The Story of Four Girls

Dear readers, this post is quite a bit longer because it contains a four different stories. All of these girls are fictional characters with invented struggles that I think are relatable to everyone. I hope it encourages you and brings you hope in your trials.



Cameron:

One foot in front of the other. Take it five minutes at a time. Just keep pushing on, persevere, there is a prize worth fighting for. Cameron repeated the words over and over in her head. A prize worth fighting for. She was told she could make it through this “rough spot”. Only, no one seemed to understand that the rough spot had lasted seven years. In Lamentations, Jeremiah wrote about forgetting what happiness was like. Cameron could relate. Just like Joseph in the prison, she waited in darkness for some glimpse of hope. She had heard all the analogies: she was a sword being beat to perfection, a boat in a storm with an anchor that would never fail, a runner in a race, a climber on a mountain, a diamond being formed, a soldier in a battle. All of the analogies were there to give her hope. For Cameron though, they sounded nice but still left her empty and desperate. She blamed it on her impatience, part of her personality that made her hate delayed gratification. Though she had worked on patience her whole life, it seemed she was stuck with her personality. That personality told her that seven years was too long to wait for a real laugh. Too long to fake a smile.
Emotions kept attacking her and she was ready to be done with this war. The most recent blow had struck this evening and it had brought Cameron to her knees. Thoughts swirled too quickly to interpret, but one stood out: “Enough”. She had had enough. Joseph made it out of prison, Jeremiah still wrote about hope, Paul waited it out during his arrest, but Cameron was not a Bible character or a figure in an analogy. Her armor was bent and torn, cracks evidenced all the battles she had lost despite fighting her hardest. She genuinely believed there was a prize worth fighting for. She dreamed of dying and standing before shining gates to a kingdom she could only imagine the splendor of.
Cameron believed she knew the King of heaven and His Son that had died for her. Through the last seven years of battle she had taken Biblical counseling, immersed herself in Scripture, and prayed until she ran out of words. Even though she had fought with doubt regarding her salvation, R.C. Sproul’s “Chosen By God” had convinced her of her walk with the Spirit, slow as it may be.
Now, all she wanted was to go home.
A home where she knew she was loved. Home to a place where every tear was wiped away. To die is to gain an eternity of joy. Cameron wanted it now. This “phase” of suffering had lasted too long, she had fought too hard, peace on earth was too far. Walking to the nearest bridge was easy, she had dreamed of this moment so many times that her feet moved instinctively. One foot in front of the other. Cameron hurt too much to see the hope through any means besides an impatient jump.
That night, a soldier was lost in the fray.

Catelyn:

Failure. That’s what the piece of paper she held in her hand meant. She had failed. To anyone else it would have been disappointing, to Catelyn it was devastating. Her standards were high and anything short of perfection was failure. She blamed that on her family. The mindset her parents had drilled into her still shaped her goals today even though she was almost done with her first year of college. Of course, she had never been told she had to be perfect, but it was generally understood. Her older brother had handled that expectation, he had always been exactly what their parents wanted and earned a full ride scholarship to Harvard.
For Catelyn, perfection didn’t come as naturally. Queen Elsa from Frozen became her hero and lines like, “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be, conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know” became her philosophy from a young age. Her parents always stated that they were raising adults, not children, and everyone was expected to act like it. She thought back to 6th grade when she brought home a report card with a B+ and was terrified to show her parents, at least it was a B+ not a B- which she had hoped would help. They hid their disappointment well, but Catelyn was sure it was there. The next year she had started changing her grades before bringing them home. An 86% was scratched out to become a 96%. C’s turned into B’s before her parents could see them and a vertical line was added to any minus symbol. As hard as she tried, as much as she lied, it was never enough.
In her mind, she was never enough.
She had scraped her way through high school as best she could, never losing the façade she thought her parents wanted to see. Now in college, Catelyn was an excellent student and well pleased with her grades which placed her in the top of every class. Because she demanded perfection of herself, everyone around her gradually came to expect it from her. They had never seen anything less from Catelyn. By any standard, she was far above average. Now, though, all of that disappeared. This failure couldn’t be hidden. A failed test was too far from perfect for Catelyn. A failed test. She failed. Failure. Her thoughts moved logically from one conclusion to the next. She couldn’t hide this from her parents. Her brother had never failed a test. What would her peers think now that she had fallen so far below their expectations of her? She would have to redo the class which meant asking for more money from her parents since she hadn’t gotten a scholarship. How could she ever face them? She was so disappointed in herself, how could she ever be so stupid? Pondering her options, Elsa’s words again came to her mind, “A kingdom of isolation….no escape from the storm inside…conceal, don’t feel…” She was so sick of being what everyone else wanted, tired of living the isolated life of a perfect princess.
Catelyn wanted to let it go. Wanted to never fail again. Everything in her life pointed to one option, it made sense, it was justified. Failures don’t deserve a second chance and there was no other way. The fairy tale world everyone thought she had crumbled before her eyes.
Only one task was left for Catelyn, and this time she didn’t fail.

