A Day of Victory

No one saw it coming. 

We had just recovered from World War Two, still working on shaking off the sorrow that had entangled us. Families were still recovering and rebuilding. In 2001, things were looking hopeful again. And on a clear day in September, no one was ready for that to end. To everyone in New York, it was just another Tuesday morning. Everything changed at 8:45 when the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center. 3 other attacks followed, leading to almost 3,000 deaths as a result of the terrorist attack on 9/11. Shock was followed by sorrow and then anger. We got hit by something unexpected and it was devastating. 

And we’ve all been there in some way. Something or someone has hurt us, we have suffered and struggled and mourned, questioned how we were ever going to get back up and move forward. But for Christians, that recovery is always the same. We all run back to Christ, we all rebuild on His word as our foundation. I want to give you a message of hope today. That hope is found in my favorite historical speech. I found this speech two weeks ago and loved it, I think it's worth sharing so please stick around. Billy Graham, gave this address and titled it, “A Day of Victory”. At the time, victory didn’t seem to be on anyone’s mind. Most people were feeling defeated and torn, that’s what makes Billy Graham’s speech so amazing.

Addressing a mourning nation of young children who saw the disaster from their schools, grandparents who watched it from home, parents that had lost kids and families that had been ripped apart. All eyes are on Billy Graham, and these are some of the words he said to a country in tears:

“This week we watched in horror as planes crashed into the steel and glass of the World Trade Center. Those majestic towers, built on solid foundations, were examples of prosperity and creativity. When damaged, those buildings plummeted to the ground, imploding in upon themselves. Yet, underneath the debris, is a foundation that was not destroyed. Therein lies the truth of that hymn, “How Firm a Foundation.”

Yes, our nation has been attacked, buildings destroyed, lives lost. But now we have a choice: whether to implode and disintegrate emotionally and spiritually as a people and a nation; or to choose to become stronger through all of this struggle, to rebuild on a solid foundation. In that hymn, “How Firm a Foundation,” the words say, “Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed,/For I am thy God, and will give thee aid;/I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,/Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.”

My prayer today is that we will feel the loving arms of God wrapped around us and that as we trust in Him we will know in our hearts that He will never forsake us. And this will be a day that we will remember as a Day of Victory.”

I love the way he compares our lives to the towers. We get hit with tragedy and hardships, they make us crumble and fill our life with debris, but with Christ as our foundation we are never destroyed and we can rise again. We are upheld by God's right hand and His arms are lovingly wrapped around us. The last three weeks for me have not been victory. There were points where I didn't think life could get worse, and then it did. I was getting into bed feeling defeated every night and then waking up the next morning knowing I had to keep going. Graham's words made me realize that as long as I was trusting God, I each day was a victory. I don't know what you've been through this week, I don't know how stressed out or overwhelmed you are. You may feel like everything is hopeless right now. I encourage you today to run back to Christ. Please remember His promises and His words of comfort. Remember how He has kept those that trust in Him and how He has blessed you. You may not be strong enough to face the challenges in front of you right now, but that's ok. His power is made perfect in weakness. Run to Christ and rebuild in Him as your foundation.

Billy Graham’s purpose in this message was to bring hope to the people of America and lead them back to Christ for strength. Life will hit you hard, it probably already has. But know that in everything you go through, you have a firm foundation. Beneath all the ruins and wreckage this life can cause, the foundation of Christ will never be destroyed. This is the hope that Billy Graham brought America after 9/11. This is the hope we must never forget. If you run to Christ for strength, today can be your day of victory.

Step back

This is going to be a very short post but hopefully worth reading. My purpose is just to remind you of Who is in control right now.

Like I've said before, we all struggle. It's finding hope in those struggles that strengthens who we are in Christ. When we are in the midst of a situation we often can't see all the sides of it. Corrie Ten Boom wrote about this in her poem "My Life is But a Weaving", I love what she says about sorrow.

“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.”

We can't see the whole picture right now, in fact, this world tends to distract us and make us forget that there is a bigger picture. But we aren't completely in the dark. God's word guides us through everything, His spirit is constantly with us, and the people in our life are placed here for a reason. Open your heart and listen. Fill yourself with God's word, meditate on it constantly, pray that His spirit would guide you in every step you take, and listen to the wisdom that people around you offer. God is in control right now and He gave you those three things to help provide you with a different perspective on your situation. Take a step back from life right now and realize that, compared to eternity, this present moment is nothing. When we think about forever with Christ, temptations become easier to bear. So let go of your emotions and pain and worry. Focus on God and the plan He has not only for your life but for all of eternity. Trust that He will never leave you or forsake you. Step back and trust that He is weaving something great and that He loves you always.

Psalm 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Pride

For about a year and a half now, I’ve worked as a gymnastics coach, I love my job, I love working with the kids and watching them grow….but part of that job is a little less fun. Every evening we have to clean the gym. The bathrooms, the windows, the carpet, the floors, everything. One day I got done with my class and walk into the supply closet to grab the mop and the bucket and…I stop, confused. I look again. Then I think for a second….surely my assumptions are wrong. No coach would actually do that…..right? I look again, but sure enough, the mop bucket has almost an inch of nasty water in it, and it’s sitting inside the closet. I was shocked. No one had mopped yet that night, that meant the water had been sitting there since last night during cleaning. And all day people had been going in and out of the closet and no one had bothered to take care of it. Now I am not the neatest most organized person, my family could tell you that, but ever since I was young I’ve been taught to do things as though doing them for the Lord. Whoever had put that bucket away last must have forgotten that verse. I realized the problem, and a problem facing many Americans was a lack of pride. We don’t take ownership any more so the quality of our lives and what we produce is decreasing. To remedy this problem, I want to persuade you to have pride.

