A Preview

 I have a lot of ideas and a lot of words that I want to write, unfortunately I don't have a lot of time to write them. Since I wasn't able to finish any one thing for a post (this week or last week) I'm going to post snippets of things I'm currently writing and hope to finish at some point when the world isn't this crazy. If you have a favorite, let me know and I'll try to finish that one first. This preview will only be up for a little while but I wanted to let everyone know I am still writing and do hope to post again soon. 

Questions:

Depressions asks why

Why won’t this hurt stop?
a dull pain you can’t explain
A hot knife in your chest
sharp pangs of sorrow like something’s broken.
it only increases with every sob, with every breath
you don’t know how to say it so your brokenness remains unspoken
under this weight words seem hopeless
they say “it will be alright, you’ll make it through”
but what if it’s too much?
what if I don’t want to.


Depression asks why
Why alive? Why hopeful? Why out of bed? Why loved?
depression nails these questions into our head.
fight for the answers you know, friend
fight for the truth until the end
daylight always breaks through the tears of night
it is finished was the cry that finished the fight.

Anxiety asks how.

How am I supposed to do all of this?
It keeps piling up till I’m drowning in tasks and to do lists
fighting to keep afloat but I can’t for much longer.
If only these cares belonged to someone stronger.

The Storm

Thunder rumbles in a dark grey sky
Ground shakes on a cold brisk night
Wind ripples her hair as into the distances she stares
A storm on its way to change her life
The fear she feels isn’t rare
She has stood here hundreds of times her lungs working too hard for air
Tears beat the raindrops in the race to hit the earth
From the earth she came to the earth she will return
Between those times is a world of hurt
She takes another shaken breath
turns her mind to all the things that have happened to her
Memories stirred up like carried away leaves
Eyes drop to her feet planted in the dirt
Whole being longs to join it but to death she can’t revert.
Her past puts her emotions in a constant whirl
The rain that now pours down in sheets used to watch her dance in the streets
Now time has gone and she saw hope flee
Heart aches with each new beat
Soul searching for a place to be planted but there are too many weeds
Thoughts and thunder grow louder- lightning strikes and she feels the heat
A system of worry, fear, anger- her mind is clouded from longing for relief

One Day

Just one day
freezing snow falling
my world melting
warming cold hands
God is great

Fade

Like the day into a night that lasts forever
like the night into a day that I don’t want to live
the sunset on the horizon
the joy of dancing with friends
the lyrics of a good song
all fade.
Fade like my grasp on truth
my grasp on my Fathers hand
what would it be like to just fade away?
not suddenly gone, but here one moment
and not the next.
thoughts fading into black oblivion
deeper than the ocean

Splash

Splash. The rock hit the pond
the quiet peace of the lake shattered.
My rock sank to the bottom- gone
irretrievable, heavy, cold-gone
I didn’t turn to grab another one
I stood watching the ripples
seeing them spread before their disturbance was done
and I couldn’t help but wonder-
what if that how this war is won?
What if the splash my death makes
Startles someone else awake?
Like a rubber band that snaps and snaps your hand
maybe my death could be someone's wake up call
snapping them out of their dependence on self
Pushing them to give Christ their all.

Those are my current projects. Let me know if you have a favorite, I can't wait to finish something and actually publish it but this is all you get for now. Thanks for reading! Hope you have a great week and never stop seeking Christ. 

A February Prayer

 Dear Father, 

If I know You are enough, why do I still want more? Your mercy toward me is unexplainable, so is the pain that I feel right now. The confusion in my brain drowns out my gratitude, tears me up inside and makes my emotions a hurricane. You calmed the storm so why does this wind still push hard enough to knock me over? Every wave that You walked on still towers above my head. Lord, I am in over my head.
Hands outstretched, reaching for help, I want what You offer- You promise to give grace to the humble, Father I don't think I can get any lower. You promise peace to those that trust You, I took a leap of faith and now am in a perpetual trust fall but the peace feels out of reach. You promise hope but the only anchor I seem to cling to is the sorrow that pulls me deeper and deeper and deeper, it's the steady presence in my life. God I know You're here but the pain feels more real. It feels more powerful.
My words towards others are about as honest as the conversations I've had with You recently. Do You read the words I write and take them as prayers acceptable in Your sight? Because when I look back at what I read I see Your hand in my life but when I try to pray You feel so distant. If You are near to the brokenhearted than are You sitting next to me? If You whisper in the storm than am I just deaf to the words You say?
I'm told not having answers is ok because than I'll start asking the right questions but if questioning You is wrong than where do I go with the doubts that I have? Father, You sent Your Son to die for me. I can repeat the truths of Your blessings toward me over and over and over again, but they still don't sink in. The emotions swarm and I can put it all in rhymes and metaphors but I can't overcome them no matter how hard I try, do I just stop trying? That never works Lord, You know I stay in bed all day if I do that. Is this too many questions?
Look, I have the answers You gave me in Your words but they don't take away the pain that I feel when I close the book.
People try to help but I don't want to be a project. I have a support system but I've run out of friends, I didn't mean to turn only to them. I still trust You, I just took a break from actively trusting You. People are in my life for a reason, You put them there to bless me, why do I just hurt them? Why do I choose their perceptions over Your love? Now I find myself alone because I can't just repeat to them the same problems and sound like a broken record, for the record that makes me feel broken and makes them feel like they have to fix me. Lord, I want to be fixed but people just use temporary glue and then break me further. They tell me to use the ACTS model of prayer so that I don't just repeat the same things over and over, I end up repeating things just the same but here let me try again:

Adoration: You, oh Lord, are holy, holy, holy. Your name is worthy to be praised and all creation bows a knee to You. Your grace and lovingkindness toward me are overwhelming and immeasurable. Every second is known to You before it takes place and I know You control my now. 
Confession: Father, I am the sheep that constantly goes astray, unworthy to be called Your servant. Even today I've denied You like Peter, I've betrayed You like Judas, I've run from You like Jonah. I confess my weakness and my need for You, would You forgive me and blot out my transgressions? Wash me white as snow in the blood of Your Son. 
Thanksgiving: The blessings You've given me surround me day and night. Every breath of air is a gift even when I don't want to breathe it. Every conversation, every friend, every new day is an act of Your mercy. Thank You, God. 
Supplication: Father, help me to breathe and want to breathe. Clear this smoke and give me clarity. There's pain but You know what hurt feels like. You watched Your Son get crushed for me, get crushed by me, and You did it because You loved me. Remind me of that today. Lead me, bless me, strengthen me. Be my strength. 

Father, I mean no disrespect, I mean only to feel close to You again. These walls are tired of hearing my voice, I'm tired of hearing my pleas bounce back to me from them, are You tired too? Tired of me asking these questions? Tired of my hypocrisy? Maybe that's just me. You are the God that never sleeps, You know all, see all, and are always working. If You sent Your only Son to die for me than You've never rejected a prayer or tired of me. Thanks for always listening even though I rarely do. Thank You for blessing me beyond what I can believe. Help me to see You in this darkness, to follow You and know You more every day. I trust You to see me through this pain, walk beside me in this valley and in Your name I'll see a victory. I pray these things in Your name and in the power of Your Son's blood. 
Amen.