Cassidy

Her whole world was being shaken and she just wanted something to hold onto. Wave after wave of change, hardship, and tragedy struck her in endless blows that left her gasping for air. Cassidy only wanted an anchor in the storm, a rock that wouldn’t move. As she suffered, she was dimly reminded of the God she had been told of as a child who was sometimes described as a firm foundation. The people at church seemed to find stability in Him, maybe she could too. But no. That God wouldn’t have her, not like this. She couldn’t stop crying much less kneel and put together eloquent sounding words that would bend His ear. Besides that, she hadn’t been to church that week, life had gotten busy and she simply couldn’t make it.
No, she didn’t want that God.
She blamed her church for that. Of course, no one ever knew that. In church, she was the quiet girl in the back. Tired of hearing about God, tired of feeling like she knew everyone but no one knew her. If she had ever been asked her testimony the answer would have come easily, just like she had rehearsed, “Oh you know, I was raised in a Christian family and prayed the prayer at a young age, I’ve been part of a reformed church ever since”. But she was never asked. To Cassidy, that seemed normal. She didn’t think someone in a church should ever ask such a personal question, people only told their testimonies at baptisms. She was fine with not being asked just like she was fine with never having to pray out loud. Prayer didn’t come easily for her; Cassidy hated sitting perfectly still, hands folded, eyes closed, head bowed, speaking eloquent words laced with Scriptures ending in a solemn “amen”. The only prayers she really said were muttered through sobs as she lay on a mascara stained pillowcase in her room at night.
She wished God was more like the God people sang about, the Father who would stand up from His throne and open His arms as He called out her name. This God would have more love for her than there were drops in the ocean. For Cassidy, music had made her feel closer to God than any sermon or family devotion ever had. Those wishes for a God of love were drilled out of her head by a father who implied that God hated Democrats and a pastor who taught of a God that predestined some people to burn in Hell. Cassidy rejected the God she was taught about. Convinced that He would reject her, she would not run to God. Everything else had been stripped away when her world was rocked by explosions that pierced her heart. When the tears had been shed and the dust settled, Cassidy found nothing to hold on to. Her hands were empty except for the pills gathered in a pile on her palm. There was nothing left to hold on to, so she decided to let go.
The tragedy that struck her in endless blows finally ended in a last gasp for air.

Cara

180 days left. Half of a year. Cara couldn’t do it, something needed to change. She was counting down the days until she could go to college and start a new life, but it was too far and she didn’t think she could make it. She had tried her whole life to be perfect, to be who everyone else wanted to see, but she failed. Cracks had formed in the façade, her mask was slipping and that terrified her. Anything less than perfect was devastating. She blamed her family for that. Though she had been told over and over by close friends that perfection didn’t have to be her standard and even though she sometimes believed them, it was still hard to live out.
She wanted so desperately to be perfect.
She was reminded every day of how far short of that she fell. Dimly, Cara was reminded of what she truly knew and believed: that God loved those that fell short.
Her Savior loved her and defined her as priceless.
It wasn’t always easy for Cara to see that though, she blamed her rough start with God on her church. It had been so easy to pretend that she knew God for so long, she had never been asked her testimony and the picture of God she heard wasn’t always appealing to her. Prayer seemed stressful and formal, Cara couldn’t string words and Scriptures together as eloquently as everyone else. For such a long time, she simply existed on the outskirts of church, feeling pushed away and choosing to push God away. Music had changed that. When Cara learned that God’s love for her was more than the drops in the ocean and that He would stand up from His throne and open His arms as He called out her name she knew she wanted to believe in that God. She finally began to read her Bible devotedly and learned that even broken prayers, the ones she muttered through sobs while laying on a mascara stained pillowcase, were acceptable to God. Now, she believed.
Though she remained in the same church, Cara had started looking for other girls that felt as she used to and trying to help them. Her life finally had hope, she felt accepted. But even that couldn’t stop the rough moments. Those were the moments when Cara simply wanted to go home. Home to a place where every tear was wiped away. She had fought faithfully for Christ, and now was ready to quit the battle. Joseph made it out of prison, Jeremiah still wrote about hope, Paul waited it out during his arrest, but Cara didn’t want to be them, she was tired of waiting. She blamed it on her personality. Impatience was a character trait she hadn’t ever conquered, that part of her that demanded instant gratification.
Maybe she was a sword being hammered to perfection, but she was tired of that pressure. Perhaps she was a diamond being formed but Cara no longer wanted to take the heat. She was a soldier fighting in a war, but felt that it was someone else’s turn, she had won enough battles. Surely she had earned the prize by now, she wanted so desperately to see the kingdom full of splendor, light, and joy.
Cara could simply be a soldier lost in the fray. She could set only one more task before her and this time not fail. Cara could choose to let go and cease gasping for air through the pain she felt. To die is gain. Gain. To die is to gain. Paul’s words repeated themselves in her head. To die is gain. But. But to live is Christ. To live is Christ.
Thoughts swirled faster but one stood out, "Enough".
Living for Christ was enough.
She was enough to Him.
That was enough.
180 days left. Life could change completely after that, but God never would. In that half a year, she could change. Oh to learn to serve like Christ served, to teach like He taught, to love like He loved. Cara knew she would never be able to do it, but she would give everything to glorify the God that loved her in spite of her pain, scars, tears, broken prayers, and sin. So one step at a time, one day at a time, she would grow into a better little-Christ. To live is Christ. To live is to serve, love, give, glorify. There was nothing left in her life worth holding on to. So she let go and gave it all to God.
She chose life.

You know one of these four girls. Maybe even all four. They all just want someone to give them hope, show them love, and accept them. On their behalf I beg you to do that. Perhaps you are one of these girls, maybe their story resonated with you. If you’re Cameron, remember that we can find joy in running the race faithfully until God calls us home to a perfect place. Catelyn, you are not a failure, you are priceless in the eyes of God and He will accept you as you are. And Cassidy, search for the truth about God and you will find that He loves you and chose you. Cara, keep fighting for what you know about God, keep battling the struggles, keep taking life one day at a time. Choose the One Who is Life every moment of every day. 

Reaching for the bar

I've always been told to begin with the end in mind. Does that sound familiar? The question is though, what is the end? Is it achieving our goals? What if it's something even better, what if it's failing at what we thought we wanted and reaching something higher? What if our goal is too easy and we find ourselves challenged by something completely unexpected instead?

For the last two weeks I have ridden my bike to the same spot, parked by the same swings....and... failed at the same task.

This park isn't far from my house and is my favorite place to go swing (yes I'm still a kid and love to swing) because the swings are set higher up off the ground than most. Recently, I brought a friend to this park and he challenged me to jump up and grab the bar that the swings hang from. I couldn't. As much as I tried, I failed again and again. The bar was simply too high. 

When it comes to goals though, I don't think you can ever set the bar too high. Excellence is to be strived for and caught hold of, dreams are meant to be seized, standards are there to be met and set even higher.
I believe that we should set lofty life goals, dream big even if we feel like it's impossible, because those big dreams lead us to work hard and become better.

