Three themes

Hi guys! Over the last four weeks I've been blessed with a lot of time to read and have gotten through 22 different books. Many of these were Christian advice books that gave me a lot to think about as well as practical ways for growing closer to the Lord. As I read, I began to find similar themes that each Christian book would at least touch on, so three themes were drilled into my head quite a bit. I don't have anything original or super inspirational for you, but I do want to share these ideas with you.

1. Who rules your heart? What do you desire? Ultimately, we do what we do because we want what we want. If Christ rules your heart than your ultimate desire is to glorify Him and even if you aren't perfect at that (which no one is) you will get better at it each day. The war of words is won in your heart, the battle against sin is a battle against desires, your life is transformed when you know who’s you are. Your identity and where your heart belongs was a big part of each Christian book. 

2. Grace is strong enough to help you win any battle, and it's free! Sin is already defeated, and if you're in God than you are dead to sin. The real battle has already been won and Christ has given you grace to help you continue to love Him and grow in faith. You’re not expected to be perfect because He was perfect for you. You can conquer any sin because of His grace working in you, you can speak love because he loves, you can live a life that reflects Christ only because He gives you the grace to do so. The battle has been won and your fight is transformed into something courageous, beautiful, and honoring.

3. Community is key. All the books at least mentioned accountability with faithful Christians and they all talked about fellowship in the church. Church has never been that for me, but I am trying harder now to find a community with them than I used to be. One book described church as broken, hurting sinners coming to admit their imperfections and help others grow spiritually. For me, its always been trying to avoid awkwardness and looking as perfect as I can. I don’t have the relationship with my church that I should, and all of these books admonished me for that. As I read, I began to see my relationship with this community of Christians as lacking and learned a few things to help me fix it.

Those are my three, very brief takeaways. Obviously, that's not all I learned from what I read but they were a common factor in each book. The Christian books I read are:

Chosen By God by R.C. Sproul

Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick

The Cost Of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

5 Things Every Christian Needs To Grow by R.C. Sproul

It's Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst

Love Does by Bob Goff

Shame Interrupted by Edward Welch

War Of Words by Paul David Tripp

Diehard Sins by Rush Witt

Made For More by Hannah Anderson

Kursk

In August of 2000, the Russian submarine Kursk was wracked by two onboard explosions and tragically sank to the bottom of the Barrants Sea. There is controversy regarding what actually happened, but the most likely option is that one of their torpedoes was faulty and exploded on board resulting in a fire in the torpedo room that caused the second explosion. All but 23 of the original 118 crew members died in the explosions. It was five hours before the Russian navy even tried to contact the sub resting on the bottom of the sea. The crew, freezing cold and desperate for oxygen and food, weighted anxiously for rescue. Four failed attempts were made to rescue the crew. They stayed alive for at least three days, banging on the walls of the sub every hour to let the world know they were still alive. They listened to the rescue ship land and take off four times. At least two of the crew wrote letters, saying they were trapped and couldn’t get out. 

Unfortunately, they never would. 

Nine days after the explosion, divers were able to access the compartment where the 23 men had held on for as long as they could. There were no survivors.

It’s a tragic story of political failure and a myriad of mistakes. I hurt at the thought of what those men went through on the ship, waiting for rescue only to run out of time. How many of us feel like that in our lives? Desperate for help yet feeling unheard. Banging on the walls of our cage to try to escape. Hoping against hope that we can make it. Make it out. Make it out alive. Running out of air, feeling the cold seep through us, anxious and starving. The people in our life that we trusted to keep us from drowning can’t find the solutions fast enough so we are trapped.

Right now, it's easy to feel like a soldier on the Kursk. The explosions that keep hitting us leave us, our economy, our plans, and our nation sinking fast. Maybe we feel like we've hit rock bottom, hundreds of pounds of pressure keeping us stuck in our sunken world. We cry out and listen for a response but know that the world can't rescue us. The hours pass by and more plans disintegrate in the current that swept us off our feet. In this world that looks hopeless it's easy to feel ourselves beginning to sink away into the darkness of despair. But we are not a tragic story of failure and a myriad of mistakes. We are not simply the soldiers of the Kursk: we are survivors.

Christians have been given an instruction manual for every situation, one that speaks to the desperation of their circumstances yet still gives hope. For us, it is no longer a matter of waiting on others for rescue, but rather accepting the solution that has already been given. We have already been rescued. Death is behind us, not in front of us because we already died with Christ and have a new life in Him.