I understand that pride is generally seen as a bad thing, but there are two types of pride: An arrogant pride and healthy pride. Pride according to Marriam Webster can mean two things, first disdain, conceit, and inordinate self-esteem. That’s arrogant pride, haughtiness, the kind of pride that Proverbs warns us about. Secondly, pride can mean “reasonable or justifiable self-respect or delight arising from some act, possession, or relationship”. This is good pride. This is that feeling of achievement when you’ve done something well. Unfortunately, as we’ve preached against haughty pride we have also thrown out much of the self-respect. We need to clearly distinguish between these two terms and cultivate the last one, specifically in what we do and who we are.

Taking pride in what you do isn’t about getting approval, it is about reaching the standards you have set for yourself, and that should be the one outlined in the Bible. Colossians 3:23 says, “ Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men” If we did everything as though the Lord would inspect it, I think we would do our jobs much better. My dad always stresses to my siblings and I the importance of attention to detail. When you finish vacuuming, make sure the chord is wrapped up. When you do math, make it neat. When you mop, empty the mop bucket all the way. Paying this much attention to the little things doesn’t come naturally because we often do things just to get them done. Taking pride in our work would remedy this issue.

Having pride in who we are is a very tricky subject. There is such a fine line between self-respect and arrogance, a line between pride in ourselves and pride in our sin. There are many ways in which we can take pride in who we are to the point of sin. We see this in our culture through rainbow flags and rally’s for the Equality Act. Any pride that causes us to love our sin is wrong and is not what I’m trying to encourage. What I am encouraging is that we take pride in who Christ sees us as, and we remain thankful for who we are in Him, and that we take joy in the blessings He gives us. When we look in the mirror and see our reflection as “not good enough”, when we look at our actions and achievements and say, “not good enough”, we are telling God that His creation isn’t enough. Isnt pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough, popular enough. Listen, God created you as you are for a reason and to Him you are more than enough. Show some pride in who you are and take ownership of your accomplishments.

The source of all anxiety and depression are lies that the enemy tells us. Lies like, “you could never do enough, you could never be enough, you are not enough.” And in those moments when we believe those lies we refusing to believe everything that God says about us. Ephesians 2:10 tells us, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Let’s be proud of the fact that we are His workmanship and live accordingly.

Picture perfect

I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. They capture moments and hold memories for us.....but do they always tell the truth? When we see family pictures with everyone smiling in front of a picturesque background we don't see the struggles that family may be going through. 

Take a look at some of the snapshots of my life. In each one, you see a happy, motivated, loved teenage girl. They show a senior in high school, a gymnastics coach, and a church-attending Christian who can defend her faith and give all the right answers to questions of theology. They tell a story of a twin who's close to her family and always smiling, who grew up homeschooled and can't wait to attend a Christian college.

If you look at the pictures, my life is perfect.

The reality is a little messier though. You don't actually know me, everyone only knows little parts of me. They all get snapshots. But the full mess? I don't even think I fully realize it, and I sincerely doubt I could communicate it. Besides, who would want to see it all? So even my closest friends only get snapshots. 

What you see in snapshots really isn't someone's real life, we all paint a picture that looks perfect while we hide our pain from the world. I want you to realize today that your snapshots don't have to be perfect, that you are seen and understood, and lastly I want to urge you to get the full picture of someone's life.

Here's one of my biggest problems with only showing snapshots: We think they all have to be perfect. When people only see you as being put together and composed, you become afraid of revealing anything different. So we fight to maintain that image. Once we think people see us as having all the answers then we believe we have to live up to that standard, afraid that anything else would be disappointing them. There is this fear that they won't like us or will leave us once we show them our more human side; our brokenness. Friends, I have seen so many people hurt by this lie. If you find yourself buying into this myth right now, please stop. You are human, don't be afraid to show people that. Friends bond over brokenness, not perfection. Let people in to the real story of your life, and every so often, let them see a picture that isn't perfect. Then they will love you for you, and they will feel more free to be real with you. 

People around us often only see the pictures we want to show them, that's why they only get these snapshots of our life. But God sees the whole photo album and understand every thought that goes on behind the scenes. He knows your thoughts, struggles, fears, mistakes, sins, hopes, dreams.....all of it. 

One of my favorite songs right now is by the band For King and Country and its called, "God Only Knows", here's some of my favorite lines,

"God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows"

The song talks about how we keep a cover over every secret, so afraid that people would leave if we showed them, but there is Someone who sees and never leaves. This song sums up what I want to say much more eloquently then I could. God sees more then just the snapshots, more then the smiles you fake when you are struggling. He sees you for who you are, He sees everything you go through. You are not alone. You are not misunderstood, at least by God. And there is so much comfort in that. 

Feeling misunderstood and forgotten leads very quickly to depression. I know. I've been there. I have friends who are there right now. I implore you to not just believe the snapshots you see of peoples life. And I'm not just talking about Instagram or Facebook photos, I'm talking about the little glimpses of them you see. Because you may think you know people, but often times you simply haven't noticed how much more there is to them and their life. 

Go learn something new about someone. Figure out their struggles. Right now. And yes, I am speaking to you, not just someone else.

I love stories, I love hearing about people's struggles. I want to get to know people for who they are. And I am so hypocritical about this, because like I said, no one really knows me. But I collect stories, whether written or spoken, they are all a testament to the power and love of God. They show how He mends broken humans. Pictures capture moments, stories capture lifetimes. Every story makes me love God and love people more. Go look for the story beneath the picture they've showed you.

Don't make your life picture perfect and force yourself to maintain that. God knows what you're going through and your friends want to. They want to see you for you. Tell your story and go listen to stories. There will always be a theme of God's grace and redeeming love. 

Peace

How many of you are anxious?