The Bible has quite a lot to say on hard work and excellence, we are also warned against the opposite: laziness. Proverbs 6:6-8 says, "Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. Without having any chief, officer, or ruler, she prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest." The New Testament tells us to do all things as though we were doing them for the Lord, which ought to be a huge motivator to strive for excellence. Often we're told that losing is ok, we shouldn't be competitive cause we could hurt someone's feelings, or that winning isn't all that valuable. While I agree that we need to be ok with losing and winning isn't the only valuable thing, I still think there's a place for the kind of challenge that comes through trying to be the best. "Iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" -Proverbs 27:17. Trying to be the best at whatever we do cultivates a mentality of excellence that Christians should desire.

I heard an illustration a few weeks ago that talked about how hard we work on assignments for professors who grade our work. The professors that aren't super strict, are annoying, or don't command much authority make us not want to work as hard on their assignments. The more we respect the professor and the more we desire his approval the harder we work on the assignment. So if you're professor is God, how hard are you going to work on the assignment? Is it just enough to do things to check the box and get it done? Or will you push yourself constantly to become better and chase higher goals?
Let's be competitive, strive to win, work hard, and become the best we can be because that's what it means to work as though you were doing it for the Lord.

Set your bar as high as you can. Desire to do something significant, from there you can take baby steps. But don't make the baby step your real goal or lose sight of what you really want to accomplish. Keep things doable, set the next step, but don't get bogged down in the details and let go of your dreams just because they feel so distant. What is it you really want to achieve in life? Not like in the next semester or the next week, but in life what do you want to get done? Often in life, the little things consume enough of our time that we think they are the big things, getting a great job becomes the end goal rather than using that great job to achieve your real goals. Yeah, we all want a great job but we should want that job so that we can do the other things in life that we want even more, the big dreams we have. And when we reach the bar we've set, let's aim even higher.
In the pursuit of excellence we should set goals that seem almost impossible, standards that actually challenge us and push us to the next level. We ought to never settle for where we are.

After two weeks of biking to this park and jumping as high as I could (I'm sure people thought I was crazy), I finally caught a hold of the bar that held the swings up. No, this didn't really count as a life goal but to do something I thought was impossible felt really good. One of my life goals is graduating college when I am 18, I set that when I was only 14 years old. It felt impossible and it was definitely crazy, but now I'm only two semesters away from graduating with my Bachelor's degree in business. People have so much potential that often isn't realized because we fail to reach high enough. Let's set our goals high and reach for them until we get them. Never ever give up on dreams regardless of how impossible they seem. 

aWkWaRdNeSs

Dear awkwardness, 

You go by many names, disguise yourself in many ways, yet you constantly lurk in the corners of our minds and haunt us to no end. Embarrassment, self-consciousness, shame, guilt, self-doubt, fear, they are all just tools you use to convince us of something that is simply not true. At every large gathering you cause at least one girl to hide on the outskirts of the crowd. At tournaments, you make people wander away alone for long periods of time. You pester people with petty questions and make them sound significant, convincing people that they aren’t smart enough, pretty enough, cool enough, normal enough, strong enough or good enough. You’ve wasted our time and stuck us in the corner in shyness. You tell us that everyone else is laughing at us, or will if we slip up even a little. Our imaginations run wild at all the horrible situations you could make for us. 

So we create fake personalities and pretend to be “cool”, whatever that means. 

You try to stop “just friends” from being friends, tarnish relationships, and haunt breakups. In silence you scream words at us. Every person thinks you’re only plaguing them, you isolate us so well and befriend us until you’ve consumed our thoughts all the time. 

You tell us we don’t belong here when in reality you are the intruder. 

Somehow you make us tell ourselves we are only a street rat, we are the riffraff, unfit to stand in the presence of others. You make us out to be the bad guy, the raincloud on a sunny day, the one haunting everyone else but you are the real monster. 

Defeating you only takes a simple mindset shift, a realization that everyone feels awkward at times and we can easily push through it. You are broken when we have the humility to laugh at ourselves, the love to look beyond ourselves, and the confidence to own who we are. 

Awkwardness, you would rather me not spill all your secrets but we both know that a simple smile can drive you away. C.S. Lewis detailed instructions for your demise when he penned the words,
“Be weird, be random, be who you are because you never know who would love the person you hide”.

The self-doubt that surrounds us in your presence causes us to hide what makes us beautiful but we will still fight you at every turn. We are chosen. We are special. We are loved. Regardless of the lies you spit in our ear, our hearts remain priceless. We belong here because this is where God put us. Awkwardness has no place in a mind that is set on Him. As ambassadors for Christ, we will spread the message of hope and belonging until no one feels your presence any more.

The Moments We Fight For

Thunderstorms hit everyone.

For some, they last forever: stretching on and on, turning spring into winter and joy to sorrow and leaving us in a state of perpetual darkness. Distantly, we can remember the twilight, the last glimpses of happiness before the sun set, and anxiously we look ahead to the time when the clouds will be blown away and the skies clear. In that waiting though, we start to forget what happiness felt like. We only feel weight, rain, and wind pushing against us. We trudge forward, wanting to hope for something better but afraid of the disappointment that chills our hearts. Then one day...we see daylight. Dawn appears and rays of feeling break through our emotional numbness. We feel....different. Happy. Those memories of darkness are never far from our minds but we cling tight to the present moment and realize suddenly that this is why we kept moving forward. We walked through the winter so we could feel the sun on our skin again. And that moment when we do is amazing.

Like a firework exploding, joy finally fills every part of you again. Your soul soars higher somehow, as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Chin up, you feel like you can face the world. A song on your mind and a smile on your lips, you march out to seize the day. All of a sudden, you can get out of bed easily again, you had forgotten what that was like. You look in the mirror and realize the smile on your face isn't forced. You hear your favorite song and it doesn't make you cry. When you see old friends they say you look different. Finally you can breathe again, laugh again, hope again. This is the moment you fought for. This is a moment worth fighting for.