The One who is an anchor for our soul is with us even at this depth. Even when our tears threaten to drown us I know that He counts every one. Our world is very clearly a ship that is sinking fast, but we have everything we need for life and godliness already. Cling to it, and you will be more than a conqueror in Him Who loves you.

The puzzle of salvation

Top left corner: a quick rejection of an opinion. Brushed off like it was insignificant, so she felt insignificant.

Top right corner: a harsh word. It felt unfair, she didn’t think she deserved it but she must have since it was said so firmly.

Bottom left corner: a disinterest. No questions were asked about her. No one showed care for her thoughts, words, desires, or dreams. 

Bottom right corner: an uninterrupted stream of criticism. She can’t do anything right, or if she can, she is never told so. Nothing big is ever said about anything big, it’s the little things that slowly wear away at her soul.

And so the pieces of her life fall into place. Lines stretch across the top and bottom, connecting rejection and harsh words, disinterest and criticism. Ignored and unloved comprise the lines on the sides. Slowly, the edges of the puzzle come together. She is in the middle. Trapped by the way she was framed in, desperately trying to put the pieces together to create a more hopeful picture but it’s all so fragile she feels hopeless. Hopelessness begins to color the pieces around her, tainting them a deep shade of blue fading into black. Another fight, another piece falls into place. Another tense day, another piece falls into place. Another lost dream, and, even though she feels a hole, the reality is that a hole in the puzzle is being filled. Words like “unwanted, worthless, hurt, broken” surround her. Lie by lie the puzzle comes together, so tightly knit that truth can hardly fit between the cracks. The corners, the edges, the dark pieces, it comes together over the years. Yet as the picture of pain becomes complete, the girl's heart remains a missing piece. It doesn’t belong to this landscape of hurt. Her heart is priceless. It is kept until the day when she looks beyond the circumstances that frame her and sees a Savior. On that day, a heart of gold, filled with the light of the Spirit, will be placed in the center of the puzzle, transforming the delicate picture in a glorious image. 

To the Senior Class of 2020

It happened in one moment, but it took 12 years. They graduated high school that day. A short walk across the stage, quick smile for the camera, and the diploma became theirs. There were laughs and tears, friends and relatives, there had been months of planning and a plethora of invitations sent out. But on that day, it was over. They got that moment of pride and satisfaction, that speech that challenged them to make a difference, those hugs from loved ones that wished them well. They graduated high school with a bang.

Class of 2020, you have also worked hard for 12 years, but you may never get that moment. Last year, as juniors, you watched the senior group take a bow and toss their caps in the air, dreaming of the day when you might do the same. Now, so many of us are faced with the reality that those dreams won’t come true. There has never been a perfect graduation, but at least others get a graduation. Yeah, it feels like we are missing out due to unprecedented times. This senior class, however, might actually have something better: an opportunity. In a world full of fear, we can be the hope. In an unprecedented time we can blaze a trail forward.

Seniors, I cannot tell you anything you haven’t already heard, but I can remind you of it. You are amazing. You are strong. And with or without a graduation to prove it, you are loved. You don’t get a specific celebration, so make life your celebration. Live each day remembering your accomplishments and looking forward to the new ones. Our world is in desperate need of strong leaders. It is up to us to make a powerful change, to bring the light of Christ to bear on darkness. I challenge you to make an impact. You wont leave high school with the traditional bang, but you can make one wherever you land. Maybe they don’t know our names today, but we, class of 2020, will not be forgotten.

Therefore, I will hope in Him

Sometimes it's hard to remember that real people in real situations wrote the Bible. They were all inspired by God and every word is from Him, but they were penned by sinners who struggle, hurt, face difficult times just like we do. When I read Lamentations 3 it wasn't hard to remember that. I related with the words of Jeremiah so much that it was easy to picture what he was feeling. Jerusalem was in ruins, the people were suffering, and hope probably didn't seem realistic. I love this chapter but it's long so I pulled a few of the paragraphs to comment on.

Jeremiah 3:1-9
"I am the man who has seen affliction

under the rod of his wrath; 

he has driven and brought me

into darkness without any light;
surely against me he turns his hand
again and again the whole day long.