Being stressed is the story of my life right now, I feel like I just keep being asked to handle one more thing. It almost feels like I’m in the middle of the biggest juggling act and am just trying to keep all the objects in the air. As a public speaker, you would think I would know how to handle nerves. But anxiety still gets to me constantly. Whenever I’m preparing to face people I basically just repeat Taylor Swifts lyrics in my head, “You need to calm down, you need to calm down.” People keep asking me how I don’t freak out in debate rounds, how I can appear confident, if there’s a way to calm down when you’re nervous. You know what I figured out? Being told to calm down or that there's, “nothing to worry about” really doesn’t help you. Because that’s not what matters. You will never have confidence in what's about to happen simply because someone told you to. Confidence comes from peace. I really want to share what God has put on my heart recently and the ways He has comforted me when I was struggling. I want to talk about peace, the kind of peace that quiets anxiety and provides calm in chaos.

This kind of feeling starts with having peace in who you are.

And I know that sounds so cheesy, very fakely motivational like something you see on a cat poster right? You know something like, “Believe in who you are”. But seriously, its true. If you don’t have peace in who you are you going to be stressed out. Your identity is foundational to everything else you do, and realizing that you are already safe and loved by God removes so much stress. There is a verse that I was obsessed with last year and still am today, and I would say this before I went into any of my speeches or in the middle of debate rounds. I started writing it everywhere I could because it helped me remember who I am and give me peace. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. And this life I live now in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” This is my identity. Friends, we are His. We never have to question who we are, never have to worry about being unloved. Nothing can separate us from Him. And if this is your identity you have no reason to be anxious, nothing will ever change who you are in Him. This is peace. All your sins are washed away, your past cant be used against you, you are His masterpiece. Your identity in Him is the most important thing about you, and because it is secure you have no reason to be anxious or stressed or worried. Christ is living in you now and so you can have peace with who you are. 

Since we have been crucified with Christ, this life really isn’t ours; it’s God’s to use for His glory. If we have peace in our identity then we can have peace in our circumstances. “The life we live in the flesh we live by faith in the Son of God.” We must have faith that He has control over everything that affects us. That doesn’t mean that life is going to be easy. God isn’t an umbrella, he doesn’t stop the rain and the hardships from touching us. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. Peace doesn’t mean that our boat won’t be rocked in the storm, it does mean that He will sustain us in those moments. He will be the anchor for our soul. When we pray for, “Peace that surpasses all understanding”, this is what we pray for.

Life is hard. Life hurts. It beats us to our knees. It makes us want to escape. To cope with this pain, everyone turns to different places. We seek the things that make us happy or numb the pain or at least distract us. But the only comfort we will ever find is in God. He is the God of peace and gives us peace that we can’t even understand. This idea of having a peace that you cant understand is mind blowing for me. I’ve often wondered, why do I believe in that? Why should you believe in something you can’t understand, something other people cant see? There are solutions that we can see and people do understand, why don’t we turn to those things when our world is rocked or we are shaking with fear? Why run to God? I can’t answer that for you, I can only tell you why I do. I believe in peace greater than understanding because sorrow may last the night, but joy comes in the morning. Because my sins are forgiven. Because He blesses His people. Because He gives us more than we could ever ask or think. This is why I can believe in things I don’t understand. I know that His hope is an anchor for my soul, whether I’m anxious or upset He is there sustaining me. My life is His, I trust Him, so I can have peace in my circumstances.

Knowing who I am in Christ and that He is always in control gives me peace in my identity and circumstances. Lastly, we need to have peace with our future. Not only are our circumstances in His hands, but the result of them is His as well. The last part of Galatians 2:20 talks about Jesus’ love for us and that He gave Himself for us. If He loved us then, He will never stop loving us. He will secure for us a hope and a future, He is working all things for His good. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." This verse comes right after a long description of God's power and control over His people. When we are anxious we need to just be still and recognize that the outcome is in God’s hands. Not only that, but the outcome will involve us having a better relationship with our savior. Our struggles bring us closer, our anxiety makes us run to Him and shows us that we can’t handle it on our own.

The moral of what I want to say is this: Taylor Swift was right. You need to calm down. But where she doesn’t provide the solution, the Bible does. We can know a peace that surpasses all understanding. That comes by having peace in who we are, what we’re going through, and our future’s. I am praying that you all have this peace today. Whatever happens in your life that terrifies and shocks you, please don’t forget that you are His. 

Galatians 2:20. 

Read it. 

Live it.

Drawing A Line

As a debater, I've learned to love clarity and definitions. I've discovered the importance in making distinctions between two terms that can blurred in life or in debate rounds. For instance, this year the resolution I'm debating is that culture should value assimilation over multiculturalism. Obviously to debate this, you have to make it clear that they aren't the same thing and show where the differences are. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it seems to draw that line. Is the US assimilated? Or multicultural? If you all follow the same laws, does that make you unified? Or can you pay taxes to a government and still keep the things that make your culture unique? Complicated questions, right?

If you've stuck with me this far and are still reading, then I applaud you. Honestly, today I want to deal with an incredibly controversial and confusing topic, one that I know I don't have all the answers to. Because drawing lines that clarify what you can and can't do is necessary in life. Like, where do you draw the line between having fun and being careless? Or doing good works vs. depending on your good works for salvation? How about between managing your time and being anxious about the future? But the distinction I want to make today is one we don't think about a lot: disrespecting someone vs getting help with an issue that involves them. Specifically, getting help with family issues without dishonoring your parents.

Parents are always getting taught how to deal with a difficult child. But parents are sinners too and most children at some point in their life will be wondering how to deal with a difficult parent.

In Exodus 20:12 we are given the first command that comes with a promise, "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you." To get an idea of what that looks like, pastor Don Wilton outlines a few things that are implied in honoring your parents: Value them, respect them and their experiences, model their godly behavior, protect their dignity and reputation, bring them joy, and provide for their basic needs.

Being respectful means turning to them first if you have an issue. Being respectful mean don’t gossip.
So can you stay inside of these boundaries and still talk to people about your parents?