I recently heard the trials of life described as a wave, they come in and cover us, we have to swim hard to just stay afloat as the hardships hit. Then the wave draws back. You're left on dry ground again, looking out over the water. A moment passes and then another wall of water comes at you and you go under again. The moments where you can stand on your feet are worth the ones when you are swimming for your life. That's a lot like how life is. For much of our lives, we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, telling ourselves over and over that it will be worth it when we get out, we just have to keep going. When you reach the other side and you're on the peak of a mountain it suddenly hits you that this is why you kept going. This moment, this feeling, made all of it worth it.

I don't know what part of your journey you're at right now.
Maybe the sky has just now cleared for you and your taking in the moment of relief. Perhaps you're underwater, fighting for every breath. Wherever you are, take a chance to remember all the best moments of your life, the times when you were incredibly happy and felt tremendously blessed. Cling to that feeling. Memories of those perfect times will help you get through the dark nights. The next time a taste of heaven comes, thank God for getting you through what felt like hell, thank Him for making it all worth it by renewing your joy, soak up every bit of relief you feel and just enjoy the moment.

If/When you're struggling against a storm that you don't think will end, remind yourself that joy comes in the morning, it always does. It's watching a sunset over a mountain, sitting under the stars in silence with friends, dancing your heart out with an awesome group of people, graduating in the back of a pickup truck, slow dancing to the perfect song, being with all your favorite people doing exactly the right things, it's pausing for a second and realizing that nothing could get better right now.

These are the moments we fight for.

Prayer

For about a year I have been trying to write this post on prayer, but I kept reaching roadblocks in my writing out of fear of making prayer sound like something that it's not. I have struggled to find one common theme to write a coherent post, so I divided this into sections that are entirely different. It's all about prayer and it's all just my thoughts.

Simplicity of prayer
Last week, I staffed a day camp and worked with 5 year-old's everyday which once again convinced me of my desire to write and post on this subject. After months of brainstorming, hesitating, and rewriting, a few thoughts finally clicked: prayer isn't complicated. During Bible Study with this group of kids one day, one of my co-workers asked if anyone knew how to accept the free gift of salvation that God is offering. A girl raised her hand and said, "You just ask, "Can I have it please?"". She was absolutely right. How many gifts do we just not ask for? Asking isn't hard, it only takes the faith of a child. We are saved by simply asking if we could have that salvation. Like a father, God is pleased when we pray this way, not with all the fancy words but with a simple question. He promises that anything we ask for in His name He will give to us (John 14:13, Matthew 18:19, Matthew 21:22). Prayer is not complicated, salvation is ours if we just ask.

Living on a prayer

The truth found her. A young girl growing up in a Christian home finally listened to the words she was hearing. She knelt that night and prayed a simple prayer. Praying brought her life, a new life by faith she had never known before.

The lies were winning. She was ready to give up, tired of being strong, running from faith. Going to God was the last thing on her mind, but someone somewhere was on their knees asking God to give her strength. Prayer saved a life that night, a life that existed despite the lies.

He had always known the truth. When he entered the temple to pray that day, he genuinely believed he was talking to God but didn't expect to be faced by an angel with a promise and a prophecy. Zachariah's prayer was answered and his son prepared the way for the Savior that was to bring new life.

Surrounded by four squads of guards, he probably knew that the church was praying for his release from jail. When darkness had fallen, a light appeared and the Christian leader was guided through an iron gate that miraculously opened. Peter's arrival at the house where believer's were praying was such a shock that the servant forgot to let him in. Prayer spared a life that night.

Prayer has the power to bring life and save lives just as it does in these short examples. The phrase, "living on a prayer" has been common ever since the rock band Bon Jovi created a song by that name and I think that phrase is a applicable to the Christian life. Christians live because of a prayer we prayed in which we confessed our sins and believed in Jesus. Just as we live because of prayer, we should make it a big part of our life style. Many people have literally lived on a prayer, since prayers have saved so many lives. If we are alive in Christ because of prayer, why don't more of us live on a prayer? Prayer to the One that gave us life should be a big part of our lives. Turning to God in thanks, in praise, for help, or any other reason ought to be our way of life.

Prayer brings change
Much has been written about prayer and I know I can't tell you anything you haven't already heard. But I can repeat it and reminded you of the work God does when His people pray. Honestly, it still amazes me to hear or read the stories of the way God's hand moves to answer prayers. Sometimes the change is small, other times it's earthshattering, but when God answers prayers it really does bring change. Not only does prayer move God's hand to change circumstances or bring blessings, it also changes us. Every day that we turn to God in prayer we are establishing Him more certainly as the King of our heart. Prayer shows us our dependence on Him, humbles us, and reminds us that we aren't in charge. I want to live each day becoming more submissive to God by humbly turning to Him first. One of the most important aspects of prayer is the way we are changed by it.

The habit of prayer
Can I ask you a question?
When is the last time you prayed?

Praying often is a hard habit to get into because sometimes you feel close to God and other days you want nothing to do with Him. I get it. I know a few people who pray like I wish I did. Like I strive to. It's not obsessive like, "God should I walk out of my room with my left or my right foot first?" but it is indicative of a close friendship. It's...familiar. Like He actually is their Father. That's how I want to live: in close fellowship with my Savior, praying often and making it real. We are in a relationship and talking to God is one of the biggest blessing of being a Christian. There doesn't have to be any distance or formality, awkwardness or attempts at the right words. Prayer is a conversation with the Friend Who saved your life, the Father who loves you the most, it should be familiar and close. When our lives are hit by something big, it should knock us off our feet and onto our knees in prayer. When good news arrives, praise God in prayer. When you feel alone and lost, cry out to the Good Shephard who is always with you.

I know that was a lot of random things and I probably repeated myself quite a bit, but I think that's ok. I believe prayer is very easy for us to take for granted and being reminded of it's power can be helpful. If nothing else, I hope these short thoughts made you consider your prayer life. Our relationship with our Father is the most important thing in this life, I strongly encourage you to deepen that relationship each day through prayer. 