He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;

he has broken my bones;

he has besieged and enveloped me

with bitterness and tribulation;

he has made me dwell in darkness

like the dead of long ago.

He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;

he has made my chains heavy;

though I call and cry for help,

he shuts out my prayer;
he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;
he has made my paths crooked."

We are all walled in right now. As plans cancel, our escape routes are cut off and we're stuck. The anxiety that comes with that is a heavy chain. We've been praying since January. At least, I have. Prayers for help, prayers for healing, prayers for hope. Prayers said over and over until I forgot why I was doing it or Who I was talking to. Prayers repeated until I forgot what talking to God was really like. Every time I would ask someone a tough question I would get told to pray about it. And I did until it got to the point where I was frustrated when people told me to pray, I wanted to scream that prayer wasn't helping, God wasn't listening, every word was being shut out and thrown back at me while all my plans were blocked with stones. Jeremiah said it for me.

3:16-18
"He has made my teeth grind on gravel,
and made me cower in ashes;
my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the Lord.”

The fear makes us cower, not outwardly but nonetheless we feel it, it robs us of our peace. There is so much tragedy and pain both surrounding us and in our own lives that happiness can seem far. Have you forgotten what it is? I have memories, I remember, but it feels pretty distant right now. And persevering to it takes endurance that I don't think I have right now. At one point I know we have all been able to say that our hope has perished from the Lord. In times of trial, hope is hard to hold onto. That's why Jeremiah's next words are pretty shocking.

3:19-26
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth."

This is faith. Despite how hopeless things seem, how much suffering he sees, how afflicted he feels, Jeremiah knows and can honestly say that the love of the Lord never ceases. He doesn't see how his situation is mercy, but He knows that God's mercies are new every morning. The same person who is bereft of peace and forgot what happiness is also believes that God is and will continue to be good to him. What a powerful image of hope in suffering. What an amazing display of trust despite fear.

3:37-41
"Who has spoken and it came to pass,
unless the Lord has commanded it?
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that good and bad come?

Why should a living man complain,
a man, about the punishment of his sins?

Let us test and examine our ways,
and return to the Lord!
Let us lift up our hearts and hands
to God in heaven."

Whatever comes to pass, it comes from the command of God. He is the chessmaster, the weaver, the stage manager, the painter, all of the analogies mean the same thing: He sees the whole picture and controls everything. So let's lift up our hands and praise Him for that. Let's examine our ways and return to the Lord. In broken prayers, worn out prayers, painful prayers, desperate prayers, let's return to Him.

3:55-60
“I called on your name, O Lord,
from the depths of the pit;
you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
your ear to my cry for help!’
You came near when I called on you;
you said, ‘Do not fear!’

“You have taken up my cause, O Lord;
you have redeemed my life.
You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord;
judge my cause.
You have seen all their vengeance,
all their plots against me."

Where can we go to escape the presence of God? Whether we are in the midst of the fiercest storm, cast away from all of society, plunged in the center of a raging sea, or stuck in the depths of a pit, God is there. He hears. When we cry out He comes near and tells us not to fear. He isn't a silent observer, He is an active comforter. Do not fear. He has taken up our cause and will never stop fighting for us. Our life has been redeemed. This is the truth we must never let go of. Our life is His and He won't ever let anyone snatch us from His hand. God's love is steadfast, His mercies are new every morning, He is here in the midst of our struggles. That doesn't make life easy. Jeremiah still suffered and he watched his people suffer. He knew what tragedy and loss and fear are. And he isn't afraid to voice those emotions to God. His words connect with us, they feel so real because we sympathize with his hurt.
Things look dark. People are afraid. Hope feels distant. But God is faithful and His love is steadfast, therefore, I will hope in Him.

Losing a dream

A while ago, I wrote about a dream of mine that I achieved and one that has kind of become my life goal. But the desires of our heart are many and along the way we plan new things and aim for new achievements. We never stop dreaming. Sometimes we get there, sometimes we give up, sometimes we simply have to let go. I had to let go. I lost a dream. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Right now, dreams seem to be dying all around us: graduations canceled, weddings postponed, camps rescheduled, trips take a rain check and are proms delayed. The things we pray about and long for don't always happen. God always answers our prayers, but sometimes that answer is "No". There are a lot of "No's" right now. So what do we do when dreams die?