I think the answer must be yes, and yet this topic still frustrates me because I can't determine how much one can say and to whom they can say it. The reality is that every teenager is going to struggle with their parents to some extent, in those moments of rebellion most of the time it's best to go directly to them and resolve the issue. But how about when that isn't an option? What if you have parents that don't communicate well or you need clarity that they can't provide?

I don't claim to have the right answers, but here's my thoughts.

We understand that respect has to be earned, it isn't just given. For parents, it works differently. We are told that they deserve respect whether or not we feel like they have earned it. So no matter what situation you're in, how bad it looks, or how much you feel like you shouldn't have to respect your parents, you still have to respect them. Before you ever talk about them or to them ask yourself if what you're about to say is respectful. God commands that we honor our parents. So here are some guidelines I've found regarding how to honor them even when you feel like they don't deserve it.

Pray. Before you do anything else, ask God for wisdom. A lot of the time, we just need to rant. Instead of ranting to people about what just happened or how mistreated we feel, tell it all to God. There are problems we are going to have to figure out ourselves, so sometimes turning to other people won't help. If you simply need to rant, then rant to God. He will always listen and love you.

Find someone who can help. If you're complaining to someone who cannot help you in any way, it is disrespectful and counterproductive. You need a voice of wisdom in your life who has gone through whatever you're struggling with and made it out stronger. Turning to friends who can't actually offer sound advice definitely seems like gossip.

Give the facts. To throw in a negative opinion would make the conversation disrespectful and doesn't help anything. But to get help, you do have to lay out the facts. Respecting our parents doesn't mean ignoring the truth. It means speaking the truth in love. So when we sit down with someone to explain an issue we're having that involves our parents, it's ok to address the facts, just do it lovingly.

Put in the effort. If you have gotten advice but you don’t take it and put it into action, then you aren’t actually working to restore your relationship with your parents. The way to remain respectful is to continue trying to get close to them and improve the relationship. If you’re not putting in the work, you are brushing aside all the work they’ve done for you. Once you have gotten godly advice, act on it.

Friends, respect your parents. Do not gossip about them. If you are in a seemingly hopeless situation and your relationship is only getting worse, get help.

If there are parents reading this, I want to implore you to do something. I know may seem naïve and disrespectful for a 16 year old to try to tell you how to parent, but I promise I mean no disrespect. I mean only to tell of what I see and this message would be incomplete if I don’t add this. So I implore to be a safe space for your son or daughter. Admit that you aren’t perfect and be willing to listen. Most importantly, make it clear that you love them because they want nothing more than to be loved by you. Wouldn’t it be better for them to be able to tell you things and ask you for advice instead of someone random? Don’t you want to know when your child is hurting? If you would be that safe space for them; human, imperfect, loving, it will be easy for them to respect you.

We can draw a line between being disrespectful and getting help. Personally, I believe that if you cannot approach your parents to resolve an issue or get guidance without making the problem worse, then it is not disrespectful to turn to other godly council and explain the situation if that individual can actually help you in some way. You may come to a different conclusion or have thoughts that I haven’t considered, if so, please leave a comment or contact me and let me know, I would love to discuss it with you.

Poetry

I used to not like poetry. I didn't see a point in it, it felt too fancy and seemed overly complicated. But then I read a few poems that really captivated me and now I'm addicted. There is a strange power in poetry that makes us want to listen and hear/read more. We somehow feel like we can relate to it more. This is my first attempt at writing poetry, feel free to let me know if I did it wrong. The thing is, so far I've only been able to write about me and things I feel, so this is me being very vulnerable. I haven't written a lot about myself because I want to be speaking to you and trying to spread hope. But for some reason when I try to write poetry I can only write about myself. My wish is that you can still relate to these words and find hope in them. 

***


Underwater


I’m underwater
can’t breathe
floundering in an ocean of my own tears,
swept over by waves of people that don’t care
soaked to the bone with sorrow
weighed down with anxiety.
so deep that if happiness was the sun
I wouldn’t feel the warmth of its rays.
the current of life seems to fight
my every movement.
I am falling in
slow motion,
the pressure makes me dizzy.
the surface, my hope, growing distant.
I’m underwater.

the burdens I bear pull me deeper
like a millstone around my neck.
I hear only my own heartbeat
feel my scars washed clean
maybe there is a beauty here
in the depth.
dark blue sadness,
like water
surrounding me,
making me appreciate its color.
feeling the waves wash me clean.
there is a strange peace,
knowing He holds the oceans in His hands.
He holds me in His hands.
when the current tries to move me,
He is an anchor for my soul.
never have I felt this close
to the One that created me.
He cried drops of blood for me
His love for me is more than
the drops in the ocean.
a love so deep, so wide, I am drowning in it.



***



Seen


What if the one thing I want most
is the one thing I want the least?
What if the thing I hope for
is also what I dread?

my protests are always,
“they don’t understand”
my constant complaint is
that no one knows my struggles
making my greatest wish
to be seen.
seen for who I am,
what I’ve been through,
the struggles I overcome.
there is hope that one day
I will come face to face
with someone who sees
more than just my face.
one who looks deeper,
desires to know me for me,
hears my silent screams for help
that I hide behind smiles.
I want more than anything else
to be seen.


My fears and my hopes are aligned
what I most dread is the day
when I come face to face
with someone who sees
more than just my face.
one who looks deeper and sees me for me
my weaknesses revealed
fears and lies observed and understood
will my struggles be laughed at,
my pain be brushed aside as petty,
and my personality mocked as oversensitive?
life for me has been a contest
I must always be the best
so weakness is something to hide
and pain is disregarded.
for someone to see these hidden things
would be for me to lose the image I cultivate.
more than anything else, I dread
being seen.