A Real Answer

It used to be that whenever anyone asked how I was, my response was the average, well-used one that everyone expects to hear, “I’m good”. It was never a lie; just not meant the way it was said. What I really meant, and what I think is true for a lot of people when they say those words, was something like this:

I’m good at running from my problems
straight into another mess of evil.
Good at pretending I can solve them
but that’s when the confusion peaks.
I’m good at pretending to pray,
Yet I haven’t felt close to God in weeks.
I’m good at staying up all night,
man I practice that all the time.
It’s like the problems won’t even leave
long enough for me to get some sleep,
so I’m good at pacing back and forth
and staying on my feet.
I’ve gotten better at cleaning up messes,
but only after I make them.
Doing just fine at disguising my tears,
you wouldn’t believe how often I cry.
The truth is I’ve been hurting,
but I won’t ever let you know.
I’ve just been going through the motions
answering the questions like I’m supposed to
careful not to say the rest of that sentence
and let my pain show.
I’ve been good at not letting my hands shake,
hiding how much I just want to break,
playing the music extra loud,
getting lost in the words for a while.
I’ve gotten better at changing my voice
so you think I’m smiling when I answer the phone.
Doing fine at waving goodbye
so you won’t see the hurt in my eyes.
Truth is, I’ve been good at looking at people
and giving “I’m good” as a reply
but you don’t know
how many times I had to practice
standing in the mirror
and trying to hide the scar in my smile.
Sure, I’m good, but not like you think.

I’m good, I’m fine, doing well, hanging in there……all those normal responses to questions like, “how are you?” or “how have you been?” disguise a life that is far from perfect. The reality is that we are all hurting, broken sinners. And yes, we all have good weeks so our responses don’t always hide problems, but it’s still not a very descriptive answer. I used to give one of those average responses. Now, I refuse to give the answer that people are expecting to hear. I’m tired of saying the same words I said when I knew it was a lie. So I give my own response, and when you hear me answer your questions with, “I’m here”, this is what I mean:

I’m here, praise God!
He chose a place for me
to bring me joy and Him glory.
Struggling through the darkness,
I’m here searching for light.
Getting hit by the same temptations,
but still choosing to fight.
Standing here is proof
that my God is in control.
You have no clue
how many mountains had to move
for me to be here.
Maybe I don’t want to fight the next battle
perhaps I’m tired of walking forward
but right here, right now, this moment
is a victory because I’m here.
My response may be tired,
it probably has notes of reluctance,
I shrug my shoulders when I answer
yet I am still here.
Other times, this answer
contains quite a bit of fear.
Yeah, I’m here but barely.
Drowning, struggling, hurting
here I am, someone save me.
This is my cry for help
can’t you see? can you hear me?
grab my hand and pull me up.
I don’t know why
I don’t know how
I don’t know for what
but somehow I’m here.
In God’s place, moving at His pace
I’m here, Lord take and use me.
Friend, I’m here for you.
Broken ones, I’m here with you.
Fellow soldiers, I’m here beside you.
Ask how I am and you’ll get a real answer
“I’m here, how are you?”

Three themes

Hi guys! Over the last four weeks I've been blessed with a lot of time to read and have gotten through 22 different books. Many of these were Christian advice books that gave me a lot to think about as well as practical ways for growing closer to the Lord. As I read, I began to find similar themes that each Christian book would at least touch on, so three themes were drilled into my head quite a bit. I don't have anything original or super inspirational for you, but I do want to share these ideas with you.

1. Who rules your heart? What do you desire? Ultimately, we do what we do because we want what we want. If Christ rules your heart than your ultimate desire is to glorify Him and even if you aren't perfect at that (which no one is) you will get better at it each day. The war of words is won in your heart, the battle against sin is a battle against desires, your life is transformed when you know who’s you are. Your identity and where your heart belongs was a big part of each Christian book. 

2. Grace is strong enough to help you win any battle, and it's free! Sin is already defeated, and if you're in God than you are dead to sin. The real battle has already been won and Christ has given you grace to help you continue to love Him and grow in faith. You’re not expected to be perfect because He was perfect for you. You can conquer any sin because of His grace working in you, you can speak love because he loves, you can live a life that reflects Christ only because He gives you the grace to do so. The battle has been won and your fight is transformed into something courageous, beautiful, and honoring.

3. Community is key. All the books at least mentioned accountability with faithful Christians and they all talked about fellowship in the church. Church has never been that for me, but I am trying harder now to find a community with them than I used to be. One book described church as broken, hurting sinners coming to admit their imperfections and help others grow spiritually. For me, its always been trying to avoid awkwardness and looking as perfect as I can. I don’t have the relationship with my church that I should, and all of these books admonished me for that. As I read, I began to see my relationship with this community of Christians as lacking and learned a few things to help me fix it.

Those are my three, very brief takeaways. Obviously, that's not all I learned from what I read but they were a common factor in each book. The Christian books I read are:

Chosen By God by R.C. Sproul

Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick

The Cost Of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

5 Things Every Christian Needs To Grow by R.C. Sproul

It's Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst

Love Does by Bob Goff

Shame Interrupted by Edward Welch

War Of Words by Paul David Tripp

Diehard Sins by Rush Witt

Made For More by Hannah Anderson

Kursk

In August of 2000, the Russian submarine Kursk was wracked by two onboard explosions and tragically sank to the bottom of the Barrants Sea. There is controversy regarding what actually happened, but the most likely option is that one of their torpedoes was faulty and exploded on board resulting in a fire in the torpedo room that caused the second explosion. All but 23 of the original 118 crew members died in the explosions. It was five hours before the Russian navy even tried to contact the sub resting on the bottom of the sea. The crew, freezing cold and desperate for oxygen and food, weighted anxiously for rescue. Four failed attempts were made to rescue the crew. They stayed alive for at least three days, banging on the walls of the sub every hour to let the world know they were still alive. They listened to the rescue ship land and take off four times. At least two of the crew wrote letters, saying they were trapped and couldn’t get out. 