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." -Colossians 3:3

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:14

Don't stand still, keep moving but refocus. Proverbs says that the Lord will direct our steps, but in order for that to be true, we have to keep walking. Through trials, through valley's, through the ashes of the dead dreams, through the mistakes and the losses, we walk forward in faith setting our mind on Christ and His plans for us. John Waller in his song "Faith Is Living" writes, "I wish I could see just three steps in front of me, but the lamp unto my feet, it only moves when I take a step." We are being guided toward a future that is hopeful, we only have to keep taking steps forward. Sometimes that means losing a dream.

Now don't get me wrong, the Lord delights to give us the desires of our heart. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him and He loves to see us rejoicing in blessings. That doesn't mean we always get the things we want but it does mean we will always get the things we need. This dream I had was something I thought I needed and definitely something I desperately wanted. When I got a no I had to realize that it wasn't what I needed. I regret losing that dream, it hurts and it's hard. My plans and hopes were set on it and when that dream died I felt like my world would fall apart. But when we think our world is falling apart we have to realize that it's actually falling into place. It will all make sense in time. So, in Christ, we must move on. Make plans according to what you believe God wants and then dream of things that you can do that will glorify Him and bring you joy. In the song "He's Always been Faithful" by Sara Groves we get the following truth, “I can’t remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain. I can’t remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand. All I have need of his hand will provide. He’s always been faithful to me” God will be faithful and bring His promises to pass.

If you've lost a dream recently, you're not alone. Being told "no" hurts and it doesn't often make sense. But let's continue to walk forward in faith. Keep dreaming, keep trusting, keep praying. And one day it will all fall into place.

Adding up

I really wanted to write a post for today and I found something I had written while taking a math test last week. Honestly, I can't stand math and I generally end up writing random things instead of working the problems. Like the post on Friday, this one is also short, I hope you like it.

I'm tired.

I can be the paragon of obdurate diligence but I cannot win this war against sorrow. I cannot solve the inequality of my life or factor the equations thrust at me. Numbers swirl around as I stare at the mathematical equation called life. Possible solutions come to mind, none of them seem right. What am I doing? Pretending to be smart may get me through Algebra but not through life.

I'm the impossibility, the only problem on the test with no solution,

I'm tired because emotional days bleed into emotional nights like ink bleeding through pages. Everything in my mind is at war, I'm feeling divided as the pain multiplies. I'm solving for unknown emotions that come without reason. Supposedly math is logical but I prefer words to numbers. I think of everything I've strived for and it simply doesn't add up to perfection, it never will. Subtract the trials from my life and I might be ok but that kind of math can't be done.

Solve for X, plot the Y co-ordinate, write the answer. Maybe I don't have the solution, maybe I'm tired of looking for it. Someone give me a co-ordinate to anchor my life on and then I can plot the course. Write an answer? I'm staring a thousand questions in the face with no formula for finding an answer. My problems add up, my sin multiplies, my soul divided as my tears reach to infinity. But infinite in love He still reaches down to me in my doubt. The wages of sin are death but He paid it all with His life. The pain I feel is only a fraction of the pain He went through when He bore the cross for me. 100% of my sin was paid for by one Man. It doesn't add up. The solution is found in His love, the formula is rather simple: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I will anchor my life on Christ and cling to hope because I know He has already plotted out the course of my life. When the swarm of numbers threatens to overwhelm me I hear the words, "It is finished" and remember the sacrifice that divided the curtain of the temple. When Jesus is applied, my mess of problems is converted into a standard form that yields a simple answer: glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

I'm here

I’m asked, “How are you?”
It’s a familiar question, I give a familiar answer: “I’m here”.
“I figured that”, comes the reply, “I didn’t think I was talking to a ghost.”

A ghost.
My mind clung to that idea, maybe I am a ghost; just a shadow of what I was, an apparition floating around haunting others. I feel empty, drifting through life blown by wind. To those who can’t see me I am a memory and nothing more. Maybe I'm just a whisper in the dark, a voice that can’t be heard, tears that can’t be seen, a soul with no body.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel pain.
I would no longer be hungry for anything, thirsty for what I can’t have, seen for something I’m not. Words would pass through me, commands go over my head, and sins be behind me.
All it takes is giving in to one temptation and I become a ghost.
One temptation. One desire. One guilty pleasure. One moment.
A ghost.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel love.
I would no longer have arms wrapped around me, hands holding me, voices encouraging me, friends supporting me. I wouldn’t hear the prayers for me, wouldn’t see people beside me.
My footsteps wouldn’t be seen, actions would have no impact; only a memory, not a legacy.