I wait,
remaining seen
but unseen
always wondering
always hiding
I escape to my room with my thoughts
pen and paper are my constant companions
they know me
my story is written in their lines.
my room hides me when I write and when I weep
the walls I erect and the walls of my room
serve the same purpose
they keep me from what I want the most
and from what I want the least.
between these walls my truth is unseen.
If the eyes are the windows to the soul,
what would people see if they peered inside?
if the door was opened,
to my room or my heart,
maybe I would be seen for who I am
broken. ugly. scarred. afraid.
hopeful. loved. healed. brave.


Yet people don’t peer deeper
no one sees inside.
until the day when someone sees
my soul, looks under my skin,
peers through my walls
until the day when what I want
and what I dread both occur,
I remain
unseen.



***

Tests

6:30 wake up, feet hit the floor and adrenaline courses through me. I try to slow my thoughts down and focus while speeding through getting ready. 15 minute drive to the foreboding brick building where hundreds of kids are already gathered. An anxious wait for instructions and then I'm led to an uncomfortable chair in the center of a room with 25 other kids around me and a thick stack of paper in front of me. My hands slide over and over the calculator and tap out a rhythm on my desk. This prison-like room on the third floor of the foreboding brick high school will be my cell for the next 5 hours, trapping me as I answer each question in front of me. At this point, there is no escape. 

I feared those moments for 6 weeks, dreaded them every time the thought of taking the SAT crossed my mind. 
I knew that the second I entered that building, there was no way out until I completed the test. And this SAT had given me anxiety for 6 weeks.
Not because I'm afraid of the test, I take tests all the time, but because I was terrified of what it would reveal about me. My score wouldn't simply be a 90% or a 65%, they wouldn't give me a letter grade, they wouldn't even just tell me how I did. The SAT compares me to everyone else in that room, everyone else in the US. Soon, the world will know based on my scores whether or not I am actually as smart as I have worked my whole life to be. So for me, studying for this test wasn't about getting a certain score, it was about getting a certain percentile. 

Because knowing and living with the fact that I was below average, or even just average, seemed horrible.

This mindset is destroying people.

Hundreds of people feel just like I felt that morning, like they were about to know things about themselves that they didn't want to know. They believe that a low score will make them less important or less valuable or prove something negative about themselves. The issue causing this is a lack of pride. And I don't mean arrogance because there is a difference. I mean that we don't take pride in who we are and what we already have, so something as little as a test score can undo us for weeks. Here's what we need to know: we are loved no matter what and our identity is not found in our score. The score can't even truly measure intelligence.

And I know this but sometimes, like on Saturday, I couldn't bring myself to believe it.

The narrative that culture tells us is one of taking pride in our achievements, which is all well and good but definitely not all we're supposed to do. We should be taking pride in God's achievements, in what He has given us, what He has created, the gifts He has blessed us with. 

How we do on the SAT or any other standardized test does not define us and shouldn't change the way we live. There are however tests that should change us and define our relationships with others. The trials we go through everyday and the temptations we face are tests. Whether they seem like a pebble in our shoe or an unmovable mountain before us, these trials show us who we are in God and Whose strength we rely upon. 

Everything is a test. A test of our true commitment to Christ. A test of how strong our love for Him is and how much we will let the world and it's trials get to us. We like to imagine that if we were ever persecuted for our faith we would stand strong and speak truth. But when you're having coffee with a friend, does the truth ever come up in your conversation? We admire people like Paul, who, though stoned and left for dead, never denied Christ, yet we allow a fear of rejection to prevent us from speaking the truth. Let's face everyday prepared to pass the tests that are thrown at us, remembering 1st Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." With the tests we face everyday comes the strength that our faithful God gives us to pass them. All we have to do is find our identity in Him. 

I know, I just went from describing my test day to telling you that you can face temptations, what's my point? My point is this: take pride in who you are in Christ and overcome temptations by His strength. I allowed anxiety to plague me for weeks because of how I might measure up to those around me, don't make that mistake. The tests that are actually significant are the ones that test your relationship with God and your reliance on Him. 

The shelter of His presence

My thoughts were everywhere this week, but I kept coming back to one theme. I didn't conclude anything incredibly life changing, no amazing life lesson dawned on me, and I have no words of wisdom for you. All I have are thoughts that kept me awed and captivated all week. Wanting a place to write them, I created this post not with the intent to educate or inspire but rather to ask questions and hopefully make you think. The theme I kept dwelling on is safety. Specifically, safety in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings.

Reading Psalm 17 last Monday night, I came to verse 8, where David is crying out to God for help and writes, "Hide me in the shadow of your wings."

This idea repeats itself multiple times throughout the Old Testament:  


Psalm 91:1 "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty." 


Psalm 63:7 "For you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy." 

Ruth 2:12; "The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!”


This idea of taking shelter in the Lord really caught my attention. I started thinking that we hide behind a lot of things: our job, our hobby, friends, family, fame, grades. None of those things are inherently bad, but when we run to them for escape or to justify something then they simply offer a false sense of security. Maybe we should stop worrying so much about our physical or emotional safety and get a lot more concerned with our spiritual safety. Because if our life isn't hidden in the shelter of the Most High then we should fear something a lot worse than earthly physical pain, or even, death. Not to say that we should throw caution to the winds, but it is safe to say we can't stop bad things from happening to us no matter how careful we are. In light of the recent tragedies our nation has suffered, we can reaffirm that the only true safety is in the shelter of the Most High. 


When you are upset, what's the first thing you do? Unfortunately, I've found myself coping with pain recently in every way except the way I should have. My shelter has been words or physical pain or friends. This week I was reminded that I need to run to God first. When my world is rocked, when stress threatens to pull me under and I feel hopeless, I remind myself that I am safe in the shelter and shadow that God has given me. 