Unfortunately, they never would. 

Nine days after the explosion, divers were able to access the compartment where the 23 men had held on for as long as they could. There were no survivors.

It’s a tragic story of political failure and a myriad of mistakes. I hurt at the thought of what those men went through on the ship, waiting for rescue only to run out of time. How many of us feel like that in our lives? Desperate for help yet feeling unheard. Banging on the walls of our cage to try to escape. Hoping against hope that we can make it. Make it out. Make it out alive. Running out of air, feeling the cold seep through us, anxious and starving. The people in our life that we trusted to keep us from drowning can’t find the solutions fast enough so we are trapped.

Right now, it's easy to feel like a soldier on the Kursk. The explosions that keep hitting us leave us, our economy, our plans, and our nation sinking fast. Maybe we feel like we've hit rock bottom, hundreds of pounds of pressure keeping us stuck in our sunken world. We cry out and listen for a response but know that the world can't rescue us. The hours pass by and more plans disintegrate in the current that swept us off our feet. In this world that looks hopeless it's easy to feel ourselves beginning to sink away into the darkness of despair. But we are not a tragic story of failure and a myriad of mistakes. We are not simply the soldiers of the Kursk: we are survivors.

Christians have been given an instruction manual for every situation, one that speaks to the desperation of their circumstances yet still gives hope. For us, it is no longer a matter of waiting on others for rescue, but rather accepting the solution that has already been given. We have already been rescued. Death is behind us, not in front of us because we already died with Christ and have a new life in Him.

The One who is an anchor for our soul is with us even at this depth. Even when our tears threaten to drown us I know that He counts every one. Our world is very clearly a ship that is sinking fast, but we have everything we need for life and godliness already. Cling to it, and you will be more than a conqueror in Him Who loves you.

The puzzle of salvation

Top left corner: a quick rejection of an opinion. Brushed off like it was insignificant, so she felt insignificant.

Top right corner: a harsh word. It felt unfair, she didn’t think she deserved it but she must have since it was said so firmly.

Bottom left corner: a disinterest. No questions were asked about her. No one showed care for her thoughts, words, desires, or dreams. 

Bottom right corner: an uninterrupted stream of criticism. She can’t do anything right, or if she can, she is never told so. Nothing big is ever said about anything big, it’s the little things that slowly wear away at her soul.

And so the pieces of her life fall into place. Lines stretch across the top and bottom, connecting rejection and harsh words, disinterest and criticism. Ignored and unloved comprise the lines on the sides. Slowly, the edges of the puzzle come together. She is in the middle. Trapped by the way she was framed in, desperately trying to put the pieces together to create a more hopeful picture but it’s all so fragile she feels hopeless. Hopelessness begins to color the pieces around her, tainting them a deep shade of blue fading into black. Another fight, another piece falls into place. Another tense day, another piece falls into place. Another lost dream, and, even though she feels a hole, the reality is that a hole in the puzzle is being filled. Words like “unwanted, worthless, hurt, broken” surround her. Lie by lie the puzzle comes together, so tightly knit that truth can hardly fit between the cracks. The corners, the edges, the dark pieces, it comes together over the years. Yet as the picture of pain becomes complete, the girl's heart remains a missing piece. It doesn’t belong to this landscape of hurt. Her heart is priceless. It is kept until the day when she looks beyond the circumstances that frame her and sees a Savior. On that day, a heart of gold, filled with the light of the Spirit, will be placed in the center of the puzzle, transforming the delicate picture in a glorious image. 

To the Senior Class of 2020

It happened in one moment, but it took 12 years. They graduated high school that day. A short walk across the stage, quick smile for the camera, and the diploma became theirs. There were laughs and tears, friends and relatives, there had been months of planning and a plethora of invitations sent out. But on that day, it was over. They got that moment of pride and satisfaction, that speech that challenged them to make a difference, those hugs from loved ones that wished them well. They graduated high school with a bang.

Class of 2020, you have also worked hard for 12 years, but you may never get that moment. Last year, as juniors, you watched the senior group take a bow and toss their caps in the air, dreaming of the day when you might do the same. Now, so many of us are faced with the reality that those dreams won’t come true. There has never been a perfect graduation, but at least others get a graduation. Yeah, it feels like we are missing out due to unprecedented times. This senior class, however, might actually have something better: an opportunity. In a world full of fear, we can be the hope. In an unprecedented time we can blaze a trail forward.

Seniors, I cannot tell you anything you haven’t already heard, but I can remind you of it. You are amazing. You are strong. And with or without a graduation to prove it, you are loved. You don’t get a specific celebration, so make life your celebration. Live each day remembering your accomplishments and looking forward to the new ones. Our world is in desperate need of strong leaders. It is up to us to make a powerful change, to bring the light of Christ to bear on darkness. I challenge you to make an impact. You wont leave high school with the traditional bang, but you can make one wherever you land. Maybe they don’t know our names today, but we, class of 2020, will not be forgotten.

Therefore, I will hope in Him

Sometimes it's hard to remember that real people in real situations wrote the Bible. They were all inspired by God and every word is from Him, but they were penned by sinners who struggle, hurt, face difficult times just like we do. When I read Lamentations 3 it wasn't hard to remember that. I related with the words of Jeremiah so much that it was easy to picture what he was feeling. Jerusalem was in ruins, the people were suffering, and hope probably didn't seem realistic. I love this chapter but it's long so I pulled a few of the paragraphs to comment on.

Jeremiah 3:1-9
"I am the man who has seen affliction

under the rod of his wrath; 

he has driven and brought me

into darkness without any light;
surely against me he turns his hand
again and again the whole day long.

He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;

he has broken my bones;

he has besieged and enveloped me

with bitterness and tribulation;

he has made me dwell in darkness

like the dead of long ago.

He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;

he has made my chains heavy;

though I call and cry for help,

he shuts out my prayer;
he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;
he has made my paths crooked."