To live is Christ.

So I give a familiar answer each time:
“I’m here.” God isn’t done with me yet
“I’m here.” I’m still fighting
“I’m here.” Hear my voice, see my tears, know my soul.
Only a shadow of what I will be, moving through life directed by God, He isn’t done with me.

Fear Itself

Fear is a hard master. It always becomes the master if you let it in, even just a little. It worms its way into our hearts and stays even when we think its not there. It's persuasive, like a snake offering forbidden fruit, we tend to seize it without thinking twice about what we're doing. Supposedly the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So why let it control us now? And yet, it's so hard to identify and resist.
Right now, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm probably not going to get sick, and if I do, I'll probably be ok, right? So why can I not relax? Why am I looking over my shoulder constantly? I've decided I'm scared. I have a theory:
I'm scared of change.

Aren't we all?
Change means instability, instability means we don't have control, control means safety and when see that control disappear....we get scared. That control is always an illusion, but its one we buy into so easily. We create our illusions of security and tell ourselves that we trust God, it's only when our world shatters that we really test that faith. Right now, there is a lot of instability. I definitely thought I was ok though. My family and I are fine, I'm homeschooled so very little of my routine has been interrupted, I'll probably be ok. I'm not scared of right now. So many people have it worse than I do. Yet, fear is a worm that works it's way into our hearts and minds. For a long time I didn't know it was there and once I diagnosed it I couldn't find the cause. But my theory remains: I'm scared of change.

I'm scared that life has interfered and changed my future, the future that I was clinging to and longing for. I'm scared I'll never get to go to prom, never graduate, not get to do what I want this summer, never see some friends again. I'm scared that my plans to graduate college early have been dashed, my dreams shattered, my life.....changed.

So the reason I can't sleep at night? Maybe it's fear. Fear is the thing that makes my breaths come in short gasps, makes the tears stream unendingly, its the thoughts that keep me up at night and the tension that mysteriously bothers me.
But I'm a Christian, so fear can't control me, right? I know how to take every thought captive, how to be anxious for nothing and pray, how to fear God and not man. The issue is, I also know how to run. Run from my problems, run to the wrong things, escape the emotion of fear for a while. And actually engaging in Spiritual warfare? That's a process. It's one step in the right direction at a time, taking things slow and trusting always.
I know all the right answers, I can check all the boxes and I really am trying to.
I'm trying to talk to God more, trying to memorize more, read more, trust more. Trying to ask, "what would Jesus do?" more and then do it. I can't say that I've succeeded very often, but every victory is made through Christ who strengthens me.

This is not your average Christian lecture about why you should stop being afraid and put your trust in God. This is not me berating you for lack of faith or begging you to pray more. This is me telling you that I'm scared. This is me admitting I have no control and asking Him to work through my trying and take control of my life.

Being a Christian doesn't mean you aren't scared. It doesn't mean that you learn to give up control easily nor do you become an expert on trust. Religion is about trying to the right thing even when you don't feel like it and asking God to take care of the rest. It is a process of sanctification that takes a lot of repenting for going in the wrong direction. Christianity means having courage, trusting in spite of fear and continuing on in faith.
Fear is a hard master. When you give it in inch, it takes a mile. Fighting to take back that ground is slow, and it's hopeless without God. I'm not saying you have no reason to be afraid, in fact, now looks like the perfect time to be scared. But I know of a Master who's burden is light and Who's name is Love. Being His bondservant brings joy and peace.
Who is ruling your heart?

His Story

Normally, a story is the culmination of a team’s efforts. It requires years of writing, editing, rewriting, review, and a multitude of editors, publishers, and patience.

Your story is different though. So is mine.

It was written by one Author. An Author Who's pen never wavers, hand never shakes, Who memorized every word before He made it known. My story isn’t just my “10-day story” that I think about constantly, it isn’t my “gymnastics story” that seems really important to me, it isn’t the story of what happened on my 17th birthday or on March 21st, my story is so much bigger than that. It’s being written by God. Really, I just play the role of a character in God’s story, my part is only a page in the much bigger book of history. It starts with being wonderfully and fearfully made, it includes running a race that has been set before me, and I want it to end with the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” The epilogue will contain an eternity of glorifying God and rejoicing to be in His presence. Nothing in my life has been left to chance, every twist and turn was known and the Hero has already conquered the Villain, I have already been saved from the grasp of evil and the rest of my story will reflect that. I’m excited to see the impact it will have on the other characters and even the story as whole. I can see my story being written and I don’t know what the next part will contain, but I’m willing to wait and pray that it points to and glorifies the Author.

