To those that prayed the prayer,
I know you. You're the one on the pew in front of me, the one that walked into Sunday school just ahead of me, the one whose parents my parents are friends with. If I ask you for your story and you say "well, I prayed the prayer..." then I have an idea of what that means. It means you grew up knowing the answers, calling yourself a Christian, and explaining Christianity to others. It means that when I start a verse you can finish it, you can probably beat me at a sword drill and I'm sure you've been over to the pastor's house. From a very early age you were taught a sinners prayer, you heard it prayed and preached and as you grew older you prayed it too. All the right words. And you genuinely wanted what you were told Jesus offered. But you always doubted if you had it. See, I know you because I've met many of you. But before I met you I knew you because I was you.
At an early age, I prayed the prayer. Actually- I prayed it repeatedly. In church, in bed, on my knees, in the car, hands folded, arms outstretched, with tears in my eyes- I prayed, and if I wasn't saved then it wasn't for a lack of words. I had asked the Lord to enter my heart, but wasn't sure if it had worked. I just wanted to be sure. I would pray during lightning storms and asked God to verify that I was saved by making a flash of lightning last supernaturally long. I waited for some sign to confirm what I hoped was true- that my prayers weren't just bouncing off the walls.
I watched baptisms with awe at the confidence they had and knew that I wasn't sure enough of my salvation to stand up there and testify to it.
I watched the plate bearing crackers and juice pass by me every 6 weeks because I was afraid I would eat and drink condemnation on myself for my lack of faith.
I had answers but I also had doubts and I had nowhere to turn for assurance.
So, friend, I want to assure you that I know what it's like. I know the separation you feel from the rest of the church. I know the uncertainty and the longing to know for sure. I know the questions "what if I'm doing something wrong?" "Is God really listening?" and I'm not here to answer all your doubts nor am I here to assure you of your salvation. But can I tell how I found the assurance that I lacked for 17 years?
I sat down at a church I hadn't been to before and looked around. I saw normal people, people not well off and with a million other things they could be doing, people with no visible reason to be at church, gathered together to worship God. You could see their love for God and one another so clearly. They genuinely had joy and peace- a kind of joy and peace that wasn't fake either.
Looking around, I wanted to be one of them.
Everyone here was united by one thing- they loved God. That meant that if I loved God I was one of them. And I knew that I loved God, not well, but I knew I wanted to love Him more. Not only that, but I knew I could not even want to love God unless God had placed that desire in me in the first place.
Let me back up and explain the theology here before I go further: 1. God is a holy God who hates sin and cannot accept it. 2. I am a sinner. 3. Sinners who have not been born again love their sin and therefore hate the God that condemns them for their sin. 4. A sinner of their own volition will not turn to and love a God that hates their sin and will make them hate their sin. 5. Therefore, if I- a sinner- love God and hate sin than that is the work of Christ in me.
Each of these pieces fell into place and I looked around a second time and knew that I belonged with these people. And everywhere I go, I belong with those who love God. There was no doubt, no room for doubt, no need for doubt, I have not doubted since. My conversion was never an emotional thing, I never got that supernatural sign and didn't ever feel any different. I still don't know when I was actually saved. It doesn't matter. I am saved. For the first time ever, simply knowing the answers was enough.
So if you've prayed the prayer and you genuinely want to know and love God- maybe that desire isn't your own but the work of Christ in you. Are you spending time doubting your salvation and waiting for lightning to strike instead of living your life certain of the saving work of the cross and in light of eternity with God?
I wondered if I would ever know for sure. Now, I know the joy and peace that comes with knowing for sure and I'm writing this to you because assurance is attainable. God is not a God of confusion, that's satan's work. Scripture tells us that if you call on the name of the Lord will be saved (Romans 10:13) and that if you confess Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead- you are saved (Romans 10:9). It's that simple. Assurance was granted to you by God through the work of His Son. Believe. If you've prayed the prayer, if you've walked Roman's road, you can have the assurance that took me so long to find.
Sincerely,
A Daughter of the King