There is comfort and joy in the shadow of His wings. It is amazing to know that we can never flee from His presence. He doesn't just shelter us sometimes, God is always with us to strengthen us and offer peace. It's like we have a little protective bubble surrounding us, guarding our heart, soothing our pain with words of love. We are safe. He is always a safe place for us.

Those were my scattered thoughts, thanks for sticking with me and reading them all. I hope I made you think, I hope I reminded you of the truth of our relationship with God. These ideas have impacted me in the last few weeks so I hope have they have some effect on your life. If you are a child of God, know that no matter what, you are safe, held close in the shelter of His presence and the shadow of His wings. 

Broken. Beautiful.

People talk about broken hearts, shattered dreams, and crumbling hopes. They complain of the pain that comes with it. They mask those imperfections, ashamed to admit their shortcomings. We live in a world that is afraid of people seeing past our façade, we are embarrassed when the cracks show through. So we cover them and pretend they don't exist. And yes, brokenness is painful. But it's also beautiful. 

In Japan, there is a form of pottery called Kintsugi, which means "golden joinery". Its the Japanese art of repairing broken things and bringing them back together with a lacquer mixed with gold or silver. The result is a piece of pottery that is more complex, beautiful, and valuable then the original piece It treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object rather than something to disguise.

In a world where brokenness is something to be hidden, this is a foreign concept. Instead of discarding broken parts, Kintsugi glues shards of something shattered in a way that doesn't just restore value; it adds to it. 

That is grace. That is what God does in our lives. Our brokenness results in an openness to God's grace, He fills in our cracks, brings us back together, and creates a vessel so much more beautiful than we could have imagined. Those cracks are no longer something to disguise, rather they are part of our redemption story, part of who we are. They add value rather than taking it away.

Friends, my life is far from perfect. My world is ugly and tear stained and battle-filled. And like pottery I have lay on the floor, broken; a dull ache spreading through me as I waited for the scattered shards of my heart to become whole again. I have felt like I only deserve to be swept into the trash. Like so many others, I have gone about my day hoping no one notices my cracks. I disguise my pain, ashamed of my need for repair. But there is a Potter who sees me as more than a broken vessel. He sees my shattered heart as an opportunity to pour out love and healing.

When the world smashes us into a million pieces, puts us under pressure until we crumble, and throws us out with the trash, we have hope. God uses our shattered hearts and souls, God loves our broken pieces. He doesn't fix us and then love us, no, He died for us when we were a mess, cracked and scarred by sin. He didn't die for those who are perfect. Perfection has no need for salvation. He died for the broken. He died for me. And when we accept His sacrifice, grace mends us, glues us back together with a heart for Christ. Our brokenness becomes beautiful in His hands. 

This is grace. This is Kintsugi. A word that I didn't know until Friday became part of my identity. My cracks are joined with gold and now they glitter with worth and value.

Being shattered has never been something we were proud of, we've always hidden it for fear of being judged, fear of being tossed away and discarded like shattered pottery. But Someone loved my broken pieces. Someone put me back together and changed my perspective on brokenness so that I will no longer hide it.

I will embrace it.

I am broken.

I am beautiful because of that brokenness.

You choose

There are things in your life you can't control, but it is your job, your duty, your gift, to change what you do have power over. That change comes with a simple choice.

Maybe life dealt you a hard blow. Perhaps things haven't been fair to you recently. When everything is going wrong and everything you love seems to be crumbling away, isn't it ok for you to complain? To be selfish? To cry and scream and sink into despair because of what has happened? Is it even possible to be happy and grateful despite what life throws in your face? In a world where we want control so much, it's frustrating to see people refuse to control simple things that they should be able to. Because I would say that yes, you do have a choice to be happy and grateful and humble no matter what happens. And yet, so many people insist that they simply can't help it if they are in a bad mood. We don't control everything, but what we can control we must. In the face of adversity, you don't have to be sad or selfish or a victim. You can have joy.

You choose your attitude

No matter who you are, I know there are people around you. Friends, enemies, teachers, coworkers, peers, students. We surround ourselves with different groups of people that influence us every day. And maybe you're a busy person, maybe you're not any good at stopping and having a real conversation, but have you ever considered your influence on others? Whether you know it or not, you are impacting people. Those people may be struggling, even more than you are. Those people might wish they could just get a smile or a kind word. Those people may need someone to remind them that they are loved. And despite how busy you are, despite how many of your problems you're occupied with, you can take time for others. You are in a place that you need to be in for a reason. Be you and change the people around you the way you are supposed to.

You choose your influence

You have people around you, but you want something more. A hand to hold, a person to be more than just friends with. It would just be nice if that person liked you back. Maybe it feels like you can't help but be sharp with everyone else because you're nursing a broken heart. No one understands how you're feeling and you just want to be let alone if they won't take the time to solve your problem. So you brush people aside, thinking you deserve to be terse with those around you. And yet...you won't find a solution in being harsh with those already in your life. Seeking after one particular person to the point that you brush others aside will only hurt you later. You can instead choose to be grateful for the people you do have and give your love to them. Despite how you may want to treat those around you, you don't have to push them away. 

You choose how you interact

You're stuck with your family. You didn't ask to be put in the house you are in with the parents and siblings that surround you constantly. You didn't get to choose where you were placed. And at times, they annoy you and anger you to the point that you just don't want to be around them. Maybe you're just ready to stop even trying to be nice to them, maybe you think it would be better if you retaliated. That's not what your reaction should be though. Love is harder than hate. Yet we are commanded to love. When your emotions seem to be getting the best of you, remember God's command to love. He hasn't given us an impossible mission either. It is within your power to react correctly. You cant control who your family is, but love or hate them, its up to you.

You choose your emotions

Ever find yourself wanting a break? Wishing the world would just stop throwing things at you? In those moments it feels like the only solution is to escape, to crawl back in bed and hide from the problems that bother you constantly. Ignoring the work you have to do is easier. Procrastinating is comfortable. But the ability to solve your problems is in your hands. You can act and address the challenges that are facing you. You rarely have power over your circumstances, but you always have power over the way you behave in them.