History is always His story. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, completely sovereign, everything that happens is known and controlled by God. Wars rage, lives change, sickness spreads, but all of it is just another chapter in His story which will end in all who are saved living, “happily ever after” in a Kingdom where every sorrow is gone. The Hero has never changed. The pen has never wavered. The antagonist has always been the same. Sometimes minor characters come in as villains, but they leave just as quickly. These enemies are seen or unseen but always effect the story only as much as the Author allows. They are sent from the main antagonist and their purpose is to distract our attention from the Hero, even to attempt to thwart His glorious conclusion. The antagonist has already been defeated though, and his doom is sure. Every catastrophe, disaster, and trial only serves to bring the story closer to its predetermined end. These attacks by the enemy also demonstrate the strength of our Savior and draw characters closer to Him.

I know these are trying times. But I cannot wait to tell the stories of this decade to future generations. I’m excited to see what the next chapter for our world will look like and how the Lord is moving to draw His people closer. We will see the resilience of the church, see it play a major role in stepping up to help others. We get to see kindness in the face of selfishness and hope in the midst of panic. Fear and tragedy can push people to Christ. One day, we will get to see how this page in the story plays into the bigger picture. Every crisis ushers in change, and friends, our world is changing fast. I pray that in the midst of this terror we don’t forget how our God is writing His story. So what role will you play? If your name is written in the Book of Life than you will not fear. Your Author knows the conclusion and is making it known, your part is to wait, trust, and pray. Yeah, there is going to be conflict, there will be villains seen and unseen that attempt to bring you down or blind you to the bigger picture, but you have a Hero that died and rose again for you. The conclusion to your story is an eternity of glorifying a perfect God in a home where every tear is wiped away. Waiting faithfully is hard, the ending is worth it though.

Powerful Truth.

Things change in an instant. Emergencies are declared, bombs go off, explosions occur, ships sink, plans are ruined, worlds turned upside down…all in an instant. When we don’t know the right answers and everything feels like its dissolving into chaos, there are truths that remain unchanging. I have nothing else to cling to right now, so I’m clinging to these truths.

WHO HE IS:

Creator, Father, King. Sovereign and eternal. Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last. The commander of hosts of angels. He is Love. A healer. The God of peace and the God of hope. He is my strength when I am weak. Holy. Just. Merciful. A mighty fortress, a strong tower, my rock, and my shield. He is faithful and good. My God loved me enough to send His only Son as a sacrifice for my sins. This Son, Jesus, is the Christ, the Messiah, the Lamb of God. Blameless and perfect. He is Prophet, Priest, and King. My savior, mediator, friend, and shepherd. Jesus is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. Fully God and fully man. He is the One who was beaten, mocked, and falsely accused, the One who wore a crown of thorns for me. The author and perfecter of faith. Immanuel: God with us. Son of the living God who defeated death: the conqueror of sin. Peacemaker, justifier, propitiation. Judge. Everlasting. Unchanging.


WHO I AM:

I am a daughter of the King. Broken. Beautiful. Created. A masterpiece. Loved. Made new. Justified. Blessed. A messenger of hope. A light in the dark. Ambassador to the nations. I have no reason to fear, I have a spirit of power and love and discipline. Adopted. Fully known. Commanded by my King, I live to serve Him. The yoke I bear is easy because I rest in Him. I am the one who can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I am joyful. I am free. I will run my race in faith because He ran His and bore the cross for me. I’m a sinner, a saint, and a sufferer. Alive in Christ. Ambassador. Child. An heir to the Kingdom. Blameless. Redeemed. Bondservant of Christ. My future is known by my God and it is one with hope. I was ransomed by the spotless, perfect Lamb. My soul purchased by His blood. I have been called to a new life. I am forgiven, saved, and healed. A believer. I am chosen. I am His.

These lists are imperfect, but they are a starting point. Our God is a great God and if our identity is in Him then we always have hope. This is who I am and that will never change no matter what chaos hits me next. Who are you?

