakes,
shake under the weight, a hundred thousand pounds on your back.
Back to where you were a lifetime ago, one step forward and two in reverse.
Reverse time in your mind to when fear didn’t make you shake.
Shake off the pain, the doubt, the hurt, hide it in a closet with the sin that’s been hidden for so long.
Long to shake it all off like a Taylor Swift song,
songs play on repeat in your head, their fast beat keeps you out of bed and on the move.
Move into a room and your hands shake,
shake their hand, shake your head "no", shake it off… STOP

Stop living that script.
Shake their perceptions of you like an earthquake that shatters their world of perfection they’ve put you in.
Shake a hand and tell them you’re not brave.
Brave a hug, hug someone tight until your breath doesn’t shake, request an honest prayer today.
Today, walk with Christ and He will show you the light.
Light is for you- you anxious and scared and hurting and….unshaken.
Unshaken and unshakable- that is your name,
name Jesus as King and you have for your soul a forever anchor.
Anchors don’t move under the weight of your doubt,
doubt turns to belief when you take it before your King.
Kings, judges, people, parents, jerks, friends, their heart is a stream of water in His hand.
Hand everything to Him, yes be honest! He doesn’t care that your voice shakes,
shake the gates of heaven and cry out with what shakes your soul.
Souls like yours were granted access to God’s throne so at His feet take a seat.
Seat no other desire in your heart but to know Him better.
Better is He than all the fool’s gold that causes you anxiety.
Anxiety must always bow a knee before the voice of our King.
King, Christ, Creator, Savior, at His command what makes you quake shakes loose it’s grip and you can throw off its chains and stand firm without shaking.

Turn

Turn-
Turned away from Christ.
Turned to busyness, turned to a screen, to a drink, to a knife.
Turn- turned off my brain, my conscious, tried to stop God from speaking. Turn off the pain, tune out the hurt. I thought the darkness would never turn to light, I almost turned right at the stop light, turned to the bridge, turned off this biological machine.
Only God’s power can turn this life into a lighthouse, the tears into laughter, the pain to hope and the fear to peace.
Turn- how the tables turned, control was never mine but its illusion shattered.
Turn- where do I turn? Nowhere to go, my turn to be struck on the road to Damascus. My turn to have scales removed from my eyes by a servant of the Lord. Turned to the pages of 1st Peter, took a turn suffering, turned back to Christ who turned my heart and my life inside out. He gave me people to turn to- in a coffee shop, a phone call, a church office, an adopted family.
I couldn’t see the situation turning out for the better until months later when I turned around to look. Screens, drinks, knives turned to prayers, people, papers of words expressing my pain and joy. Church was no longer a cold palace of walls and fake smiles, it turned from a stranger to an open family My turn came to tell my testimony, to show the church I had turned to God alone. A crumbling tower of independence turned into a tree dependent on streams of living water.
The world kept turning and I turned 18, a time that was never supposed to come for me came and I didn’t turn my car off until I found myself in a completely new situation. Now every day my heart turns in my chest, fear churns in my heart. But it's time to take up the cross, step out in faith, drink the cup just as as my Savior in the garden did taking His cross so I in turn could carry mine. Depression turned into anxiety, hope of a new start turned to fear of failure. Again, my Shephard turned my eyes back to Him. He turned people out of their way so they could reach into my life. 

I turned from a captive to my thoughts to again taking every thought captive and turning them into words of praise for the God who is good. I turn off the panic, turn from my fear, my phone, my frenzy. New challenges, new opportunities, new people everywhere I turn- my Shield, Rock, and Salvation- my God- will never turn His face from me. Satan never turns off the attacks but the prayers of the suffering turn God’s ear and He turns His hand as He whispers “I am still here”. 

Friend- turn to God even when all seems hopelessly lost. Be still, know He is God. Turning now to service of others, prayer without ceasing, loving, seeking the hurting. 

The twists and turns of my life brought me here safe in the open arms of God’s grace and joyfully embraced by His people.