You choose your actions

Are you a perfectionist? Are your standards for yourself so high that you constantly find yourself "not enough"? Have you been chasing the worlds idea of beauty and fame? It's tempting, I know. We crave approval from people and search for praise. As humans, we simply want to be accepted and so we tend to seek after that whole heartedly, even when it's unhealthy. Doing that makes us slaves to the world, slaves to our own sin. There is good news though. We serve a Master who says we are enough. We are servants of a good and perfect King who loves us unconditionally. But we can't serve Him and the world. The world's ideas of perfection, fame, money, beauty, and success will call to us and try to draw us away from God. We can't stop that. We don't have power to make the world stop tempting us. There is a choice that we do have though. You can't serve two masters, so will you follow God or the world? Will you chase after the acceptance that you will never get enough of, or serve the Lord who already accepted you for who you are?

You choose your master

They hurt you. They let you down. Your trust and your heart are broken. You tell yourself that this is why you don't trust people, why you don't let them in, why you don't even show them any favor to begin with. Who cares if they apologized, forgiveness won't happen. How can it? How could anyone forgive someone that horrible? And moving on from it? Forget it. This hurt enough that you're sure you can never get passed it. Trust me, I understand that point of view. I know what it's like to hold on to injuries, to cling to my anger, and refuse forgiveness. I've felt the sting of a broken heart. I've suffered from my trust being broken. People have hurt me. But responding incorrectly only hurts worse. It may seem like you can't forgive, like this person doesn't deserve it. But you know what? We don't deserve it either. And yet forgiveness was freely given to us. None of our wrongs are counted against us because our sins are forgotten by God in light of Christ's sacrifice. So who are you to refuse forgiveness from someone who hurt you? If God, who is completely just and holy, forgave us, we can and must forgive. Your anger will only weigh you down and become a chain around your neck. It is for freedom that Christ set us free, so be free by returning evil with good and forgiving those who let you down. Yes, you were hurt, but yes, there is hope.

You choose your response

You have power over certain things, how will you choose to use it?

Being free

On July 4th every year Americans gather together all over the US to celebrate Independence Day. A day when we acknowledge our split with Britain by blowing stuff up and partying. We choose to lay aside our disagreements and forget our nation’s imperfections for the sake of a concept: freedom.

We recognize that the value of our freedom supersedes everything else our nation has to offer. The burden of a tyrannical government is an evil that we don't have to bear because long ago blood was spilled to throw them off our backs. American's know that freedom is worth fighting and dying for and that our liberty is the most important thing we have.

There is another kind of freedom that is also worth dying for. So valuable was this freedom that God sent His own perfect Son to die for it. This is a freedom that we often don't recognize. A liberty from enslavement that we tend to forget, or even, reject. The burden of sin is an evil that we don't have to bear because long ago blood was spilled that removed it from us and laid it on the shoulders of a King. Yet, so often, we trudge through life under the tyrannical rule of our sin.

 We have the ultimate freedom, a freedom that was bought with the ultimate sacrifice.

The Bible tells us that, "Rain falls on the just and the unjust" and we know that everyone goes through hard times. And yet Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I used to wonder how that was possible. The apostle Paul definitely didn't seem to have an easy burden and I read stories of other missionaries who also suffered and died for the sake of the Gospel. If Christians went through so much for their faith, how could it be that His yoke is easy? What kind of freedom was that?

The burden of your sin and it's consequences is greater than anything Christ asks us to bear. Life is going to be hard, and if you accept Christ as your Savior it may get even harder. But because of the freedom we have from sin and the destruction that it leads to, our burden will be light. Not only that, He supplies us with the strength we need to continue in Him. When we take Christ’s burden upon us, He begins leading us away from the destructive path of sin and toward deepened peace and unexplainable joy. His power is made perfect in our weakness and it is in Him that we can find the courage to continue. 

We have the freedom to be completely honest about who we are and the mistakes we make because we know that He has forgiven us and calls us His. We have the freedom to know that we are loved no matter what, because Jesus Christ died for us. We have the freedom to beg forgiveness and nail our sins to the cross, because if we confess our sins and repent we are guaranteed forgiveness. We have the freedom to rejoice always because we know that He gives us the strength to do all things. We have the freedom to experience peace in the middle of great trials because our God is the God of peace and promises to never leave us or forsake us. We have the freedom to persevere, love in spite of pain, encourage others, and hope when life seems hopeless because we know that one day every tear will be wiped away. 

Without that freedom, nothing matters. With it, nothing else has to.

This freedom is given to everyone who repents and believes in the sacrifice Jesus Christ.

I know what enslavement to sin feels like. I know the weight of sin, of anger, of guilt, of disobedience and how those things can pressure you until it feels like you cant breathe. And I know that there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that encompasses you the moment you let go of your sin and accept the freedom Christ offers. Throw off your chains and celebrate your freedom in Christ.

Being careful

You don't know how many times in the last few months I've been told to be careful. It's been drilled into my head so much, it's become the theme of every situation I'm in. That's probably relatable to most teenagers. Be careful who you hang out with, be careful who you go eat with, be careful how you spend your time, be careful about what classes you take, be careful with how you spend your money, be careful with what message you're sending people and what words you say, be careful, be careful, be careful. It sounds annoying sometimes, such a far cry from the narrative the world gives us. Society tells us to be wild, free, rebellious. Do whatever we want with whoever we want whenever we want. Compared to that, being careful doesn't sound so bad. And it's not....

.....But is there a danger to being too careful?

A Paradox

Why is it that we never feel like we have enough time? And yet time seems to crawl by.

How is it that we are always aimed at the future? And yet we can't let go of the past.