A Song For Everything

Music is really powerful. It draws us in, captures our attention, and gives us something to cling to. The kind of music we listen to can effect our moods and outlook on life and it has the capability to bring us hope. Country singer Maren Morris wrote a song called, "A Song For Everything" in which she talks about exactly what you would guess from that title. People have written songs about almost every situation and feeling you could imagine. In our rough spots and our happiest moments relatable music can be found. The following songs are ones that I've clung to and repeated constantly in the last two weeks. Most of the lyrics communicate a message I've written about before. Some of the songs aren't necessarily "Christian" music, but they all have an uplifting message. I haven't posted all of the lyrics but I highly recommend you listen to these songs and see what you think. I wrote a little bit about each song, but it's mostly just thoughts that I get from the lyrics. So here you go, a few songs that have really helped me recently.

"Love is a Good Thing" by Andrew Peterson:

It'll wake you up in the middle of the night, it'll take just a little too much.
It'll burn you like a cinder till you're tender to the touch.
It'll chase you down, and swallow you whole, it'll make your blood run hot and cold.
Like a thief in the night it'll steal your soul, and that's a good thing.
Love is a good thing.
It'll follow you down to the ruin of your great divide,
Open the wounds that you tried to hide.
And there in the rubble of the heart that died
You'll find a good thing.
Cause love is a good thing.
Oh love is a good thing.

I have never understood love. Love hurts. Both giving and receiving it is so hard sometimes. But it will change your life, and that's a good thing. Let love into your life, it's worth it.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

This song has gotten me through so much. It's hard to see the trials as a good thing, but God uses it all in our lives to shape us and bless us. Each disappointment, hardship, and trial reveals our desire for what this world can't satisfy and helps us have an eternal perspective. The storms of life should drive us closer to God, and that's a blessing.


"Homecoming Queen" by Kelsea Ballerini

Do people assume
You're always alright?
Been so good at smiling
Most of your life

Does it get hard
To have to play the part?
Nobody's feeling sorry for ya
But what if I told you the world wouldn't end
If you started showing what's under your skin
What if you let 'em all in on the lie?
Even the homecoming queen cries

I skipped some of the lyrics to this song for a reason, but the concept is really powerful. It's easy to get trapped in the role of "homecoming queen" and feel like you have to be perfect all the time. There is good news though: you don't have to be perfect. Let people see what's under your skin and show them the real side of you.

"Costume Party" by Lauren Duski

I've got this closet filled with ways for you to see me
But none of them fit me
And I walk around and play pretend so you'll believe that
I'm who I want to be
But what if I let you see who I am?
And what if I could show my flaws and not be sorry?
'Cause I'm over this whole costume party
And I can't seem to remember what it is I'm so afraid of
But it's all I've ever known
And I'm so tired of worrying about

What they must see if I leave the mask at home

This one basically has the same theme as "Homecoming Queen": Be real. Take off your mask and let people see you. 

"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I'm with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away
And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

This song sums up my week. I keep praying but the storms keep coming, attempting to drown out God's voice of hope in my life. Yet every tear I've cried is held in His hands and He has never left my side through the struggles. He is faithful regardless of how many times I've been faithless. This song contains so much hope.

That's five of the songs that have meant a lot to me recently. Music has power to bring us hope and prepare our heart, use that. There is a song for almost every situation you could be in, every question you've cried out to God, and every high you've ever felt. And when you find those words that impact you, cling to them.

Another attempt at poetry

I tried my hand at poetry again. This first one is written from the perspective of God. I’m calling you:

Oh daughter, 

What have you done?

Never enough to remove my love,

But sin causes you so much pain.

I never wanted this for you. 

Just ask Me, and it will be forgiven

Seek Me, and you will find joy

Walk faithfully, and I will reward.

Oh beloved, 

Why did you run?

You heard My voice and acknowledged Me.

Like Peter, repeatedly you denied Me.

I never left your side, I never will

I have a plan and it will be fulfilled.

This pain? It’s temporary,

I have claimed the victory. 

Oh princess,

Where did you flee?

The lies that you believed said that

You weren’t priceless. Don’t believe them.

I am your King.

I didn't just give you a list of rules, 

Grace and truth armed you. My Spirit filled you.

An army of 10,000 isn’t stronger than

Those that put faith in Me. 

