Adding up

I really wanted to write a post for today and I found something I had written while taking a math test last week. Honestly, I can't stand math and I generally end up writing random things instead of working the problems. Like the post on Friday, this one is also short, I hope you like it.

I'm tired.

I can be the paragon of obdurate diligence but I cannot win this war against sorrow. I cannot solve the inequality of my life or factor the equations thrust at me. Numbers swirl around as I stare at the mathematical equation called life. Possible solutions come to mind, none of them seem right. What am I doing? Pretending to be smart may get me through Algebra but not through life.

I'm the impossibility, the only problem on the test with no solution,

I'm tired because emotional days bleed into emotional nights like ink bleeding through pages. Everything in my mind is at war, I'm feeling divided as the pain multiplies. I'm solving for unknown emotions that come without reason. Supposedly math is logical but I prefer words to numbers. I think of everything I've strived for and it simply doesn't add up to perfection, it never will. Subtract the trials from my life and I might be ok but that kind of math can't be done.

Solve for X, plot the Y co-ordinate, write the answer. Maybe I don't have the solution, maybe I'm tired of looking for it. Someone give me a co-ordinate to anchor my life on and then I can plot the course. Write an answer? I'm staring a thousand questions in the face with no formula for finding an answer. My problems add up, my sin multiplies, my soul divided as my tears reach to infinity. But infinite in love He still reaches down to me in my doubt. The wages of sin are death but He paid it all with His life. The pain I feel is only a fraction of the pain He went through when He bore the cross for me. 100% of my sin was paid for by one Man. It doesn't add up. The solution is found in His love, the formula is rather simple: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." I will anchor my life on Christ and cling to hope because I know He has already plotted out the course of my life. When the swarm of numbers threatens to overwhelm me I hear the words, "It is finished" and remember the sacrifice that divided the curtain of the temple. When Jesus is applied, my mess of problems is converted into a standard form that yields a simple answer: glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

I'm here

I’m asked, “How are you?”
It’s a familiar question, I give a familiar answer: “I’m here”.
“I figured that”, comes the reply, “I didn’t think I was talking to a ghost.”

A ghost.
My mind clung to that idea, maybe I am a ghost; just a shadow of what I was, an apparition floating around haunting others. I feel empty, drifting through life blown by wind. To those who can’t see me I am a memory and nothing more. Maybe I'm just a whisper in the dark, a voice that can’t be heard, tears that can’t be seen, a soul with no body.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel pain.
I would no longer be hungry for anything, thirsty for what I can’t have, seen for something I’m not. Words would pass through me, commands go over my head, and sins be behind me.
All it takes is giving in to one temptation and I become a ghost.
One temptation. One desire. One guilty pleasure. One moment.
A ghost.

A ghost.
If that’s all I was I wouldn’t feel love.
I would no longer have arms wrapped around me, hands holding me, voices encouraging me, friends supporting me. I wouldn’t hear the prayers for me, wouldn’t see people beside me.
My footsteps wouldn’t be seen, actions would have no impact; only a memory, not a legacy.

To live is Christ.

So I give a familiar answer each time:
“I’m here.” God isn’t done with me yet
“I’m here.” I’m still fighting
“I’m here.” Hear my voice, see my tears, know my soul.
Only a shadow of what I will be, moving through life directed by God, He isn’t done with me.

Fear Itself

Fear is a hard master. It always becomes the master if you let it in, even just a little. It worms its way into our hearts and stays even when we think its not there. It's persuasive, like a snake offering forbidden fruit, we tend to seize it without thinking twice about what we're doing. Supposedly the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. So why let it control us now? And yet, it's so hard to identify and resist.
Right now, I don't know what I'm scared of. I'm probably not going to get sick, and if I do, I'll probably be ok, right? So why can I not relax? Why am I looking over my shoulder constantly? I've decided I'm scared. I have a theory:
I'm scared of change.

Aren't we all?
Change means instability, instability means we don't have control, control means safety and when see that control disappear....we get scared. That control is always an illusion, but its one we buy into so easily. We create our illusions of security and tell ourselves that we trust God, it's only when our world shatters that we really test that faith. Right now, there is a lot of instability. I definitely thought I was ok though. My family and I are fine, I'm homeschooled so very little of my routine has been interrupted, I'll probably be ok. I'm not scared of right now. So many people have it worse than I do. Yet, fear is a worm that works it's way into our hearts and minds. For a long time I didn't know it was there and once I diagnosed it I couldn't find the cause. But my theory remains: I'm scared of change.

I'm scared that life has interfered and changed my future, the future that I was clinging to and longing for. I'm scared I'll never get to go to prom, never graduate, not get to do what I want this summer, never see some friends again. I'm scared that my plans to graduate college early have been dashed, my dreams shattered, my life.....changed.

So the reason I can't sleep at night? Maybe it's fear. Fear is the thing that makes my breaths come in short gasps, makes the tears stream unendingly, its the thoughts that keep me up at night and the tension that mysteriously bothers me.
But I'm a Christian, so fear can't control me, right? I know how to take every thought captive, how to be anxious for nothing and pray, how to fear God and not man. The issue is, I also know how to run. Run from my problems, run to the wrong things, escape the emotion of fear for a while. And actually engaging in Spiritual warfare? That's a process. It's one step in the right direction at a time, taking things slow and trusting always.
I know all the right answers, I can check all the boxes and I really am trying to.
I'm trying to talk to God more, trying to memorize more, read more, trust more. Trying to ask, "what would Jesus do?" more and then do it. I can't say that I've succeeded very often, but every victory is made through Christ who strengthens me.

This is not your average Christian lecture about why you should stop being afraid and put your trust in God. This is not me berating you for lack of faith or begging you to pray more. This is me telling you that I'm scared. This is me admitting I have no control and asking Him to work through my trying and take control of my life.

Being a Christian doesn't mean you aren't scared. It doesn't mean that you learn to give up control easily nor do you become an expert on trust. Religion is about trying to the right thing even when you don't feel like it and asking God to take care of the rest. It is a process of sanctification that takes a lot of repenting for going in the wrong direction. Christianity means having courage, trusting in spite of fear and continuing on in faith.
Fear is a hard master. When you give it in inch, it takes a mile. Fighting to take back that ground is slow, and it's hopeless without God. I'm not saying you have no reason to be afraid, in fact, now looks like the perfect time to be scared. But I know of a Master who's burden is light and Who's name is Love. Being His bondservant brings joy and peace.
Who is ruling your heart?