Why are we always in a rush but never seem to get anything done?

How are we supposed to keep moving forward and yet pause and remember each moment?

With time comes wisdom, so why is it that the older we get the more we want our childhood back?

I think time, and the way it passes us by, is a paradox. It's impossible to catch a hold of, and yet there are moments that seem to freeze and stand still for you. Albert Einstein said that life is like riding a bike, you must keep moving to stay balanced. He's right, the second we stop planning or hoping or looking for the future is the moment that we lose our balance. And yet, we aren't supposed to take the present for granted, we need to pause and reflect on what we currently have, we need to slow down and breathe. There are those moments when you want time to freeze because everything seems perfect. So we must always keep moving forward, but we must stop and enjoy moments. We get excited about events in the future but once we're in them we don't appreciate them because we're already planning the next the thing, always looking forward to what happens next because that's how we stay balanced. It's a paradox. Maybe that's why time is so confusing for us. Our minds cannot comprehend the way it works. Managing it is such a complicated mystery. That's why we are so fascinated by the idea of eternity and what it would be like to enjoy it. Just trying to think about existing forever is confusing and wonderful. The way we view time and the future and the moments in front of us has contradictory qualities and is amazing to think about. Even just the way we grow up and look back on our life can be confusing. With time comes wisdom, and the older we grow the more we wish we could have our childhood back. There really is no right answer on how to view time or a solution to understanding it. 

All we can do is be thankful for each moment that we get and continue to be hopeful for what God has in store for us.

Relationships

Relationships, friendships, status, logistics, labels, feelings, emotions......all of it seems impossible to figure out. At least to me. But I'm sure I'm not alone, because all of these things become a confusing mess when we apply them to people, especially groups of people. And then life becomes quite a maze through which you have to navigate carefully so as not to step on people's toes or imply something or outright offend anyone. It's way too complicated. Yet, we all find ourselves at some point navigating this maze, so what do we do? Well, I have no idea. I'm just as confused as anyone. So I really can't offer much advice when it comes to dealing with people. Those of you who thought you might get something useful from this, y'all can just stop reading right here. Because when it comes to relationships and friendships and establishing different types of connections with people, I have no idea what I'm doing. But if you're just looking for some random thoughts or want to watch me try to figure this out, stick around. 

Like any good discussion, we must start this conversation with definitions. The world has twisted what our ideas of friendship and relationships should look like and the definitions don't really help. Marriam Webster defines friend as "One attached to another by affection or esteem" or "One that is not hostile" and Oxford dictionary defines it as "A person with whom one has a mutual bond of affection" or "One who is not an enemy".  

Friends are people you are friendly with, which doesn't really narrow things down since it is basically everyone. But there are different levels of friendship, you have close friends, best friends, friends you don't really like, friends you try to avoid. So friend is a pretty broad term......unless you add the word "boy" or "girl" in front of it. And then it becomes a really delicate topic that people have to tiptoe around. Because at that point people start using the term "Relationship", and who knows what that's supposed to mean. "Relationship" has an incredibly broad spectrum of definitions, so for the purpose of the next few minutes, let's just assume relationship refers to a situation where you are getting to know another person based on mutual respect. That way, it can encompass relationships with parents, friends, siblings, and strangers. And I know, that's not what many people think of when they use that word, but that is a lot closer to what it originally meant. 

So I think the question I'm trying to answer is: how do you create a deeper relationship with a guy or a girl without annoying/offending other people, making anything awkward, or ending a friendship? 

This is a very broad question that really applies to any situation with people, because we're always faced with opportunities to deepen friendships. What I want to do is just give some very broad advice, advice that has helped me as I find myself in this confusing mess.

1. Prioritize 

Maybe you've started to look for a relationship, maybe you want to start dating, or maybe you're just happy where you're at. Whichever situation you're in, the most important question you can ask is: "what does my relationship with God look like?" Christianity is so much more than a religion, it is a relationship! It is the most important relationship you will ever have! God promises to give us everything we need, He promises to give us His strength, and He promises us a hope and a future. That is so much more than any human could give you. So don't ever start to put other relationships before your relationship with Christ. Be constantly communicating with Him and constantly seeking to do His will. Prioritize your relationship with God first.

2. Respect

The need for respect can never be overstated. Put the interest of others first, treat everyone like you would want to be treated, and recognize the value of their opinions. Forming new friendships or entering into a relationship doesn't give you an excuse to distance yourself from other friends. Just because you start dating doesn't mean you can disrespect any of your relationships by taking time away from them. Your relationships with your friends, parents, siblings and other people in your life must remain stable. If you respect all the people that you have formed a relationship with, then you will dedicate time to those situations as well as deepening one specific connection. Respect will prevent you from offending/annoying others as well as abandoning the people in your life. 

3. Capitalize

Recently I was around about 450 people for an entire week. During this time I wrote in one of my journals, "There are too many options, too many directions in which I am being pulled. I try to make good use of my time, but it feels impossible right now." There are times in our life that feel like this. And we should question if we are using our time correctly, but we can't let it haunt us constantly. We must make the most of each situation we are in. God put you where you are with the people you know for a reason. Capitalize on each moment with them. Ask yourself how you can make an impact on their day. We MUST make the most of each opportunity. All we can do is seek God's will in each situation as it comes and trust that He is using us the way that will honor Him and benefit us. 

I don't have all the answers. Relationships and friendships and labels....all of it still confuses me. But I have decided that that's ok, maybe even good. I love the people I'm around, I'm thankful for everyone God has placed in my life. And I am constantly dependent on Him to show me how to manage my time around people to influence them in a way that glorifies Him. Please remember to put your relationship with God ahead of everything else in your life. He will show you how to respect others, even in tricky situations. He will teach you how to capitalize on each moment you have with people, even if it feels like you're being pulled in a hundred different directions.