Oh friend,

Won’t you come home?

Bow your head, close your eyes,

Talk to Me. 

How many people have you asked to pray?

And how many prayers have you actually said?

They bend My ear on your behalf,

When I want to hear your voice again.

All around you can see My hand,

Listen close, you will hear My voice.

Daughter, Beloved, Princess, Friend,

I am calling you.

Come to Me. I will give you rest. 

Breathe:

Sitting.
Praying.
Here in the darkness
blinded by terror 

can’t stop shaking.
My words rise rapidly turning in my heart
filling my head churning round and round
spilling out in questions.
Mumbled prayers that don’t go past the walls.
Prayers that hardly pass my lips before
I’m on to the next subject.
Mind spinning fast
spitting worst case situations at me
Everything in crisis mode.
I can’t breathe.

On my knees.
Praying.
Searching for the light. 

Opening my eyes to Christ
When I shake, He holds me tight.
My words are known before I speak
because of God, my heart beats.
He knows it. He knows my thoughts.
The world spins round and round all
because of Him.
Spilling out His son’s blood for me
He showed me love beyond understanding.
The prayers that come in waves are heard
by my Creator. 

The wind that shakes me and steals my breath
it is controlled by Him.
In this storm, He is my shelter.
Even now, I breathe His name
I speak His words
I hear His wisdom.
My worst case scenario is already known
and the reality will be a better situation
then I could have hoped.
Because of Him, I can breathe.

A light at the end

I'm in the dark.
The saying about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not relatable at the moment. The only light I can see is the headlights of the train that is about to hit me, knock me down, and run me over.
But you know what?
I have a Savior that jumped in front of every trial and storm and temptation that would ever hit me. A Messiah that took the stripes on His back and the thorns in His brow for me. And Jesus will be my light and my guide. In Him I have hope.

Storms often blindside us and we occasionally feel like life really sucks. We live in a fallen world and sometimes it can seem like hell. But when you are going through hell, keep going. I like to see the light at the end, I like to be able to plan and know that I will be ok. Maybe you're the same way. Faith isn't about having the answers though. It's more of a trust fall. And I am falling fast. At the last second, even when everything seems hopeless, we are caught by Christ. The power of His truth illuminates our life. So I will take life one day at a time. I will get out of bed in the morning and pray, "Lord, give me the strength to trust you today", I will look for the ways He is moving in my life and see every situation by the light of His truth. Because of what Christ has done for me, I know the big picture will conclude with every tear being wiped away.

The train that is about to hit you is in your life for a reason. Maybe it's because you are relying on seeing the big picture in your life, seeing your plans and your hopes be fulfilled. Maybe it's because you need to take a leap of faith and trust that you will be caught. Maybe you need to close your eyes to your desire for control and see only the light of Christ as He guides your steps. Because He is guiding you, He will catch you, and He has plans that are better for you than you could ever dream. I know I write about hope a lot, but it is an important truth to cling to. Don't give up hope. Read Scriptures, quotes, and whatever else you can that gives you real, true hope. Cling to that with everything you have.

I still don't have the answers, I am still asking God why, what, and how. I am still terrified of the train that I see coming and know will hit me hard. But I have hope. The Savior that jumped in front of death for me will walk beside me through this tunnel. And in His strength, I will make it to the end.

The year in quotes

Last year on Christmas, I got this little quote calendar that had one quote for every day of the year. I read every single one. And out of 365 quotes, I found 12 that I loved enough to put up on my wall as a reminder. I want to share those with you. A little disclaimer before I begin: just because I like the quotes doesn't mean I agree with the general stance of the author. I like these quotes for what they say not who said them.

"If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, then you are an excellent leader." -Dolly Parton

"Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile." -Vince Lombardi

"People buy into the leader before they buy into the vision" -John Maxwell

"Change is the law of the land. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy

"Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others." -Jack Welch

"Example, whether good or bad, has a powerful influence" -George Washington

"As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others." -Bill Gates

"Pessimism never won any battle." -Dwight Eisenhower

"We cannot be reluctant to lead, and you cannot lead from behind." -Condoleezza Rice

"Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Leaders don't create followers, they create more leaders." -Tom Peters

"I never dreamed about success, I worked for it." -Estee Lauder


I hope you guys have a great week! Never forget that no matter who you are or where you are in life, you are loved.