We are all walled in right now. As plans cancel, our escape routes are cut off and we're stuck. The anxiety that comes with that is a heavy chain. We've been praying since January. At least, I have. Prayers for help, prayers for healing, prayers for hope. Prayers said over and over until I forgot why I was doing it or Who I was talking to. Prayers repeated until I forgot what talking to God was really like. Every time I would ask someone a tough question I would get told to pray about it. And I did until it got to the point where I was frustrated when people told me to pray, I wanted to scream that prayer wasn't helping, God wasn't listening, every word was being shut out and thrown back at me while all my plans were blocked with stones. Jeremiah said it for me.

3:16-18
"He has made my teeth grind on gravel,
and made me cower in ashes;
my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the Lord.”

The fear makes us cower, not outwardly but nonetheless we feel it, it robs us of our peace. There is so much tragedy and pain both surrounding us and in our own lives that happiness can seem far. Have you forgotten what it is? I have memories, I remember, but it feels pretty distant right now. And persevering to it takes endurance that I don't think I have right now. At one point I know we have all been able to say that our hope has perished from the Lord. In times of trial, hope is hard to hold onto. That's why Jeremiah's next words are pretty shocking.

3:19-26
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth."

This is faith. Despite how hopeless things seem, how much suffering he sees, how afflicted he feels, Jeremiah knows and can honestly say that the love of the Lord never ceases. He doesn't see how his situation is mercy, but He knows that God's mercies are new every morning. The same person who is bereft of peace and forgot what happiness is also believes that God is and will continue to be good to him. What a powerful image of hope in suffering. What an amazing display of trust despite fear.

3:37-41
"Who has spoken and it came to pass,
unless the Lord has commanded it?
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that good and bad come?

Why should a living man complain,
a man, about the punishment of his sins?

Let us test and examine our ways,
and return to the Lord!
Let us lift up our hearts and hands
to God in heaven."

Whatever comes to pass, it comes from the command of God. He is the chessmaster, the weaver, the stage manager, the painter, all of the analogies mean the same thing: He sees the whole picture and controls everything. So let's lift up our hands and praise Him for that. Let's examine our ways and return to the Lord. In broken prayers, worn out prayers, painful prayers, desperate prayers, let's return to Him.

3:55-60
“I called on your name, O Lord,
from the depths of the pit;
you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
your ear to my cry for help!’
You came near when I called on you;
you said, ‘Do not fear!’

“You have taken up my cause, O Lord;
you have redeemed my life.
You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord;
judge my cause.
You have seen all their vengeance,
all their plots against me."

Where can we go to escape the presence of God? Whether we are in the midst of the fiercest storm, cast away from all of society, plunged in the center of a raging sea, or stuck in the depths of a pit, God is there. He hears. When we cry out He comes near and tells us not to fear. He isn't a silent observer, He is an active comforter. Do not fear. He has taken up our cause and will never stop fighting for us. Our life has been redeemed. This is the truth we must never let go of. Our life is His and He won't ever let anyone snatch us from His hand. God's love is steadfast, His mercies are new every morning, He is here in the midst of our struggles. That doesn't make life easy. Jeremiah still suffered and he watched his people suffer. He knew what tragedy and loss and fear are. And he isn't afraid to voice those emotions to God. His words connect with us, they feel so real because we sympathize with his hurt.
Things look dark. People are afraid. Hope feels distant. But God is faithful and His love is steadfast, therefore, I will hope in Him.

Losing a dream

A while ago, I wrote about a dream of mine that I achieved and one that has kind of become my life goal. But the desires of our heart are many and along the way we plan new things and aim for new achievements. We never stop dreaming. Sometimes we get there, sometimes we give up, sometimes we simply have to let go. I had to let go. I lost a dream. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Right now, dreams seem to be dying all around us: graduations canceled, weddings postponed, camps rescheduled, trips take a rain check and are proms delayed. The things we pray about and long for don't always happen. God always answers our prayers, but sometimes that answer is "No". There are a lot of "No's" right now. So what do we do when dreams die?

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." -Colossians 3:3

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:14

Don't stand still, keep moving but refocus. Proverbs says that the Lord will direct our steps, but in order for that to be true, we have to keep walking. Through trials, through valley's, through the ashes of the dead dreams, through the mistakes and the losses, we walk forward in faith setting our mind on Christ and His plans for us. John Waller in his song "Faith Is Living" writes, "I wish I could see just three steps in front of me, but the lamp unto my feet, it only moves when I take a step." We are being guided toward a future that is hopeful, we only have to keep taking steps forward. Sometimes that means losing a dream.

Now don't get me wrong, the Lord delights to give us the desires of our heart. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him and He loves to see us rejoicing in blessings. That doesn't mean we always get the things we want but it does mean we will always get the things we need. This dream I had was something I thought I needed and definitely something I desperately wanted. When I got a no I had to realize that it wasn't what I needed. I regret losing that dream, it hurts and it's hard. My plans and hopes were set on it and when that dream died I felt like my world would fall apart. But when we think our world is falling apart we have to realize that it's actually falling into place. It will all make sense in time. So, in Christ, we must move on. Make plans according to what you believe God wants and then dream of things that you can do that will glorify Him and bring you joy. In the song "He's Always been Faithful" by Sara Groves we get the following truth, “I can’t remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain. I can’t remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand. All I have need of his hand will provide. He’s always been faithful to me” God will be faithful and bring His promises to pass.

If you've lost a dream recently, you're not alone. Being told "no" hurts and it doesn't often make sense. But let's continue to walk forward in faith. Keep dreaming, keep trusting, keep praying. And one day it will all fall into place.

Adding up

I really wanted to write a post for today and I found something I had written while taking a math test last week. Honestly, I can't stand math and I generally end up writing random things instead of working the problems. Like the post on Friday, this one is also short, I hope you like it.

I'm tired.

I can be the paragon of obdurate diligence but I cannot win this war against sorrow. I cannot solve the inequality of my life or factor the equations thrust at me. Numbers swirl around as I stare at the mathematical equation called life. Possible solutions come to mind, none of them seem right. What am I doing? Pretending to be smart may get me through Algebra but not through life.

