A Real Answer

It used to be that whenever anyone asked how I was, my response was the average, well-used one that everyone expects to hear, “I’m good”. It was never a lie; just not meant the way it was said. What I really meant, and what I think is true for a lot of people when they say those words, was something like this:

I’m good at running from my problems
straight into another mess of evil.
Good at pretending I can solve them
but that’s when the confusion peaks.
I’m good at pretending to pray,
Yet I haven’t felt close to God in weeks.
I’m good at staying up all night,
man I practice that all the time.
It’s like the problems won’t even leave
long enough for me to get some sleep,
so I’m good at pacing back and forth
and staying on my feet.
I’ve gotten better at cleaning up messes,
but only after I make them.
Doing just fine at disguising my tears,
you wouldn’t believe how often I cry.
The truth is I’ve been hurting,
but I won’t ever let you know.
I’ve just been going through the motions
answering the questions like I’m supposed to
careful not to say the rest of that sentence
and let my pain show.
I’ve been good at not letting my hands shake,
hiding how much I just want to break,
playing the music extra loud,
getting lost in the words for a while.
I’ve gotten better at changing my voice
so you think I’m smiling when I answer the phone.
Doing fine at waving goodbye
so you won’t see the hurt in my eyes.
Truth is, I’ve been good at looking at people
and giving “I’m good” as a reply
but you don’t know
how many times I had to practice
standing in the mirror
and trying to hide the scar in my smile.
Sure, I’m good, but not like you think.

I’m good, I’m fine, doing well, hanging in there……all those normal responses to questions like, “how are you?” or “how have you been?” disguise a life that is far from perfect. The reality is that we are all hurting, broken sinners. And yes, we all have good weeks so our responses don’t always hide problems, but it’s still not a very descriptive answer. I used to give one of those average responses. Now, I refuse to give the answer that people are expecting to hear. I’m tired of saying the same words I said when I knew it was a lie. So I give my own response, and when you hear me answer your questions with, “I’m here”, this is what I mean:

I’m here, praise God!
He chose a place for me
to bring me joy and Him glory.
Struggling through the darkness,
I’m here searching for light.
Getting hit by the same temptations,
but still choosing to fight.
Standing here is proof
that my God is in control.
You have no clue
how many mountains had to move
for me to be here.
Maybe I don’t want to fight the next battle
perhaps I’m tired of walking forward
but right here, right now, this moment
is a victory because I’m here.
My response may be tired,
it probably has notes of reluctance,
I shrug my shoulders when I answer
yet I am still here.
Other times, this answer
contains quite a bit of fear.
Yeah, I’m here but barely.
Drowning, struggling, hurting
here I am, someone save me.
This is my cry for help
can’t you see? can you hear me?
grab my hand and pull me up.
I don’t know why
I don’t know how
I don’t know for what
but somehow I’m here.
In God’s place, moving at His pace
I’m here, Lord take and use me.
Friend, I’m here for you.
Broken ones, I’m here with you.
Fellow soldiers, I’m here beside you.
Ask how I am and you’ll get a real answer
“I’m here, how are you?”