I'm the impossibility, the only problem on the test with no solution,

I'm tired because emotional days bleed into emotional nights like ink bleeding through pages. Everything in my mind is at war, I'm feeling divided as the pain multiplies. I'm solving for unknown emotions that come without reason. Supposedly math is logical but I prefer words to numbers. I think of everything I've strived for and it simply doesn't add up to perfection, it never will. Subtract the trials from my life and I might be ok but that kind of math can't be done.

Solve for X, plot the Y co-ordinate, write the answer. Maybe I don't have the solution, maybe I'm tired of looking for it. Someone give me a co-ordinate to anchor my life on and then I can plot the course. Write an answer? I'm staring a thousand questions in the face with no formula for finding an answer. My problems add up, my sin multiplies, my soul divided as my tears reach to infinity. But infinite in love He still reaches down to me in my doubt. The wages of sin are death but He paid it all with His life. The pain I feel is only a fraction of the pain He went through when He bore the cross for me. 100% of my sin was paid for by one Man. It doesn't add up. The solution is found in His love, the formula is rather simple: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I will anchor my life on Christ and cling to hope because I know He has already plotted out the course of my life. When the swarm of numbers threatens to overwhelm me I hear the words, "It is finished" and remember the sacrifice that divided the curtain of the temple. When Jesus is applied, my mess of problems is converted into a standard form that yields a simple answer: glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

I'm here

I’m asked, “How are you?”
It’s a familiar question, I give a familiar answer: “I’m here”.
“I figured that”, comes the reply, “I didn’t think I was talking to a ghost.”

A ghost.
My mind clung to that idea, maybe I am a ghost; just a shadow of what I was, an apparition floating around haunting others. I feel empty, drifting through life blown by wind. To those who can’t see me I am a memory and nothing more. Maybe I'm just a whisper in the dark, a voice that can’t be heard, tears that can’t be seen, a soul with no body.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel pain.
I would no longer be hungry for anything, thirsty for what I can’t have, seen for something I’m not. Words would pass through me, commands go over my head, and sins be behind me.
All it takes is giving in to one temptation and I become a ghost.
One temptation. One desire. One guilty pleasure. One moment.
A ghost.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel love.
I would no longer have arms wrapped around me, hands holding me, voices encouraging me, friends supporting me. I wouldn’t hear the prayers for me, wouldn’t see people beside me.
My footsteps wouldn’t be seen, actions would have no impact; only a memory, not a legacy.

To live is Christ.

So I give a familiar answer each time:
“I’m here.” God isn’t done with me yet
“I’m here.” I’m still fighting
“I’m here.” Hear my voice, see my tears, know my soul.
Only a shadow of what I will be, moving through life directed by God, He isn’t done with me.

Fear Itself

Fear is a hard master. It always becomes the master if you let it in, even just a little. It worms its way into our hearts and stays even when we think its not there. It's persuasive, like a snake offering forbidden fruit, we tend to seize it without thinking twice about what we're doing. Supposedly the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So why let it control us now? And yet, it's so hard to identify and resist.
Right now, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm probably not going to get sick, and if I do, I'll probably be ok, right? So why can I not relax? Why am I looking over my shoulder constantly? I've decided I'm scared. I have a theory:
I'm scared of change.

Aren't we all?
Change means instability, instability means we don't have control, control means safety and when see that control disappear....we get scared. That control is always an illusion, but its one we buy into so easily. We create our illusions of security and tell ourselves that we trust God, it's only when our world shatters that we really test that faith. Right now, there is a lot of instability. I definitely thought I was ok though. My family and I are fine, I'm homeschooled so very little of my routine has been interrupted, I'll probably be ok. I'm not scared of right now. So many people have it worse than I do. Yet, fear is a worm that works it's way into our hearts and minds. For a long time I didn't know it was there and once I diagnosed it I couldn't find the cause. But my theory remains: I'm scared of change.

I'm scared that life has interfered and changed my future, the future that I was clinging to and longing for. I'm scared I'll never get to go to prom, never graduate, not get to do what I want this summer, never see some friends again. I'm scared that my plans to graduate college early have been dashed, my dreams shattered, my life.....changed.

So the reason I can't sleep at night? Maybe it's fear. Fear is the thing that makes my breaths come in short gasps, makes the tears stream unendingly, its the thoughts that keep me up at night and the tension that mysteriously bothers me.
But I'm a Christian, so fear can't control me, right? I know how to take every thought captive, how to be anxious for nothing and pray, how to fear God and not man. The issue is, I also know how to run. Run from my problems, run to the wrong things, escape the emotion of fear for a while. And actually engaging in Spiritual warfare? That's a process. It's one step in the right direction at a time, taking things slow and trusting always.
I know all the right answers, I can check all the boxes and I really am trying to.
I'm trying to talk to God more, trying to memorize more, read more, trust more. Trying to ask, "what would Jesus do?" more and then do it. I can't say that I've succeeded very often, but every victory is made through Christ who strengthens me.

This is not your average Christian lecture about why you should stop being afraid and put your trust in God. This is not me berating you for lack of faith or begging you to pray more. This is me telling you that I'm scared. This is me admitting I have no control and asking Him to work through my trying and take control of my life.

Being a Christian doesn't mean you aren't scared. It doesn't mean that you learn to give up control easily nor do you become an expert on trust. Religion is about trying to the right thing even when you don't feel like it and asking God to take care of the rest. It is a process of sanctification that takes a lot of repenting for going in the wrong direction. Christianity means having courage, trusting in spite of fear and continuing on in faith.
Fear is a hard master. When you give it in inch, it takes a mile. Fighting to take back that ground is slow, and it's hopeless without God. I'm not saying you have no reason to be afraid, in fact, now looks like the perfect time to be scared. But I know of a Master who's burden is light and Who's name is Love. Being His bondservant brings joy and peace.
Who is ruling your heart?